Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist is a podcast dedicated to separating fact from fiction when it comes to dealing with a narcissist in your life. Your host is Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist, speaker and author. For more information, visit www.growwithchristine.com Looking for help with dealing with the narcissist in your life? Visit https://growwithchristine.com to sign up for online support!
Fri, April 28, 2023
Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck - The Truth About Narcissistic Traits and Denial in Sex Addiction
Christine Hammond interviews Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck, a licensed mental health counselor, about sexual addiction and narcissistic traits. They discuss the signs of sex addiction, how narcissistic traits show up in denial, and the difference between being an actual narcissist and somebody who's an addict with narcissistic traits. They also talk about what it's like to be in a relationship with somebody who might have a sex addiction with narcissistic traits. Dr. Hollenbeck emphasizes that not every addict is a narcissist, but some narcissists can become addicts due to their belief that they are invincible. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, April 14, 2023
Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck - Sexual Narcissism: How to Identify and Protect Yourself
Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck, a guest expert, explains what sexual narcissism is and how it differs from regular narcissism. She also discusses the behaviors of sexual narcissists in relationships, such as lack of empathy, pushing for sexual encounters, and gaslighting. The episode emphasizes the importance of mutual consent, emotional connection, and respect for boundaries in healthy sexuality. It is part one of a two-part series on sexual narcissism. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, March 04, 2022
Part 3 of an interview with Dr. Nadine Macaluso, LMFT
Part 3 of an interview with Dr. Nadine Macaluso, LMFT nmacaluso1@me.com Restoring Resilience https://www.nadinemacaluso.com/ Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, February 18, 2022
Part 2 of an interview with Dr. Nadine Macaluso, LMFT
Part 2 of an interview with Dr. Nadine Macaluso, LMFT nmacaluso1@me.com Restoring Resilience https://www.nadinemacaluso.com/ Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, February 04, 2022
Part 1 of an interview with Dr. Nadine Macaluso, LMFT
Part 1 of an interview with Dr. Nadine Macaluso, LMFT nmacaluso1@me.com Restoring Resilience https://www.nadinemacaluso.com/ Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, October 29, 2021
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse Among Siblings
As sisters, Nicole and Sofi grew up in a two-parent, middle class family. From the outside looking in, things appeared normal and healthy. But for Sofi, life was very difficult. Her sister bullied her, stole prized possessions, would lie and blame Sofi for things that went wrong, physically hit her, and destroyed some of Sofi’s things. Yet, Nicole seemed to charm their parents, constantly making Sofi out to look like the dangerous one. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, October 15, 2021
5 Ways to Survive Narcissistic In-Laws
It was a second marriage for Clark and Claudia so they were both prepared for a difficult first couple of years as they blended their families together. But what they did not expect was the added difficulty of Clark’s parents. He knew that they were narcissistic and even prepared Claudia for their limited encounters. However, the holidays brought out an intensity that Clark did not expect. It also was Clark’s birthday and his mother invited them by saying, “Only I know how to properly celebrate our special day.” The passive-aggressive comment was just the beginning of the strange behavior. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, July 30, 2021
Christine Hammond Interviews Chris and Lisa, Part 2
Christine Hammond Interviews Chris and Lisa, Part 2 Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, July 23, 2021
Christine Hammond Interviews Chris and Lisa, Part 1
Christine Hammond Interviews Chris and Lisa, Part 1 Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, July 16, 2021
How to Talk to your Narcissistic Boss
After years of speculation, you have finally come to the realization that your boss is a narcissist. Since this is not the type of economy where you can just leave your job and expect to get another one quickly, you find yourself stuck and miserable in a job that normally you would like except for your narcissistic boss. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, July 09, 2021
12 Traits of a Narcissistic Boss
There are bad bosses. The type that gets promoted without any managerial, interpersonal, or organizational skills. There are even scary bosses. The type that is unnecessarily threatening, overly aggressive, or ignorant to the point of causing others harm. But then there are the dark, sinister, or ominous bosses. This type is in a category all by themselves. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, July 09, 2021
12 Traits of a Narcissistic Boss
There are bad bosses. The type that gets promoted without any managerial, interpersonal, or organizational skills. There are even scary bosses. The type that is unnecessarily threatening, overly aggressive, or ignorant to the point of causing others harm. But then there are the dark, sinister, or ominous bosses. This type is in a category all by themselves. Read more...
Fri, April 30, 2021
Narcissistic Mirroring
Try to point out a narcissist’s mistakes and the attack is likely to be returned with force. Expect a narcissist to show understanding during a difficult time and the conversation will quickly be turned back towards the narcissist. Ask a narcissist to forgive an error in judgement and a detailed accounting of all blunders will be recounted. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, April 16, 2021
How to Counteract Parental Alienation
Since writing an article about parental alienation ( What Parental Alienation Is and Is Not ), several readers have asked for a follow-up article on how to prevent to minimize the damage of any alienation they have experienced. While others have said that parental alienation doesn’t happen, that it is pop-psychology, and it is not real. Read more.... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, April 09, 2021
The Love-Bomb Entrapment of Narcissism
Katrina couldn’t believe how her friend was treating her husband at dinner. She was demanding, controlling, domineering, belittling, unrelenting, sarcastic, and unnecessarily rude. For some time now, Katrina suspected that her friend was narcissistic and after the evening they spent together, she was even more convinced. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, March 19, 2021
Don’t Argue: Use These 9 Rules of Engagement
It was clear that after 7 years of marriage, Jack and Jill still loved each other. But they way they solved problems, or rather, the way they didn’t solve problems, was destroying their marriage. The last argument ended in a physical altercation and a wrestling match that left them ashamed and humiliated. Neither had ever engaged in this manner before so the shock of how quickly they escalated took them by surprise. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, March 05, 2021
7 Steps to Emerging from the Abuse Fog
It finally hit. After years of wondering what was wrong, who was crazy, and how this could have happened, the reality of abusive behavior hits like a ton of bricks. The insight is simultaneously overwhelming, shocking, frustrating, disgusting, and demeaning. But there it is the answer that was longed for but may never have been fully considered until this moment. Then everything became clear. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, February 19, 2021
How a Narcissist Treats a COVID-19 Spouse
Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am, with COVID-19 and a stay-at-home order in place, she was immediately worried. On the line calling her was her narcissistic dad, which he hadn’t done since she left home, so she was immediately on high alert. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 19, 2020
17 Deceptive Excuses for Abusive Behavior
Having grown up in an abusive family and now in a relationship with an abusive wife, Bradon believed the excuses constantly dished out to him by his abusive mother and wife. Beaten down, confused, hazy, and exhausted, he sought out help from a therapist. At first, he could not comprehend that he was the victim of abuse. He believed the lies that he was to blame. He thought abuse was only physical. But then Brandon learned it could also be verbal, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, and financial. Read more Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 05, 2020
Lies Abusers Tell Their Victims
Ever wondered what abuse sounds like? What do abusers say to their victims to get them to acquiesce? Some of the statements listed below might even sound acceptable in certain environments, but they are not. Abusive behavior is pervasive and without awareness, it will continue. Read more Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, July 02, 2020
10 Traits That May Indicate a Personality Disorder
As a general rule, people with personality disorders can be difficult to get along or maintain a healthy relationship with. They can be argumentative, stubborn, and frustrating if there is a lack of understanding about what a PD really means or how it manifests itself in an individual. A person with a PD has an inaccurate perception of reality which is pervasive in every environment and is not diagnosed until 18 years old. However, there always is a previous history of five years giving indications that a person has a PD before their formal diagnosis that can still help those around them identify the issue. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Tue, June 16, 2020
What is a personality disorder?
Eventually, as is the case in everyone’s life, whether it be a family member, co-worker, neighbor, or friend, you will come across a person with a personality disorder (PD). Although it can usually be hard to discern if a person has a PD at the beginning of the relationship, its presence will soon come to light. Having an accurate understanding of both what a personality disorder is and where it may be coming from is essential to keep the frustration of navigating them to a minimum. Read more Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, May 21, 2020
How to Survive When Quarantined with a Narcissist
After being married to a narcissistic wife for over 10 years and quarantined at home with her for the last several weeks, Ben had enough. His whole body started to reject his spouse’s self-centeredness by plaguing him with intense pain and repeated anxiety attacks that he could no longer ignore. He wanted to go to the doctor but his symptoms didn’t constitute an office visit. Instead via Telehealth, his doctor concluded that the pain and anxiety were psychosomatic. This, of course, infuriated him even more. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, May 07, 2020
How a Narcissist Treats a COVID-19 Spouse
Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am, with COVID-19 and a stay-at-home order in place, she was immediately worried. On the line calling her was her narcissistic dad, which he hadn’t done since she left home, so she was immediately on high alert. He skipped any niceties and immediately started with what a terrible daughter she was. He explained that her mother was sick with COVID-19 and it was all her fault. He gave no details about her mom’s illness and when Kathy tried to inquire, he abruptly hung up the phone. She tried calling him back but he refused to answer. Kathy went into panic mode. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, April 16, 2020
6 Ways a ‘Silent Treatment’ Is Abusive
Matt knew he messed up but he wasn’t sure how. His wife’s complete silence towards him over the last few days was a signal that he made some sort of mistake. The problem was, according to his wife, Matt made daily errors in judgment, so he was completely in the dark. Did he drink too… ( more… ) Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, April 02, 2020
What is gaslighting?
A man obsessed with stealing valuable jewels murders one woman and attempts to drive the other one (his wife) crazy. His single-mindedness, driven by selfish motives, caused him to deceive and manipulate in order to obtain what he wanted regardless of the cost to others. Bit by bit, he torments his wife until she believes… ( more… ) Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Wed, March 18, 2020
Am I Becoming a Narcissist?
Alice woke up crying. The reality of a previous night of fighting, slamming doors, and breaking plates came into full view. The house was a mess, her husband of eight years was gone, and she felt as broken as the plates. She could hardly recognize herself anymore. In the middle of the screaming last night,… (more…) Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, March 05, 2020
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
David wondered if it was time for his relationship with Stephanie to end. In the beginning, things were great, and he thought that he found the love of his life. She was charming, helpful, generous, and gentle. But as time passed, new problems emerged. The ease of their relationship was now tumultuous. The excitement and… (more…) Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, February 20, 2020
Can Narcissism Be Fixed?
Stacey was frustrated by her adult 35-year-old son with two failed marriages (everything was the ex’s fault), five career changes (his bosses hated him and wanted to get rid of him), a couple of DUIs, and now living back at home. No matter what happened, other people were to blame for his relationship and career failures. Stacey was sympathetic but exhausted from the constant drama in her son’s life. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, February 06, 2020
5 Ways to Survive Narcissistic In-Laws
It was a second marriage for Clark and Claudia so they were both prepared for a difficult first couple of years as they blended their families together. But what they did not expect was the added difficulty of Clark’s parents. He knew that they were narcissistic and even prepared Claudia for their limited encounters. However, the holidays brought out an intensity that Clark did not expect. It also was Clark’s birthday and his mother invited them by saying, “Only I know how to properly celebrate our special day.” The passive-aggressive comment was just the beginning of the strange behavior. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, December 05, 2019
13 Types of Relationship Affairs
What is an affair? It is a sexual encounter, romantic comrade, or obsessive attachment between two people without a significant other’s knowledge. It can come in many forms but all of them have the underlying issue of a betrayal of trust, unfaithfulness to a commitment, and infidelity of the relationship. Sometimes it destroys the initial relationship and other times the relationship can survive. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 21, 2019
My Spouse is a Narcissist, Now What?
After reading several articles on narcissism, Kaitlyn realized that her husband was one. She knew that something was off for years but couldn’t put her finger on it. She fell in love immediately with him and within months, they were married. She thought she met the perfect person, he was charming, attentive, and sensitive. But shortly after the marriage, things changed. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 21, 2019
Narcissistic Abuse: Cyberbullying and Cyberstalking
Shirley thought that the abuse from her narcissistic husband would be over after the divorce was finalized. But it wasn’t. Instead, he found a new way to harass, embarrass, and torment her. He began to cyberbully and cyberstalk. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 07, 2019
The Rules of Living in a Narcissistic Family
Every family has unspoken rules like: don’t wake mom when she is taking a nap, no matter what it tastes like say dad’s cooking is good, or always clean before grandma comes to the house. These guidelines are followed without question to keep the family running smoothly. However, when a narcissist is added to the mix, the rules take on more intensity. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, October 03, 2019
How Do Deceptive People Get Away with It?
David was the charismatic leader of a large not-for-profit organization which gave aid and care for the homeless. Over the past ten years, his organization, under his energetic leadership, grew substantially as donations increased, new shelters were formed, and thousands of people were assisted. On the surface, things seemed to above board and working well. But it wasn’t. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, September 19, 2019
Narcissistic Rescuers: Beware of the Backlash
The narcissist appears at the optimal time. A grieving family is destroyed over the death of a parent and is in desperate need of emotional stability. A spouse is torn apart by divorce and is starved for normal amounts of positive attention. A friend is destroyed by the betrayal of another and is craving a close relationship for support. Now, enter the narcissist. Hidden by a veil of perfection, the narcissist immediately endears themselves to the needy person (pets included) and navigates any personality differences with ease. They are charming, caring, generous, kind, and seem to have it all together. They anticipate the needs of others and come willingly to the rescue without complaint. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, September 05, 2019
7 Indicators of a Narcissistic Friend
Dawn ran into the grocery store to grab a few things after a long day of work when she bumped into a friend. “Where have you been? It’s so good to see you?” her friend inquired. “You know … work, family, kids. We’ve been so busy lately,” Dawn quickly replied while knowing that what she said was wrong. Unable to examine it at that moment she put the thought out of her head until she was alone in her car. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, August 16, 2019
Narcissists and Their Flying Monkeys
Art imitates life and so it is with “Flying Monkeys”. The term was coined from the movie “The Wizard of Oz” in which the Wicked Witch dispatches monkeys to fly and get Dorothy and her dog. The monkeys obey her command, doing her dirty work for her, taunting and terrorizing Dorothy as she tries in vain to get back home. And so it is with narcissists and their flying monkeys. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Wed, July 03, 2019
7 Ways to Protect Your Kids from Your Narcissistic Ex
Sabrina was at her wit’s end. Her narcissistic ex-husband hit an all-time low. During their marriage, she was the target for his angry rants, verbal assaults, gaslighting, and guilt-tripping. But now his attacks seemed to center around just one of their two kids. Unfortunately, it was their ten-year-old child who most resembled Sabrina’s personality that was his new target. Their twelve-year-old child seemed to escape his scrutiny despite the recent in-school suspension and two failing grades. But it was the ten-year-old who was quiet, generally compliant, and rarely got into trouble that Sabrina’s ex attacked. Sabrina watched in horror as her child shut down, became unnecessarily anxious, was newly fearful, and depressed. Afraid that her child would become like her, Sabrina knew she had to speak to him. However, the last time she confronted him, he slapped her with a motion to modify parenting agreement accusing her of parental alienation. So, what could she do? Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Wed, July 03, 2019
Who is the Most Narcissistic Generation?
Millennials are known as the most narcissistic generation of our time. The overindulge attention, special treatment for nothing special, and excessive emotional tolerance that parents gave their kids have not resulted in a more productive generation but rather one that seems apathetic. It’s a toss-up between who is more confused: Millennials because the world does not work the way they envision it should or other generations because they don’t understand how Millennials think. How did this happen? Some research has suggested that the lack of severe economic downturn during the childhood of millennials is to blame. Other hypothesis points the finger at parents who reinforced the idea that their child was so special that they didn’t have to adhere to the standards of society. While others believe society is responsible because every child received an award even when they came in the last place. Whatever the cause, the traits of narcissism seem to apply to this generation (generally speaking). Yet despite the similarities, Millennials are not the typical grandiose or covert narcissists. Rather, the traits of narcissism, not the disorder itself seems to be more characteristic. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, June 07, 2019
What It’s Like to be the Daughter of a Sociopath
“I hate him, with every fiber of my being, I hate him,” Marie said as she looked back on her day. “But while I hate him for this moment, I won’t let the hate linger because I’m not going to give him that power over me.” After years of silence, her bio dad sent a package of weight loss tea to her work. It was his way of saying, “Happy Mother’s Day, I see you. I’m watching you. You need to lose weight.” This was not the first package of its kind. Over the 30 years of no contact, he would periodically send Marie a newspaper clipping, an article, or random note all with the same weight loss message. Marie knew it wasn’t about her weight, it was his way of sparking insecurity, disapproval, and paranoia in her. He did this to get her back for the years of distance. The packages almost always followed shortly after her brother, who kept limited contact, would have a visit with him. It took Marie years to unpack the damage his pathology did to her psyche. Sociopaths are gifted at installing bugs into a person’s hardware that can remain hidden for years which slow down the functioning of a person and can even destroy it if left unchecked. But this time, instead of sparking fear in Marie, she used his “gift” as a reminder of the now eradicated lies. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, June 07, 2019
7 Steps of Change for a Positive Narcissistic Mid-Life Crisis
Chuck knew he was a jerk. He cheated on his wife several times, put his work before his family, rarely went to his kid’s activities, drank heavily on the rare occasions that he was home, and verbally berated anyone who challenged him. And yet, he was a highly successful businessman, intelligent about a wide range of topics, had numerous friends, and was charming (when he wanted to be). Nonetheless, despite getting his way most of the time, Chuck was miserable. He toyed with counselors in the past, going only when needed to preserve his marriage, but not putting any real effort into changing. Instead, he would strategically turn the counselors against his wife over many sessions, leaving her a bigger mess than when they began. He was proud of his ability to manipulate situations that normally would be to his detriment into his benefit. This precise skill was used in business as well to make him far more successful than his natural abilities. But here he was at the mid-point of his life, wondering what was it all for? He made money to spend it on cars, boats, and houses but these things just needed more money to exist. He was a rags-to-riches story but never seemed to fill the hole in his heart that told him, “You will never amount to anything.” He had sex to feel intimacy and connection but couldn’t feel satisfied. He had a family to secure a sense of belonging but instead found shame. Read more... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, May 09, 2019
Road to Recovery from Narcissistic Parenting
Ida realized her mother was a narcissist in her early 20’s. But what she didn’t expect was the developmental impact on her childhood. Normally, a child is given the freedom to explore and express their individuality so they can develop into a confident and well-balanced adult. This nurturing environment prioritizes the needs of the child over the parent without overindulgence. But this did not happen for Ida. Instead, Ida is hypersensitive to what other people might think about her. Her mother emphasized appearance and demanded perfection. When Ida would gain a few pounds, her mother would berate her and tell her that no one will ever love a fat person. She would say that Ida was an embarrassment and her mom would refuse to buy her new clothes or take her out until she lost the weight. Naturally, Ida developed severe anxiety, depression, and eating disorder. As she entered her late teens, she added drinking and some drugs to the mix. Unable to please her mother, Ida chose to please her friends who were also engaged in an unhealthy lifestyle. Ida was unaware of her dysfunctional narcissistic parent as a child. It wasn’t until rehab that she fully accepted her mother’s false perception of reality. Even though her mother insisted on the rehab, she became angry during parent’s weekend. Ida’s now healthy perspective became threatening to her mother because it exposed the poor narcissistic parenting. As a result, her mother completely withdrew complaining that the rehab ruined her. But for Ida, this is just the start. Without her mother’s voice in her ear, the years of narcissistic parenting revealed far more devastating consequences. Using the symptoms of a narcissist as the starting point, here are the results of dysfunctional parenting and the road to recovery: Grandiosity breeds criticalness. Ida’s mom magnifies her accomplishments to the point that Ida believed she was super-human. Ida desperately tried to live up to the image of her mother. However, when she came close, her mother rose the bar again to keep it just out of reach. Ida then became overly critical of her actions, believing she needed to be perfect. Recovery: Ida accepted her imperfections and embraced them as a normal part of herself. Instead of trying to please others, she decided to please herself. Idealism breeds despair. Ida’s mom created her own fantasy world where she was all-powerful, brilliant, and beautiful. Ida was expected to be physical extensions of her mom. When Ida achieved a reward, it is as if her mother got it instead. Since no success was solely at the hands of Ida, she lost hope that her accomplishments matter. This generated feelings of despair and despondency. Recovery: Ida made a list of her accomplishments and unique talents. Whenever she would feel down, she reviewed the list to gain perspective. </l
Wed, May 08, 2019
11 Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Looking back, Jack could see that his relationship with Amanda was over several months ago, perhaps even years. But he was in denial and didn’t want to confront the painful issues that were left unresolved. What was once overlooked, minimized, explained away, or discounted is now an obvious sign of his deteriorating relationship. At first, she seemed so charming, helpful, generous, innocent, and gentle but then things turned, and an entirely different picture became apparent. Charming converted into controlling, helpful developed into obstructive, generous transformed into manipulative, innocent turned into culpable, and gentle grew into turbulent. He was exhausted and worn out but stayed. Then hopeful turned to hopeless and he was no longer able to continue in the relationship. The signs that the relationship was toxic are now clearer once Jack left. But how can he prevent this from happening in the future? Here are the 11 signs he missed. Transfers risk. Amanda asked Jack to assume her risk over a potentially sticky matter. Her job required random drug tests and since she used the prior weekend, she asked Jack to lie about her taking a prescription drug. She was afraid she was going to lose her job and asked him to cover for her. Of course, he could lose his government job for lying about this. But that didn’t matter to Amanda. She demanded that he help using everything from crying, to manipulate, to anger, and finally bribery. Constant victimization. Amanda told stories of past relationships where she was painted as the victim and her ex’s as the villain. Her constant influx of terrible people was used as a justification for not thriving. At first, Jack believed everything Amanda said. But after a while, Amanda’s ability to cut people out of their lives and continue her victimization wore on him. Inappropriate anger. Anger is a base emotion and a catch-all for other more intense feelings such as loneliness, fear, guilt, or controlling tendencies. It can come out in inappropriate ways such as aggression (bullying), suppression (silent treatment) or passive-aggressive (biting sarcasm). Amanda’s outbursts were intense, inappropriate, and designed to force Jack into submission. Jack, who hated conflict, would regularly fold just to keep the peace. Abusive tactics . Several abusive methods surfaced such as twisting the truth, gaslighting, verbal assaults, physical aggression, or guilt-tripping. These are all unhealthy indicators. Amanda would escalate given the right time, motivation, and environment. Any indicator of abuse is a bad sign. Jack was unaware of the abuse signals. His instincts told him something was off, but his logical brain dismissed the feeling and looked no further. Gossip talks. Amanda shared secrets with Jack about other people despite a clear breach of confidentiality. Unfortunate
Tue, March 26, 2019
How to Talk about Narcissism without Saying Narcissism
It was during Tim’s divorce from his wife of 18 years that he realized she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She had been a vindictive woman towards others in the past, cutting people off permanently when they accidentally or intentionally embarrassed her. But for some reason, he thought his 18-year marriage commitment would inoculate him from similar treatment. It did not. Even though she agreed to get a divorce, Tim’s filings of the papers seemed to set her off to an entirely different level. In the past, she said that he was a good father. Now to everyone who would listen: their friends, extended family, and the court, she painted a different picture. She accused him of abusive behavior, scaring the children, being fearful of her life, and hiding funds from the family (even though she managed the finances). She even took moments when she exploded and turned it around saying that he was the one who lost it. Tim was shocked and immediately went on the defensive pulling out cards, text messages, and pictures desperately trying to show the fallacy of her claims. Confused by her response to the divorce, he sought out the same marriage therapist they had seen a few years ago. It was then he received confirmation of something he had long suspected, she was narcissistic. But now what. Tim didn’t want to go around telling everyone that she had narcissistic traits because he would look just like her. He also didn’t want to tell his children anything negative about their mother for fear that they would say something to friends, family, or worse her. So, Tim needed a different strategy. Here is what he did. Pick out keywords. Tim took the definition of narcissism and selected keywords that were clearly identifiable in his soon-to-be-ex. Here is the list: acts superior to others, behaves arrogantly, is unforgiving, doesn’t apologize or admit error, is selfish, exaggerates accomplishments, fantasizes about her looks, needs constant attention, obsessed with looking younger, believes others want her life, shows no empathy, is opportunistic even when it hurts others, and demands others do as she requests. He chose six traits that could be easily been seen: unapologetic, vane, no empathy, superior attitude, selfish, and demanding. By using some of the traits and not the word narcissism, it opens up the dialogue without alienating or attacking. Find other examples. Instead of pointing out the six traits in his soon-to-be-ex to others, Tim choose a few popular people to highlight the same characteristics. For his friends, he selected a local politician who displayed the traits. For his kids, he selected a sports figure and an entertainer that they already knew. For his family, he chose another relative that was already distant from the group. By pointing out the behaviors, attitudes, and actions that look narcissistic without using the word, Tim was able to begin a dialogue about
Tue, March 26, 2019
The Addiction of Narcissism
One of the hardest types of people to deal with is a narcissist in the middle their addiction. They are completely exhausting. The combined selfishness of narcissism and addictive behavior is overpowering, relentless, callous, and frequently abusive. This destructive blend of arrogant thinking in that they are always right and that they do not have a problem leads to devastating consequences. There are many parts to the addicted narcissist and their road to recovery. The point of this article is to recognize the injurious behavior so more reasonable expectations can be established during the process and for the family. Origins. In both addicts and narcissists, shame is the common denominator. Stage two of Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Development which occurs between 18 months and three years old has shame as the negative outcome. Not all narcissists or addicts have trauma during these years, but it can be a good place to begin. Because there is a strong concurrence, about 50% of narcissists are addicts of some sort. Some studies suggest that fetal alcohol syndrome in a child is a sign of a female narcissist. Enablers. There are frequently two enablers. One bolsters the ego of the narcissist and one unknowingly encourages the addiction. The narcissistic enabler minimizes all signs of addiction and fosters feelings of superiority over others. The addiction enabler is likewise blind to symptoms of addiction therefore justifying financially supporting it. Both are needed to maintain the self-image of the narcissist. Sometimes, the victim of narcissistic abuse is the sole enabler. This person naively empowers both behaviors to continue. They have been told that the addiction is in their minds and they are the one to blame for it continuing. Saying like these are common. “No one else sees what you are seeing, you are the crazy one.” “If only you would do…, then I won’t have to…” The Cycle. The addiction cycle is comingled with the narcissistic abuse cycle. It begins when the narcissist feels threatened. They become angry and take out their frustration on a victim. Sensing resistance from the victim, they retreat to their addiction. The drug of choice reinforces their idealistic fantasies, perception of omnipotence, and extravagant schemes. However, this results in the enablers retreating from the narcissist. Now confused, the narcissistic ego feels threatened and the cycle repeats. Step One. The most difficult step is to get a narcissist to admit to their addiction. This is the first mandatory step of all addictive recovery which is particularly problematic for a person who believes they are above others. Not only are they reluctant to admit there is a problem, but they refuse to allow someone inferior to point it out. This is why confronting a narcissist about their addiction usually results in substantial rage. Rehab.</strong
Mon, March 18, 2019
How Narcissists Keep You from Grieving
Margie was devastated when her mother passed away. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer one month and then gone by the next. She had a close relationship with her mom and frequently leaned on her for support in her marriage, parenting her kids, and balancing family and work. The loss left a huge hole in her heart that she tried to grieve but couldn’t. The day of her mom’s funeral, her husband complained about being sick and asked Margie to go to the pharmacy for him. His “sickness” prevented him from helping her get the kids ready, straighten up the house, and answer phone calls from relatives. The one day she wanted to spend celebrating her mom was overshadowed by his neediness and refusal to assist her. When friends would express remorse for Margie’s loss, her husband would interrupt and talk about how much he was going to miss her. She tried to get away from her husband but she would find her and talk about how bad he was feeling. There was no show of empathy for her. Years later, during a counseling session, Margie’s therapist pointed out that she had not yet grieved her mother. Within months of losing her mom, her husband got a job change and moved the family from Margie’s childhood neighborhood. Margie was thrust into doing all the arrangements for the move, finding a new place, transferring school records, and establishing their new residence. After that, there was one thing after another that keep Margie from taking the time to grieve. Worse yet, every time she tried, her husband would make things about him. It wasn’t until counseling that Margie realized just how narcissistic he was. While the narcissism alone was difficult to manage, Margie had not realized how he had prevented her from grieving. Looking back over their marriage, there were other times when Margie had significant emotional responses such as joy, anger, excitement, fear, contentment, and sadness but she never felt the freedom to express herself. As a result, she shut down emotionally and appeared in therapy with a flat affect. How does this happen? The Narcissism Mask. At the heart of every narcissist is deep-rooted insecurity. Their grandiosity, superiority, arrogance, and selfishness make up the mask the narcissist puts on to hide their pain or fear. This mask makes the narcissist look perfect, charming, engaging, and even entertaining. But it is a façade and they will do whatever it takes to protect it including lying, deceiving, manipulating, and taking advantage of others. However, their insecurity prevents them from caring for their mask alone. Therefore, they need help from others to keep the mask in place. The only help they want is daily attention, affirmation, adoration, and affection. This feeds their ego, protects the insecurity, and solidifies the mask. The Narcissistic Threat. Any event, circumstance, trauma, or even abuse that could detract the narcissist from getting their feedi
Mon, March 18, 2019
How to Deal with Narcissistic Grandparents
At a family gathering, Susie’s 2-year-old son was happily running around until her mother-in-law pulled out her cane and tripped him. Susie looked on in horror as the grandmother laughed while her son cried from the fall. Then the grandmother yelled at the boy for crying, calling him a crybaby. Susie swept up her son and took him away. Later her husband asked what happened. Apparently, his mother reported that Susie was being overprotective of their son, she was coddling him, and even gave the mother an evil eye for no reason. Susie’s husband listened to a ten-minute rant from his mother about the multiple faults of Susie before he broke away. When Susie explained what really happened, her husband decided that it was time to act. As a child, Susie’s husband endured emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse from his narcissistic mother. He spent many years in therapy and thought that due to her age and deteriorating physical condition, she would not be a threat to his son. But he was wrong. The tripping of his son followed by the laughter and belittlement was all too familiar. This was not a pattern that he wanted to pass down to another generation. Susie and her husband decided on new boundaries to keep his mother from repeating her abusive patterns with their children. Here is what they decided. Think before speaking . Before visiting or speaking to a narcissist, remember that they are narcissistic. It might be helpful to review some of their glaring characteristics, so expectations can be more appropriately set. Once a person knows a lion is a lion, they should not expect a lamb. Susie and her husband prepared their son by telling him that it is not OK for anyone to try to hurt him (even a grandparent) and when he is hurt it is OK to cry. Boundary = I’m going to set reasonable expectations. Remember, it is all about them . It helps to have an expectation that the conversation will turn towards the narcissist. Because the grandmother felt like the 2-year-old was getting all the attention, she created an unnecessary drama designed to monopolize her son’s time. Expect that the narcissist will find a way to make things about them especially when they feel ignored. Boundary = I’m going to be judicious in giving attention. Refuse to be treated like a child. A typical tactic of narcissists is to overwhelm others into a state of heightened anxiety, so they are less able to think straight. Susie’s husband fell into this trap easily as his mother groomed him through intense interrogation as a child. This is about power and control for the narcissist. As soon as the narcissist begins, the adult should slow down their breathing. Then answer the question they wish the narcissist asked instead of the one that was asked and immediately follow it with a compliment. This disarms and distracts most narcissists. Boundary = I’m going
Tue, January 29, 2019
Obsessed: Narcissists and Their Food
It wasn’t until Tabitha had dinner at a friend’s house as a teenager that she realized there was something odd about how her family handled food. At her friend’s, there was food with a variety of healthy and even some unhealthy snacks. Her mother didn’t have a lock on the “special food” so no one could have access. Their mealtime was engaging and fun with everyone participating in the conversation. There were no snide remarks about eating too much or being forced to eat seconds. It was an enjoyable experience. But it wasn’t until years later, when Tabitha realized that her mother was narcissistic. Still, she didn’t make the connection between narcissism and food until she had her own family meals. And then, it struck her: her mother’s narcissism translated into an unhealthy obsession with food. This explained so much about Tabitha’s own anxious journey with food. The unhealthy food rules she grew up with were an extension of her mother’s controlling and manipulative behavior. Here’s how. Food management. Tabitha’s mom disliked fish so she refused to serve it eventhough everyone else in the family loved it. Her mom’s food likes and dislikes dominated the menu, if she didn’t like something then it wasn’t to be served at all. Food supremacy. Perhaps the oddest realization was that Tabitha’s mom expected that she would always be served the best and/or largest portion of food. Whether she cooked the food or not, her mom demanded the first pick. Food as power. One morning Tabitha’s dad surprised the family by making a large pancake breakfast. Tabitha’s mom took one look at the meal with disgust on her face and started making herself eggs. When confronted, she said she didn’t like being told what to eat. Food as entitlement. Even when Tabitha’s family was a guest at someone else’s house, her mom would find something wrong with the food being served. She doesn’t like cheese and therefore can’t eat the meal. She would then expect an additional meal to be especially prepared for her. Food as control. During family meals, Tabitha’s mom would scold her for eating too much and make fun of her for asking for seconds. But when company came over, her mom would demand that everyone have seconds or else she won’t believe that they liked her food. Food and appearance. To make matters worse, Tabitha’s mom would look at what she was eating and make a comment like, “You’re not going to eat that are you? You know how easily you gain weight.” She did this even when Tabitha was struggling with anorexia. Food arrogance. Growing up, Tabitha’s dad did a lot of the family cooking. One several occasions after he prepared the meal and it was ready to be served, her mom would take a phone call and hold up when the family ate. One night, they sat at th
Tue, January 29, 2019
The Dark Tetrad: Possibly THE Scariest Boss
No matter what the profession, if a boss has this personality combination, they are terrifying. The Dark Tetrad is composed of four parts: narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism. Sadism is the addition to the Dark Triad which has narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. For either condition, this means a person possesses the characteristics of all of these personalities. The Dark Tetrad shares two major characteristics: extreme selfishness and a lack of empathy for others. This combination affords the ability to cause harm and abuse others in a variety of ways without any regard for the feelings, safety, or morality of the victims. As bosses, they are focused on dominance and power often using aggression, manipulation, exploitation, and vindictiveness. All behavior is justified if it grants them what they want, including criminal acts. Narcissism. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a DSM-V diagnosis. Generally speaking, they are superior, grandiose, demanding, prideful, boastful, arrogant, and self-centered. They need and expect constant admiration, attention, and affection. They can be abusive when threatened or their needs aren’t being met. The disorder is both inherited and developed in childhood. Machiavellianism. Prince Machiavelli wrote the Italian book The Prince in the 1500s. It outlines a political philosophy on how rulers are to govern their subjects. Machiavellianism is the adaptation of this philosophy into a personality and as such is a personality construct not a disorder. Therefore, it is not inherited; rather it is a learned behavioral pattern. Machiavellians are manipulative, exploitative of others, cynical, deceptive and believe it is better to be feared than loved. Unlike Narcissists, they do not make exaggerated claims about their significance or accomplishments. Unlike Psychopaths and Sadists, they are too calculating to risk vengeful or cruel behavior unless there is a specific gain. Psychopathy. Psychopaths are under the Anti-Social Personality Disorder umbrella listed in the DSM-V along with Sociopaths and Sadists. A psychopath has the ability to create an entire persona in direct contrast to who they really are. They are very calculating, callous, without a conscience, pathological liars, remorse-free, and dangerous. Their personality is both inherited and developed through a traumatic and abusive childhood. Psychopaths, unlike Machiavellians and Narcissists, can instantly read the emotions of others and calculate how to use it to their advantage without any emotional response. They have no problem hurting others, but it is always for a purpose, unlike Sadists. Sadism. Sadists are a part of Anti-Social Personality Disorder now. In the past, they had a separate diagnosis under the old DSM formats. The name Sadism comes from Marquis de Sade (1740-1814) a French philosopher and writer. His works combined philosophy with sexual fantasies and violent behavior
Fri, December 07, 2018
The Dysfunctional Bond Between Narcissists and Co-Dependents
Megan and Ryan decided to go to marriage counseling after their last fight resulted in the police being called. After being married for 7 years, the marriage was falling apart, and Ryan now had a police record for domestic violence as a result. The conflict did not start with Ryan hitting his wife, as the arrest record portrayed. Rather Megan was aggressive towards him – throwing things, hitting him, and physically blocking his only exit. In an effort to defended himself and get away from her, he shoved her. But when the police arrived they saw a 6’ tall man, Ryan, and a 5’ tall woman, Megan, so he was arrested. Desperate to make his marriage work, Ryan reached out for help from a therapist. Megan was more than happy to go to a therapist now that Ryan had a police record as she believed that inoculated her from any wrongdoing. But it wasn’t too long into the session that the therapist identified Megan as a narcissist and Ryan as a co-dependent. Narcissists and people pleasers are strangely drawn towards each other. While opposites do attract, the bond between these personalities is strong as each unknowingly meets the dysfunctional needs of the other. Here is how: Distorted perception . Narcissists think of themselves first and very little of others while people pleasers think of others and very little of themselves. Both, however, believe that their way of perceiving is correct. It is not. The neglect of others (narcissism) is selfish and causes unnecessary distance, confrontation and lack of intimacy. The neglect of self (people pleasing) creates unwanted exhaustion, increased anxiety and contributes to a lack of intimacy. Without a balance of self and others, a person cannot be fully intimate. Driven to rescue . Narcissists and people pleasers love to rescue others however, they do it for very different reasons. Narcissists gain a sense of superiority from saving others because they were able to solve something the other person could not do on their own. In exchange for the help, narcissists demand unending loyalty. People pleasers gain a natural high from the same act as they love to feel needed. This strokes their ego and impression of self as a selfless person. In exchange, people pleasers expect friendship. Craving admiration . This is the key to both personalities: the need to be admired by others. Narcissists believe they should be adored because of their expertise, superiority, beauty, intelligence, or accomplishments. It does not matter if they have achieved anything special, narcissists believe they are above others and deserve constant admiration. The term “people pleasers” defines the essential need for satisfying others and seeking their approval. Without admiration, people pleasers and narcissists become starved usually resulting in an emotional explosion.
Fri, December 07, 2018
Parental Alienation
There is hardly a day that doesn’t go by in my counseling practice where someone brings up the concept of parental alienation. The problem is that the term is frequently misused. For some, it is a catch phrase used to describe any and all poor parent/child relationships. After all, it is far easier to blame the ex-spouse for the child’s poor behavior than it is to look at one’s self. This article is an attempt to clear up some confusion and answer some basic questions about alienation. What is parental alienation? Parental alienation occurs when one parent encourages their child to unfairly reject the other parent. The child might display signs of unwarranted fear, hostility, and/or disrespect toward one parent while displaying signs of loyalty, unconditional trust, and/or empathy towards the other. The contrast in behavior, emotional responses, and thoughts towards each parent are dichotomous. The child may or may not be able to communicate logical reasoning for the difference. What are the variations of alienation? There are three primary ways alienation occurs from the parent’s perspective: naively, actively, and obsessively. Naively . The naïve parent is not trying to alienate the child from the other parent. Instead, they may do so with passive-aggressive comments such as, “Your mom makes more money than me, so she can pay for that.” These statements are not meant to cause a rift between the child and the other parent, however, the child might hold onto these statements and connect them with other similar comments resulting in them naturally pulling away from the other parent. Actively . The active parent tries to generate feelings of loyalty in the child at the expense of the other parent. “If you tell your dad about my promotion, he might try to reduce my child support.” By asking the child to maintain a secret from the other parent, there is a private bond from which the child learns to withhold parts of their life from the other parent. Over a long period of time, this can result in a more distant relationship. Obsessively . The obsessed parent is intentionally manipulative in aggressively seeking out opportunities to alienate the child from the other parent. “When your mom gets mad, I don’t know what she will do to you and I’m afraid for your safety.” The obsessed parent is deliberately poisoning the relationship between the child and the other parent. This is a consistent and persistent action usually done without any parental remorse for any harm that might come to the child because of it. What about the child? Children who are the innocent victims of parental alienation fall into two categories: oblivious and hostage. The oblivious child is unaware of the alienation efforts by the one parent and even when it is brought to light, still defends the parent. However, the hostage
Wed, November 07, 2018
5 Tips for Surviving Narcissistic In-Laws over the Holidays
As the holidays approached, Heather began to worry about the next encounter with her in-laws. Last Thanksgiving was a complete disaster. After spending days getting their new house ready for the visit, her narcissistic mother-in-law walked in the house and announced, “It’s not that bad.” Heather tried to brush it off, but the comments kept coming. “Let me help you fix the table,” she said next. Then she proceeded to reorganize the silverware, napkins, and other accessories. She grabbed the flower arrangement that was carefully done and took it apart, changing the vase and rearranging the flowers. “You aren’t going to do the gravy that way, are you?” was the next attack. Heather tried to swallow the comments but eventually, her mother-in-law wore her down. Finding peace felt impossible. Another couple of comments later, Heather exploded. Now her mother-in-law turned the tables on her and played the victim blaming Heather for ruining the dinner. The rest of the family chimed in until Heather retreated to her room. Even her husband wasn’t helpful either. His mother had done the comments outside of his ear so when he confronted his mom, she lied about it. Once again, Heather felt alone and isolated during a family holiday. Ironically, this is precisely what her mother-in-law wanted. For her to remain the center of attention, she felt the need to take Heather down and take over control. All the more reason why Heather wanted to do something different this year. Here are five suggestions for surviving the next family event: Do pre-planning. Every winning team knows that one of the key ingredients to being successful is to understand your opponent. Families, both functional and dysfunctional, have a rhythm. Take a moment to step outside of a past gathering and make observations about how the family makes decisions, talks and treats each other and outsiders, has fun, negotiates, and determines who is in charge. What is essential to the family: values, morality, religion, logic, feelings, or connection? This is not about finger pointing or trying to alienate one person or idea regardless of the dysfunction. Instead, it is about information gathering. Form a strategy. Timing is everything. Just because a strategy did not work in the past, it does not mean that it won’t work in the future. Be open to all strategies and carefully select the best one depending on the nature of the event and the participants. For instance, in a large family gathering when the conversation gets dicey, ask the narcissist a question about themselves. This simple redirection will keep the person asking the question in good graces and redirect any unwanted negative attention. By doing so some reading on narcissism and understanding what makes them tick, several strategies can be formulated. Gather the team. The team might be a spouse, kids, or other safe relatives that
Wed, October 31, 2018
The Sociopathic Art of Deception
As a science teacher in a public high school, Amanda was well liked by her students. Not only was she young, beautiful, and a good communicator, but she also had a way of interacting with the students that was a bit different yet very effective. Everyone loved her – teachers, administrators, students, and parents – which, in many ways, made her feel like she was above following the rules. Then one day, when a parent accused her of improper texting with their teen son, some of her comments were found to be sexually suggestive in nature. Even though Amanda was able to explain communicating with the student through a text to administration (she lied and said it was part of the curriculum), which somewhat satisfied the concerned parent, still Amanda was out for blood. Behind the scenes, she went after the administrator that confronted her by spreading untrue gossip just to watch him squirm. And as for the parents, she intentionally engaged in an improper relationship with their son just to get back at them. What on earth would make someone do this or participate in other, similar behaviors? Ever wonder how a person was able to earn trust so quickly and then exploit it for their own benefit? Perhaps they were someone who stole money, took over a business, or openly violated ethical conduct codes. One day they were considered as a best friend and now for no apparent reason, they purposefully go out of their way make themselves your enemy. And even after the betrayal, it is hard to imagine that this person is anything less than what they initially presented. How were they able to be so deceptive? Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) is the technical definition for sociopathic and psychopathic behavior. Imagine ASPD as a spectrum where there is evidence of subtle to extreme versions of the behavioral dysfunction. Sociopaths are generally thought of as a milder type than psychopaths. This makes them harder to recognize in the average work environment. So how do they do it? Survey – Sociopaths begin their deception by carefully observing their new environment. Since most sociopaths burn through relationships fast, they are frequently forced into new surroundings to survive. They look for potential targets: those with money, power, position or anything the other person has that the sociopath wants. Sociopaths scrutinize the target’s friends, work habits, routines, family, strengths, weaknesses, and social affairs. Basically, they are stalking their prey. Scoping – After choosing the target, sociopaths scope out an informant. This person usually has the dirt on everyone, likes to gossip, and puts themselves in the middle of things. The sociopath will quickly become best buddies with this person in an effort to glean as much information as possible. In the future, they will use this relationship to disseminate bad intelligence about others. Chameleon – S
Wed, October 17, 2018
Stockholm Syndrome
What is Stockholm Syndrome? Usually the term is reserved for hostage situations referencing a bank robbery that occurred in 1973 in Stockholm Sweden. After spending 6 days in a bank vault, the four hostages refused to testify against their captors and instead raised money for their defense. The term refers to the trauma bond developed between the captor and the hostages in which the hostages feel positive feelings such as empathy for the person that is causing them harm. This allows the captor to not feel remorse for their actions as the hostages don’t hold them responsible. What are some other examples? One of the most famous cases of Stockholm Syndrome is the kidnapping of Patty Hearst in 1974 who denounced her family name and sided with her kidnappers in assisting them to rob banks. She was given a prison sentence that was later pardoned by President Bill Clinton. Another example is Jaycee Dugard who was kidnapped at age 11 in 1991 and held hostage for 18 years bearing 2 children by her abuser. In her book, she explains the syndrome and how she formed a bond with both of her captors over the years. Are there fewer extreme examples? Absolutely. A person currently living in an abusive situation often has this condition. This is the reason why many people don’t leave their abuser but instead, continue to hold onto the relationship. In the case of Bailey, she wanted to believe that her father was telling the truth so much that she accepted his assessment of her mental well-being as being crazy when she was not. Her desire to have a relationship with her father meant that she was ignorant of the different types of abuse, justified his abuse in therapy as the result of his childhood abuse and minimized any impact. The result was she honestly believed that she was the problem and not him. How do you recover? The recovery process requires identification and awareness. This is one of the few times when googling a disorder is helpful. Hearing and seeing examples of other victims brings awareness at another level. It is often easier to see the problem in someone else’s story before identifying it in yours. Once an understanding has been established, rewriting the abuse needs to occur. This is time-consuming and should be done under the guidance of a therapist. A person with Stockholm Syndrome already has a hard time perceiving things correctly and needs professional assistance until a new, more accurate perception is developed. How do you help someone with this? It is essential to develop a bond of trust that is based on empathy and not judgment. Those looking at the scenario from the outside in are often highly judgmental and critical of the victim’s behavior. The victim is already overloaded with feelings of inadequacy, shame, and guilt that are disproportionately attributed to their actions a
Wed, October 10, 2018
Healing from a Narcissistic Parent
The moment Brian first really understood the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a light bulb went off in his brain. He spent most of his life thinking he was crazy, lazy, and stupid – three words his father often said about him to other family members and friends. His father also severely and harshly disciplined him, set-up unnecessary competitions in which his dad was the winner, never apologized, showed no empathy even when Brian was hurt, and treated everyone like they were inferior. For years, Brian struggle with insecurity, anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. After his business failed, Brain decided it was time to rethink his life, so he began therapy. It didn’t take too long before the therapist identified narcissistic characteristics in his father. Suddenly, everything became clear that the very issues he struggled to overcome were a direct result of having a narcissistic parent. But knowing this information and healing from it are two different matters. The lack of self-esteem, obsessive thinking, minimization of abuse, excessive anxiety, fear-based reactions, and heightened survival instincts are common among adult children of narcissists. The distorted perception of reality a narcissistic parent imposes on a child has damaging consequences on the adult at work and home. By addressing the impact of narcissism, a person finds relief. Here are the seven steps: Recognize. The first step in the healing process is to admit that there is something wrong with a parent’s behavior. A person can’t recover from something they refuse to acknowledge. Most narcissistic parents pick a favorite child, the “golden child,” who is treated as if they walk on water, this was Brian’s older brother. In comparison, Brian was treated as inferior through belittlement, comparing, ignoring and even neglect. Occasionally, his father switched his favoritism depending on the performance of a child. When Brian received a football scholarship, his dad treated him like the golden child; but when he lost it due to an injury, he was inferior again. The key to remember is that narcissistic parents see the child as an extension of them so they take credit for the successes and reject the child who fails. Study. Once the narcissism is identified, it is essential to gain an education about the disorder and how it affects the entire family system. Narcissism is part biology (other family members likely have the disorder as well), part environment (trauma, abuse, shame, and neglect can draw narcissism out), and part choice (as a teen, a person chooses their identity and what is acceptable behavior). Since there might be other narcissists or personality disorders in a family, it is easy to trace the pattern. The environment and choice factors can further draw out the narcissism in a child which is cemented by age eighteen. Recount. This next step is comfortable in
Thu, September 20, 2018
Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissist Child
Christine reviews the tips and techniques for coping with an adult narcissist child. Live in the present. One of the biggest temptations is to look backwards and wonder, “what if,” or “if only”. Second to that is to look too far ahead and try to predict the action of the ANC. Neither of these is productive. Narcissism is part biology, environment, and choice, so as circumstances change, so can the shape of the narcissist. Living in the present requires a bit of disciple but it is worth it. Even when the ANC has chosen the silent treatment, that is likely to be modified when they find they need a different response. • Avoid over or under complimenting. As a general rule, parents like to praise their children. Normally narcissists love to admired but when the ANC receives compliments from their parent, it seems belittling to them. Rather, extend applause for only the things which the ANC brings to light. For instance, if shown a letter of recommendation, praise them for that. Just be careful not to take any credit for their accomplishments. • Love or respect. A wise counselor once told me that when it comes to narcissists, the choice is to have either their love or respect, but not both. However, knowing which is more significant, is an individual decision. To earn their love means the parent watches their ANC’s mistakes and does not highlight them. Winning their respect means the parent achieves something the narcissist values. • Patience is a virtue. Nagging the ANC does not work. It only frustrates them and causes unnecessary friction. In time, most ANC’s return to the nest especially when life has failed to glorify them and they need the unconditional support of their parent. Waiting them out with open arms is difficult and likely one of the toughest tasks of parenting yet. There is no guarantee reward at the end, but it is worth the effort. • Don’t expect remorse. Part of the definition of narcissistic personality disorder is the inability to demonstrate any real form of remorse, sorrow, or forgiveness. This is especially true when it comes to the relationship between the parent and the ANC. The ANC will not admit to wrongdoing, flawed thinking, an error in judgement, or poor decision. To expect such awareness is to not recognize the limitations of the disorder. • Be careful of significant others. When the ANC finds a mate, it is essential that the parent show happiness for them regardless of the quality of the decision. Any indication of disapproval will be met with swift isolation that could last for years. At all costs, this should be avoided. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, September 20, 2018
How Not to be Your Boss' Scapegoat
Understand what a scapegoat is. The purpose of a scapegoat is to pass responsibility onto someone else. Usually this person is unsuspecting at first and agrees because they are trying to get along with others. This technique of passing the buck is very common with narcissists, sociopaths, and addicts. Narcissists can’t allow their ego to be tarnished by an error. Sociopaths do it for the sport of it. And addicts do it because accepting fault in one area of their life means being accountable in another. Don’t accept liability. Looking back on the two events, Monica had an opportunity in both events to be honest with her level of responsibility. Instead, she chose to take on things that were not her fault. This did not improve her relationships as the two individuals just saw Monica as a pushover and someone they can continue to take advantage of in the future. Had she refused to be their scapegoat, a level of respect would be achieved instead of contempt. Review past experience. Her feelings of frustration over being a scapegoat ran deep. Upon further examination, Monica realized that her brother used to get her in trouble for his offenses all the time. Her parents, trying to be impartial, told the kids to “work it out.” Her brother’s idea of this was to threaten harm to her if she didn’t agree to take blame. As a demonstration of his determination, he even lit her stuffed animals on fire. Her willingness at work to make excuses for her boss and assistant was subconsciously rooted in the fear her brother instilled. Stop being the scapegoat. Once Monica separated out trauma from past events, she was able to set new boundaries. She began by issuing a written warning with her assistant about her late arrivals and notified Human Resources of her suspicious behavior. Then she researched narcissistic bosses and found other ways to feed his ego. This pacified her boss and neutralized her assistant. Despite a couple of attempts to thwart her boundaries, Monica remained firm. Expose the abuser. Monica knew that eventually she would need to expose the scapegoating technique to prevent other employees from damage. But doing this too soon would mean jeopardizing her job, so she waited and watched. When she saw another employee taking the fall for yet another blunder by her boss, Monica spoke to that person and advised them not to take on the blame. This frustrated her boss, but by then, Monica had established a good enough relationship with Human Resources that her job was secured. Once Human Resources caught on, it was only a matter of time before her boss was removed. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Sun, August 05, 2018
Narcissist Awareness Grief
Christine introduces the concept of "NAG" with a story of her own client, Sam. She unpacks the symptoms and the 6 stages of NAG which all need to be faced and understood. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Fri, August 03, 2018
What You Can Do If Your Teen Seems Narcissistic
Chistine makes suggestions - What You Can Do If Your Teen Seems Narcissistic www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Tue, June 26, 2018
Shame Based Parenting
Christine talks about "shame-based" parenting. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Tue, June 26, 2018
Parents of Narcissist? - It's Not Your Fault
Christine explores the challenges facing parents of narcissistic children, and how to cope. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Wed, March 28, 2018
Passive Aggressive Personality Trait
On this edition, Christine unpacks the Passive-Aggressive Personality Traits - they are much like a personality disorder and often show up similar to narcissism www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, March 22, 2018
Abuse Fog
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Thu, March 15, 2018
Trauma Bonding
Christine covers trauma bonds, what they are, how to identify them, and how they can effect us in a relationship with a narcissist. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Wed, March 07, 2018
Dating Apps and Narcissism
Christine visits with her colleague Nate Webster to discuss dating apps and narcissists, the relationship between this social technology and the behavior of them, and what to watch out for if you are using these apps to find a mate. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Tue, March 06, 2018
Shaming tactics
Narcissists use shame to control people around them. It is a very real form of emotional abuse. By recognizing these tactics (there are 11 different examples) you will be better equipped to manage through these tactics. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Tue, February 27, 2018
Smear Tactics
How does a narcissist control you? Christine covers the 5 ways, the tactics they use in a relationship to smear you - understanding these tactics can help you out-maneuver the narcissist. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Tue, February 20, 2018
Hidden Shame
Hidden shame can show up in the strangest ways, and at unexpected times in any relationship. Christine shares how an individual might lie to cover up their own hidden shame, bury the truth in an effort to protect themselves. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, February 08, 2018
Abuse Part 8-Legal
In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the toxic ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, February 01, 2018
Abuse Part 7-Spiritual
In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the toxic ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, January 25, 2018
Abuse Part 6 -Financial
In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the toxic ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, January 18, 2018
Abuse Part 5-Sexual
In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the toxic ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Sat, January 06, 2018
Abuse Part 2-Physical
In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Sat, January 06, 2018
Abuse Part 3-Verbal
In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Sat, January 06, 2018
Abuse Part 4-Emotional
In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Sat, January 06, 2018
Abuse Part 1-Mental
In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics. www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 30, 2017
Working with a Narcissist
A new episode Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 30, 2017
Smear Attacks
A new episode Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 30, 2017
The Addict Narcissist
A new episode Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 30, 2017
Male & Female Narcissists: What are the Differences?
A new episode Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 30, 2017
The Holidays with a Narcissist
A new episode Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, November 30, 2017
10 Tips for Working with a Narcissist
A new episode Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Wed, November 22, 2017
E011: Mommie Dearest - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Mommie Dearest: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: The 1981 movie, Mommie Dearest, has the infamous wire hanger scene where Joan rages over a single wire hanger in her daughter’s closet caused a stir with Joan’s physically abusive behavior. Daughters of narcissistic mothers report similar rages over small incidents. The constant shifting standards of perfectionism designed to elevate the narcissistic mother at the expense of the child defies the customary nurturing maternal instincts. www.growwithchristine.com Sponsored by: www.psychcentral.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Wed, November 22, 2017
E010: Danger Ahead - The Delusional Narcissist
Danger Ahead: The Delusional Narcissist : How does a narcissist go from appearing so charming and innocent to becoming harmful and dangerous? Most narcissists utilize verbal abusive tactics to get what they want in fits of rage, some do long-term mental and emotional abuse, and still fewer escalate to murderous acts. Yet, there is a very small population of narcissists that do commit heinous acts of violence like homicide, murder/suicide, mass murder, or familicide. So how does this happen? www.growwithchristine.com Sponsored by: www.psychcentral.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Tue, November 07, 2017
E09: How to Survive a Divorce with a Narcissist
Divorce is difficult. But divorcing a narcissist can feel impossible. The surprise abusive attacks followed by the desperate pleas to remain together create confusion, frustration, and anxiety. Here are a few of their tactics. For more help, join us for a 4 week live webinar on how to Survive a Divorce with a Narcissist. Register here: http://growwithchristine.com/narcissism/narcissism-copy-2/ . Sponsored by www.psychcentral.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Tue, November 07, 2017
E08: Ways Narcissists Retaliate Through Children
Divorcing a narcissist doesn’t solve everything. The next party on the victimization list is often the children. But really, the narcissist is just using the children to attack the ex-spouse. Learn how. For more help, join us for a 4 week live webinar on how to Survive a Divorce with a Narcissist. Register here: http://growwithchristine.com/narcissism/narcissism-copy-2/ . Sponsored by www.psychcentral.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Tue, November 07, 2017
E07: How to Divorce a Narcissist
Divorcing a narcissist is grueling because they refuse to be on the receiving end of someone leaving them. It takes careful planning to avoid complete exhaustion. Follow these steps before confronting your narcissistic spouse. For more help, join us for a 4 week live webinar on how to Survive a Divorce with a Narcissist. Register here: http://growwithchristine.com/narcissism/narcissism-copy-2/ . Sponsored by www.psychcentral.com . Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Mon, July 17, 2017
E06: Can A Narcissist Be Remorseful?
Have you ever wondered if narcissists are capable or remorse and even empathy? Discover the answer in this episode. To learn more, visit www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Thu, June 08, 2017
E05: Covert Narcissists
What is a covert narcissist? And how do they differ from other types of narcissists? Discover the answer in this episode. For more information, visit www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Wed, June 07, 2017
E04: What's In A Name?
Discover the different personality disorders and how they are different and similar to narcissistic personality disorder. To learn more, visit www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Sat, February 25, 2017
E03: Narcissistic Mothers and Their Daughters
Narcissistic mothers are often portrayed in popular culture and Disney movies. Discover the hallmark traits of narcissistic mothers and their daughters, and a case study that illustrates the dynamic between them. For more information, visit www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Sat, February 25, 2017
E02: Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
In this episode, you'll discover the narcissist cycle of abuse; what it is and how to deal with it effectively. Learn how to avoid verbal assaults and how the narcissist uses the cycle of abuse for their own benefit. To learn more, visit www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Sat, February 25, 2017
E01: What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism is not going away- we see in our political environment and in society in general. In this episode you'll discover what narcissism is, the origin of the term narcissism and what motivates a narcissist. For more information, visit www.growwithchristine.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
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