Playing With Fire
Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
S11 E201 · Sat, April 26, 2025
201 Lots of fish in the sea, how do I find mine?
We’ve made a ton of episodes about how to work on relationships once you’re in them. But we also often get asked… how do I actually find good matches while dating?? It’s not always as easy as making an online dating profile and seeing how it goes. We often focus so much on what we want in a partner that we forget to ask ourselves what we’re actually available to offer. If you’re struggling with dating, we’re gonna help you get clear on your availability and bottom-line requirements, which just might totally transform the experience from an exhausting exercise to an exciting opportunity for genuine connection. In this episode, we talk about: — The critical difference between knowing what you want in a partner versus knowing what you're available to offer — Why fawning (trying to be what you think others want) leads to unsatisfying connections and wasted time — How to identify and honor your "bottom-line requirements" in relationships — Why the dating pool in non-monogamy can feel smaller, leading to scarcity mindset and compromising on what truly matters — The importance of creating dating contexts that support your authentic self (like choosing coffee shops over romantic restaurants for first dates) — Why having 2-3 specific questions you ask on every first date can help you gather crucial information — How to balance putting your best foot forward without falling into people-pleasing patterns — The value of taking breaks from dating when needed and returning with renewed clarity — Why articulating what you ARE available for is more powerful than listing what you're NOT available for JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S11 E200 · Sat, April 19, 2025
200 Episodes Strong: What We've Learned About Love, Business, and Growth
Reaching 200 episodes of any podcast is a milestone worth celebrating. But when you're recording with your spouse while simultaneously building a business together? That's a whole different level of achievement. In this special anniversary episode, we pull back the curtain on what it's like to navigate the complex terrain of intimate partnership while also being public-facing business collaborators. Our journey hasn't always been smooth—in fact, there were times when working together nearly broke us apart—but the lessons we've learned have been invaluable for our relationship and for the work we do with others. Whether you're considering starting a venture with your partner or simply curious about how relationships evolve through professional collaboration, tune in for some candid reflections into this messy and beautiful process! In this episode, we talk about: — Our unexpected journey from recording 13 simple book-companion episodes to creating 200 episodes and building a business together — The painful lessons from our first business venture together and how those early struggles shaped our current dynamic — Why the wrong leadership structure in a partnership can create ongoing tension and resentment — How fear-based decision making led to overworking and boundary violations in our early business relationship — The importance of claiming your authentic strengths and limitations when working with a partner — Why watching your partner interact professionally with others can deepen trust in unexpected ways — The spiral nature of learning in partnership—how each "failure" can lead to greater self-awareness if you're willing to be honest about your limitations — How business collaboration can serve as a powerful individuation opportunity when you allow it to reflect your inner world — The delicate balance of supporting your partner's spotlight while managing your own feelings of envy — Why creating a podcast together can be both navel-gazing and self-indulgent and meaningful and potentially transformative Resources mentioned in this episode: — Project Relationship : The book that started our podcasting journey together JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers y
S11 E199 · Sat, April 12, 2025
199 Why Verbal Agreements Suck (And Why We Still Use Them)
We make verbal agreements with others every day. This can look like something simple—“I’ll bring you a cup of tea”—or like bigger, more complex relationship commitments. But when these agreements live only in our (fallible!) memories, they become vulnerable to misinterpretation, forgetfulness, and even unconscious manipulation. Writing down every single agreement you make isn’t practical (or necessary), but understanding when to put pen to paper can be the difference between relationship harmony and avoidable harm. In this episode, we talk about: — Why verbal agreements often lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings — The difference between everyday agreements and systemic agreements that need documentation — How writing agreements down helps extract them from the shifting context of conversations — The role of weaponized incompetence and how it can show up unconsciously in relationships — Why the mental load of tracking agreements often falls unfairly on one partner — How to perfection-proof your agreements by including what happens when you can't fulfill them — The importance of self-awareness in knowing which agreements you can actually keep — A real-life example of a couple whose weekend-long verbal agreement led to feelings of betrayal — Why writing is thinking, and how it forces us to clarify what we actually mean — How different relationship dynamics might require different approaches to agreements — The painful decade-long aftermath of a misunderstood Christmas agreement in a polyamorous relationship JOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S11 E198 · Sat, April 05, 2025
198 Why does jealousy freak out the nervous system?
Ok, so you’re working on nervous system regulation, and you’re working on jealousy. But why is it that the feeling of jealousy can just totally freak out our nervous systems?? In this episode, we’re answering this and other questions about jealousy, panic, and somatics. When jealousy triggers that primal panic in our bodies, it can feel like your world is ending. But we’re not powerless against. There are some practical ways to navigate these intense emotions without letting them derail your relationship and your sense of self, and we’re sharing them with you in this episode! We’re breaking down: — Why jealousy triggers such intense nervous system responses from an attachment theory perspective — The concept of primal panic and how it relates to our sense of safety in relationships — How our attachment systems can remain wired to one person even as we try to create space for multiple relationships — The physiological experience of jealousy as a "high volume" emotion with intense bodily sensations — How neural tags from past experiences, media, and cultural stories can amplify our jealousy responses — The importance of distinguishing between the physical sensations of jealousy and the stories we tell ourselves about what's happening — Practical techniques for managing jealousy in the moment, including tracking sensations, using humor, and co-regulation — Why creating a "rescue plan" for jealousy episodes returns our sense of agency and helps prevent spiraling — The value of asking for specific reassurance that addresses your actual fears rather than generic comfort — How jealousy can reveal important information about ourselves and our deepest fears if we're willing to examine it — Why experiencing jealousy doesn't mean you're "failing" at non-monogamy—it's a normal part of the journey Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Befriending Jealousy Workshop on March 25, 2025, from 7-9pm Eastern time — Episode 170 : Jealousy and Attachment Panic — Episode 118 : Are there quick and easy ways to manage relationship stress? — Episode 113 : How to do hard things and
S11 E197 · Sat, March 29, 2025
197 I Want What They’ve Got: Feeling Envy Towards Your Partner
Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it! When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging something we lack or desire, which isn't always comfortable. But if you face it head on, partner envy can be a great opportunity for individuation and personal growth. In this episode, we talk about: — How envy of your partner often gets hidden behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment — The difference between wanting what someone has versus wanting to be what they are — Why "fairness" alarms often trigger us to reach for things we don't actually want — The danger of compartmentalizing when comparing ourselves to our partners — Common scenarios where partner envy emerges, especially in newly opened relationships with desire mismatches — How unaddressed envy quickly transforms into resentment that damages relationships — Why partners sometimes pull back from activities to avoid triggering their partner's envy (and why this doesn't actually solve anything) — The reality that shifting relationship paradigms typically takes 3-5 years , not the 3-5 months many people hope for — How to dig beneath surface envy to discover what you truly want when you're envious of something you don't actually desire — The different experiences people of different genders have on dating apps and how this creates unique envy dynamics — Why taking a narrow view often fuels envy, while stepping back to see the full picture can help dissolve it Resources mentioned in this episode: — Joli’s Jealousy Resource Center JOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by <a href="https://app.sessio
S11 E196 · Sat, March 22, 2025
196 Envy: How to Use It and How to Lose It
Let's be honest—most of us really don’t want to talk about envy. It's uncomfortable, it feels icky, and it brings up all sorts of emotions we'd rather not face. You know we love to talk about jealousy, but understanding envy, especially how it differs from jealousy, can also be incredibly valuable for relational and personal growth. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between envy and jealousy, and why we often conflate them — How envy involves comparing ourselves to others and breaking people down into parts rather than seeing them as whole humans — The underlying sense of unfairness that fuels envy and how it can become destructive — Why envy can be both a powerful motivator and a path to self-destruction — How envy shows up specifically in non-monogamous relationships, especially when it appears alongside jealousy — The way envy can point us toward our genuine wants and desires if we're willing to examine it — How envy can be valuable individuation material that helps us understand our values and what we truly want — The destructive potential of envy in relationships and communities when left unexamined — Practical ways to work with envy when it arises, including using it as information rather than letting it control our actions — The importance of considering not just what we envy in others, but whether we're willing to do what it takes to achieve similar outcomes Resources mentioned in this episode: — Cinderella and Her Sisters: The Envied and the Envying by Ann and Barry Ulanov — What is Compersion? by Marie Thouin — The Drama Triangle concept by Stephen Karpman JOIN The Year of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S11 E195 · Sat, March 15, 2025
195 Help, I’ve Struck Gold: Handling NRE in Two Relationships
New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in multiple places. We made this episode in response to a listener question—what do I do with all these feelings and expectations? How do I prepare for when this chemical cocktail starts to fade? Even though it’s really exciting, this noisy emotional environment requires thoughtful navigation to maintain balance and authenticity. In this episode we’re helping you navigate everything from the big picture emotional questions to the practical, day-to-day questions like how to manage your schedule. We’re breaking down: — The neurochemical nature of NRE — How NRE can lead us to project our desires onto new partners rather than seeing them clearly — The difference between NRE (new relationship energy) and limerence, and why understanding this distinction matters — Why NRE often causes us to mute our own boundaries and bottom-line requirements — The challenge of maintaining authenticity when we're caught up in the newness of relationships — How to recognize when you're abandoning yourself, your established partners, or your friendships during intense NRE periods — The importance of explicit conversations about expectations rather than just "going with the flow" — Strategies for pacing yourself and managing your energy when experiencing multiple NREs — The transition from NRE to ERE (established relationship energy) and how to nurture deeper connections — Why comparing your relationships is less valuable than examining how you show up differently in each one Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 153 : Limerence vs. New Relationship Energy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S11 E194 · Sat, March 08, 2025
194 Reimagining Relationships
When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way? Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead, reimagining opens space to explore what your relationship could become if you moved beyond your current ideas of what it is or was supposed to be. This process requires courage, patience, and a willingness to step into the unknown together. It's challenging work, but it can lead to beautiful new forms of connection that honor both your history and your ability to grow and change. In this episode, we talk about: — Why reimagining is different from de-escalation or uncoupling, and how it implies continuity rather than ending — The importance of acknowledging that our imagination is our relationship in many ways — How mononormativity limits our options when relationships need to change (stay together, break up, or be miserable) — The necessity of creating a "liminal container" – a dedicated time and space for the reimagining process — Why grief work is essential before you can truly reimagine something new — The challenge of letting go of what was while maintaining connection — How repair work fits into reimagination (hint: you can't skip it!) — The importance of nervous system regulation during times of uncertainty — Why creating new, explicit agreements is crucial for your reimagined relationship — The value of celebrating when you successfully reimagine a relationship into something new — How the language of "reimagining" itself can be empowering and create possibilities Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller — Episode 152 : How to Take Intentional Relationship Breaks — Episode 172 : Grieving Change JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready t
S11 E193 · Sat, March 01, 2025
193 Beyond Good Intentions: Building True Integrity in Relationships
What does it really mean to live and love with integrity? How can we stay in integrity while navigating multiple relationships, agreements, needs, and wants that aren’t always in alignment?? The reality is that living in integrity, especially when you’re in multiple non-monogamous relationships, requires awareness, honest self-reflection, and sometimes making difficult choices. That may sound overwhelming, but this episode will help you learn how to create a solid foundation of the skills and habits you need to relate with others—and yourself—with integrity. In this episode, we talk about: — What integrity actually means — Why it's so challenging to maintain integrity when different parts of ourselves want different things — How over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships can get in the way of true integrity — Why self-agreements create the groundwork for integrity in relationships — Why shame often comes up when we realize we're out of integrity — How to work with the nervous system response that arises when we notice we're out of alignment — The importance of examining whether we actually want the agreements we're making — Practical ways to rebuild integrity when we've gotten off track — Why acknowledging when we're out of integrity is the first step back towards it — How to handle situations where we keep breaking the same agreements Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 123: Weasel Words and Creating more Intimacy in your Relationships — Episode 149: Relationship Agreements 101 JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Sat, February 22, 2025
192 [Replay] What would you do with your full power? A conversation about kink, power exchange, and everyday life with Mollena Williams-Haas
What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat with the incomparable Mollena Williams-Haas, Kink Doula, writer, performer, and podcast host. Listen to her share some of her story of power exchange and authenticity with you. Click here for the Kink Doula - Sign up for Mollena's mailing list - there's a free class available when you sign up. Click here to listen to Mollena's podcast All That and Mo (you'll be glad you did) JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Sat, February 15, 2025
191 [Replay] Turn your Toxic Attractions into Psychological Growth with Sunny Megatron
What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a**hole behavior. But what if exploring them took your personal growth journey to the next level? In this episode, we’re diving deep into why that kinky stuff is so yummy, and what you can do to leverage your toxic romanticizations into growth + fun. We’re joined by Sunny Megatron, a sex, kink, and BDSM educator and media personality, and we get into all the juicy details of how exploring taboo subjects can actually help you express yourself, explore your unconscious, form stronger boundaries, regain a sense of agency, and process past traumas. Sunny Megatron is an award-winning Sexologist, Kink & BDSM Educator, Certified Sex Educator and Relationship Coach, and media personality. If you haven’t followed her socials yet, you’re really missing out! JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Sat, February 08, 2025
190 [Replay] Shadow work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?
If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do. Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? It happens, and it means that it is time to get conscious and practical about shadow work. Want to take this further? Joli's Sexual Shadow Masterclass is a great next step. We mentioned a couple of songs in this episode, here are the links for Spotify: The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't Contain JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Sat, February 01, 2025
189 [Replay] Can my attachment style do non-monogamy?
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity. Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going to be a little (or a lot!) different when it comes to attachment. That’s why, in this episode, we break down a fresh perspective on attachment, focusing on our tendencies instead of rigid labels. We discuss the importance of context and nuance within conversations about attachment, especially when it comes to non-monogamous relationships. Plus, we talk about why there's a real need for more research in this area – and nope, it's not just because I'm a total research nerd! JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Sat, January 25, 2025
188 [Replay] Justice Jealousy
Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage . Justice jealousy is definitely one of them. Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their other partners. Ouch! The feelings that come up in these situations can be strong . So we’re here to give you strong frameworks, ideas, and tools that can help you understand, unpack, and work towards finding a resolution. (Spoiler alert, resolution might not look like what you had in mind when justice jealousy is in the picture!) In this episode, we talk about: — Why it’s important to know the difference between jealousy and envy — What underlying issues can fuel strong feelings of justice jealousy — Why it may be more helpful to focus on empathy and understanding instead of strict ideas of fairness — The complexities of relationship repair in situations of justice jealousy — Communication, forgiveness, healing, and the tools that can help you work through justice jealousy and its related issues Resources mentioned in this episode: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy by Jessica Fern Imago Dialogue: Episode 129 of Playing With Fire JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Sat, January 18, 2025
187 [Replay] Imago Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Connection
Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing! Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Not only can it transform your communication, using Imago Dialogue can transform conflict into more connection . Whether you’re practicing Imago Dialogue with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, the core idea behind it is something a lot of us have talked about before: I want to feel understood. I want you to understand me! We walk through the steps of Imago Dialogue, but we also go deeper and talk about how you can set yourself up for success. We talk about practical tools, like emotional regulation techniques, to use before and after your conversation, and we walk through an entire real-life, real-time example of using Imago Dialogue. Learn more about Dr. Harville Hendrix’s and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt’s work here: www.HarvilleAndHelen.com JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E186 · Sat, January 11, 2025
186 Polyamory in the Second Half of Adulthood with Kathy Labriola
For too long, conversations about polyamory have centered on younger people. But what happens to open relationships as we get older? Kathy Labriola, author of many groundbreaking titles including The Jealousy Workbook , joins us to explain why age doesn’t have to mean the end of polyamory. In fact, non-monogamy can actually become more valuable as we age. It is so important for our community to have access to non-monogamous representation and stories. As someone who has been a polyamorist for 50 years, Kathy is a wealth of knowledge, inspiration, and stories. In this episode, we talk about: — Why polyamory can be an especially resilient model for aging — How having multiple partners can provide emotional and practical support in later years — The unique perspective of poly elders who've been practicing consensual non-monogamy for decades — Why some people discover and embrace polyamory later in life — Common concerns for older folks exploring non-monogamy (like family reactions and healthcare) — The evolution of resources and support for the polyam community — How relationship needs and desires naturally shift with age — Why traditional models of coupling may become less appealing in later years — The wisdom poly elders have gained from decades of experience — Ways that disability and changing abilities impact relationships — The importance of having multiple support systems as we age Resources mentioned in this episode: — Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola — Kathy Labriola's website — Kathy’s other books including The Polyamory Breakup Book, Love in Abundance, and The Jealousy Workbook JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here <
S10 E185 · Sat, January 04, 2025
185 Conscious Uncoupling
Navigating the endings of relationships doesn't have to be a disaster. When it comes to consciously uncoupling, it’s about so much more than “breaking up nicely.” We want to help you reimagine what’s possible, honor what was, and create space for what comes next, even when it feels incredibly challenging. In this episode, we talk about: — Why conscious uncoupling requires specific ingredients, including time, willingness to grieve, and self-awareness — The importance of creating rituals to mark relationship transitions and help process grief — How the legal system's adversarial nature can complicate conscious uncoupling efforts — The challenge of letting go of the desire for apologies or accountability from former partners — Why gentleness needs to be balanced with honesty and clear boundaries — The value of making "meta-agreements" about how you'll make future agreements, especially with co-parents — How to handle ambiguous grief when the person is still present in your life — The importance of having the right support system that won't fuel adversarial dynamics — Why creating closure might look different than you initially imagined — The balance between showing grace to yourself and your partner while maintaining healthy boundaries Resources mentioned in this episode: — Soul Broken : A Guidebook for Your Journey through Ambiguous Grief — Learn more about Imago Dialogue JOIN The Year Of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E184 · Sat, December 28, 2024
184 Q&A Quickie: Why get married?
If you’re polyamorous… what’s the point of getting married?? We get this question a lot. And although we are married, we also have a ton of mixed feelings about marriage. Marriage is way more complex than just saying “I do,” and we want to help you sort through those complexities so that you can decide whether or not to get (or stay) married with consciousness and integrity. In this episode, we talk about: — The different components of marriage: legal, social, spiritual, and romantic — Why the legal privileges of marriage matter (even if we wish they didn't) — How marriage can serve as a container for intentional relationship development — The importance of understanding your personal "why" for getting married — Why wedding vows are just the beginning of ongoing relationship agreements — The value of regular relationship renegotiation within marriage — How marriage intersects with non-monogamy and polyamory — Why some choose marriage for practical benefits while others seek social recognition — The role of ritual and ceremony in creating shared meaning — Why "being someone's person" is a common motivation for marriage Resources mentioned in this episode: — Heath Schechinger's work on legal protections for non-traditional relationships JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E183 · Sat, December 21, 2024
183 Pelvic and Sexual Health for Every Body with Dr. Ariana Cesare
Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s normal. You do NOT have to accept pain, discomfort, and limitations when it comes to sex, pregnancy, and childbirth as “just the way things are.” Dr. Ariana Cesare, a pelvic and obstetric physical therapist, is joining us on this episode of Playing With Fire to bust that myth, and many others, when it comes to pain and pleasure. This conversation is for every body, including men, trans people, and people with disabilities (pregnancy affects 100% of the population—we were all born, and some of us will give birth too!). In this episode, we talk about: — Why pelvic floor physical therapy is critically important (and criminally underutilized) during pregnancy and postpartum — The truth about pain during sex - and why it's never something you just have to accept — How to prepare your body for birth (hint: it's like training for any other athletic event!) — The role of pelvic floor muscles in everything from pleasure to incontinence — Why tampons, speculums, and medical exams should not be painful — Game-changing tools like dilators and Ohnuts thats make penetrative sex more comfortable — How to talk to partners about adjustments during sex — Why pelvic health matters for everyone - including men, trans people, and people with disabilities — The importance of addressing both physical and psychological aspects of pelvic pain Resources mentioned in this episode: — Book a FREE consultation with Dr. Cesare — Follow Dr. Caesare on Instagram @kegels_and_kettlebells — Follow her on TikTok @DrCesare — Slippery Stuff lubricant for sensitive skin JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of
S10 E182 · Sat, December 14, 2024
182 Q&A Quickie: What should I do when my partner wants gender-based rules in non-monogamy?
Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our attention. Restrictions like "one penis policies" typically stem from unexamined jealousy, fears of competition, and internalized biases. The desire for these kinds of rules often comes from very real places of emotional distress. But instead of using band-aids, we want you to address the root causes of these issues, so that you can create authentic, strong connections that aren’t held back by biases and societal programming. In this episode, we talk about: — Why gender-based dating rules are problematic and what they really represent— How jealousy masquerades as "preference" or "boundaries" in gender-based rules— The role of internalized biphobia and homophobia in creating these restrictions— Why competition fears feel different with different genders (and what that reveals)— The importance of examining where our feelings about gender-based rules originate— How cultural programming influences our comfort levels with different gender expressions— Why agreements based on gender restrictions rarely serve either partner— The connection between bisexual erasure and gender-based relationship rules— Practical steps for working through the jealousy beneath gender-based restrictions— How to move from rigid rules to authentic agreements that serve everyone Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Jealousy Roadmap - A free 20-page ebook for working through relationship jealousy — Joli’s dissertation: "Triangular Trouble" — Playing With Fire Episode 170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic — Playing With Fire Episode 151 Justice Jealousy — Playing with Fire Episode 127 Comperstruggle: When Jealousy & Compersion Collide with Dr. Marie Thouin JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at <a href="http://www.joliquiz.com/" target="_blank" rel="ugc noopener norefer
S10 E181 · Sat, December 07, 2024
181 Q&A Quickie: Privacy vs. Transparency—How do I feel safer?
Navigating privacy and transparency in relationships can feel like walking a tightrope—especially when you and your partners have different comfort levels with information sharing. If you've ever felt frustrated by how much (or how little) your partner shares, you're not alone! The good news? There's no "right" amount of transparency or privacy. What matters is finding agreements that work for you and your partners while maintaining everyone's sense of safety. This episode dives deep into how to handle those tricky conversations with intention and integrity. In this episode, we talk about: — The crucial difference between privacy and secrecy (hint: it's about impact!) — Why safety is at the core of our transparency/privacy needs — How to identify your own comfort levels with information sharing — The role of trust-building in navigating transparency — The nervous system’s safety needs and strategies — Why consistent relationship check-ins are essential for maintaining a healthy flow of information — The importance of having explicit agreements about information sharing — How to create repair plans for when agreements aren't met — Why moral judgments about privacy vs. transparency can block intimacy — Different domains of transparency (emotional, sexual, scheduling, etc.) — The value of examining patterns rather than isolated incidents — How to handle situations where partners have very different needs around disclosure — Why the timing of disclosure matters as much as content Resources mentioned in this episode: — Playing With Fire Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101 — Playing With Fire Episode 123 Weasel Words and Creating More Intimacy in Your Relationships — Playing With Fire Episode 71 Doing what you said you’d do: When accountability works and when it doesn’t JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! <a href="https://www.jolihamilto
S10 E180 · Sat, November 30, 2024
180 Hyper-Individualism vs Healthy Autonomy: Am I The A**hole?
How do you tell the difference between being selfish and practicing healthy autonomy? You probably won’t be surprised to hear that it’s complicated! The line between hyper-individualism and differentiation isn’t just blurry; it’s usually impossible to judge any action one way or the other without a loooot of context (and maybe even hindsight!). To unpack this question, we have to dig deep into the culture of American exceptionalism, principles of ecology and community, and depth psychology’s lenses of duality and multiplicity. In this episode, we talk about: — The hyper-individualism and enmeshment spectrum, and the “bounce-back” phenomenon — How to answer the “Am I The Asshole” question — How America’s culture of individualism and exceptionalism impacts our relationships — The challenges of balancing individual needs with community responsibilities — Why context is crucial when evaluating "selfish" behavior — How our personal histories shape our tendencies toward individualism or enmeshment — The role of imagination in creating healthier relationship dynamics — Why it's often impossible to judge a single action as selfish or autonomous — How the stories we tell ourselves impact our perceptions of others' behavior — The value of holding multiple perspectives when interpreting situations — Practical strategies for moving from victim mentality to empowered creator — The potential benefits of re-parenting work for those struggling with hyper-individualism Resources mentioned in this episode: — Playing With Fire Episode 142 Enmeshment: Are you over-functioning in your relationship? — Playing With Fire Episode 108 with Mollena Williams-Haas — Book mention: "Selfish" by Nakita Thigpen JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by <a href="https://app.sessions
S10 E179 · Sat, November 23, 2024
179 One Kid’s Reflection on Being Raised by Polyamorous Parents
One of the most common concerns we hear about non-monogamous relationships is “but what about the kids?!?” We have a lot to say in response… but in this special episode, you get to hear it from one of our kids instead! Moi offers a candid glimpse into his experience of being raised by polyamorous parents and shares his perspective on what it’s like to navigate a world where polyamory is rarely represented. He also talks about his journey with queerness and transness, and how our family’s values created space for that exploration. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation about the impact of family dynamics on identity, and why it’s important for parents—non-monogamous or otherwise—to create spaces where kids can discover themselves without fear or shame. In this episode, we talk about: — Moi's experience growing up with non-monogamous parents and how it shaped his views — The importance of open communication about relationships and sexuality within families while maintaining appropriate boundaries — How being exposed to different relationship structures allowed Moi to better understand his own monogamous identity — The challenges of explaining non-traditional family structures to others — The lack of representation of polyamorous families in media and how that impacts children's understanding — Why Moi appreciates that we've been open about our non-monogamy rather than hiding it — The value of letting kids discover their own identities without pressure to label themselves Resources mentioned in this episode: — Joli's TED Talk on jealousy Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E178 · Sat, November 16, 2024
178 The One to Share with Your Concerned Family Members
Are you struggling to talk to your friends and family about your non-monogamous identity? Whether you’re unsure how to start the conversation or you’ve tried before and it didn’t go so well, we’re here to help. This episode is a quick and easy resource to share directly with your loved ones. It addresses some common concerns and misconceptions about non-monogamy and shares tips for having more supportive and meaningful conversations. In this episode, we talk about: — Why non-monogamy isn't "better" or "more evolved" than monogamy — Common concerns about non-monogamy and how to address them — The importance of defining what a "successful" relationship means to you and your loved ones — Why the kids are alright–research on children in non-monogamous families — The core principles of ethical non-monogamy: consent, personal responsibility, and resilience — Why non-monogamous relationship skills can benefit all types of relationships — Common misconceptions about non-monogamy (it's not all about sex!) — How to have supportive conversations with your non-monogamous loved ones Resources mentioned in this episode: — Elizabeth Sheff's longitudinal studies on polyamorous families — Emily Nagoski's work on desire and sexuality Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here: www.jolihamilton.com/ama JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E177 · Sat, November 09, 2024
177 Shadow Dance: Navigating Projections in Relationships
The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships! That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings. The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and disowned. And these aren’t always deep, dark shadowy parts—they can also be positive traits like creativity or intelligence. In this episode, we explore what projection is, how it shows up in relationships, and why reclaiming these “shadow” parts is essential for personal growth. Tune in to learn how working through projections can deepen your connections and help you see yourself—and your partners—in a whole new light. We’re breaking down: — What psychological projection is and how it operates in our subconscious minds — The role of projection in falling in love, limerence, and new relationship energy — How projection can interfere with seeing our partners as sacred, autonomous beings — The stages of becoming aware of and working through projections — Why reclaiming projected qualities is essential for personal growth — How projection relates to childhood wounds and unresolved issues from the past — The dangers of over-identifying with negative projections or shadow qualities — Practical strategies for recognizing and working with projections in relationships — The value of patience and compassion when addressing projections with a partner Resources mentioned in this episode: — Carl Jung's Collected Works (This is the Wikipedia page, to give you an idea of what the CW contains. If you’re looking for a good place to begin reading Jung’s work, Joli suggests Memories, Dreams, Reflections ) — PWF Episode 164 : I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method) JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at <a href="http://w
S10 E176 · Sat, November 02, 2024
176 Dismantling Defensiveness
Defensiveness feels like a good way to protect yourself from harm in relationships, but it’s usually more effective at closing yourself off from personal growth, peace, connection, intimacy, multiplicity… and a lot of other wonderful parts of relating. Getting defensive is an unconscious strategy, a deeply ingrained response. Curbing it can feel like herding cats. Tomorrow, we’re helping you find the roots of your defensiveness and we’re sharing practical tools to help you identify and dismantle those sticky patterns so you can connect without defending and still feel safe. Letting go of the need to be right isn’t just about winning fewer fights; it’s about transforming how you show up in your relationships. When you allow room for multiple truths, you open the door to deeper empathy and connection in all areas of your life. In this episode, we talk about: — What defensiveness is and how it manifests in relationships — The connection between defensiveness and ego protection — How childhood experiences can shape our defensive patterns — The impact of defensiveness on creativity and personal growth — Practical techniques for recognizing and reducing defensive reactions — The importance of self-awareness in combating defensiveness — How to use questions instead of statements to foster understanding — The value of assuming goodwill in conversations with partners — Strategies for contextualizing issues and avoiding over-explanation — The role of shadow work and self-acceptance in reducing defensiveness Resources mentioned in this episode: — Luis Mojica's work on tolerating peace — Gay Hendricks' book The Big Leap — Andrew Leeds' on positive affect tolerance — Neurosomatic Intelligence (NSI) training — PWF Episode 164 on shadow work and Existential Kink JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at <a href="http://www.joliquiz.com/" target="_bla
S10 E175 · Sat, October 26, 2024
175 Coming Out as Non-Monogamous: Risks, Rewards, & How To Get Ready
Coming out as non-monogamous can bring its own set of challenges and concerns, especially if you also hold other marginalized identities. And maintaining the social appearance of monogamy can come at a cost. In this episode, we’re exploring the risks and rewards of sharing your non-monogamous identity. And, if you do want to come out to the people in your life, we’re breaking down some key steps you can take to get ready for whatever reactions may come your way. We’re breaking down: — Why coming out conversations can be important for authenticity and relationship health — The different "circles" of people you might consider coming out to (family, friends, work, etc.) — How geographical location and social context can impact coming out experiences — The importance of considering and discussing your partners' comfort levels and boundaries — Practical tips for planning and executing coming out conversations — Why it's okay to not have all the answers when you're first exploring non-monogamy — How to handle potentially invasive questions — Addressing the potential turn-on of secrecy in non-monogamous relationships — The value of celebrating your authentic self when coming out Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 89 of Playing with Fire : Learning the taxonomy of non-monogamy — Laura Boyle's book Monogamy, in This Economy? — The work of Sunny Megatron , Midori , and Mollena Williams-Haas JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by <a href="https://app.sessions.blue/browse/track
S10 E174 · Sat, October 19, 2024
174 Social Monogamy: The Impact of Maintaining Your Mono-Image
It’s totally normal and understandable to want privacy around your relationships. Especially in a culture that can be less than understanding towards non-monogamous people. And , maintaining the social appearance of monogamy (AKA social monogamy), can come at a cost. For some people, maintaining social monogamy can lead to feelings of disconnection and inauthenticity. You can also get into some messy territory around consent and secrecy with your partners, especially if you have different privacy preferences. We’re not here to tell you how to live your life. We are here to help you navigate these tricky issues, and to help prepare you for the possibility of coming out as non-monogamous in the future. In this episode, we talk about: — The concept of default monogamy and how it shapes societal expectations — The differences between social monogamy, compulsory monogamy, and non-monogamy — The challenges of maintaining social monogamy while practicing non-monogamy — The potential impact of secrecy on relationships and personal well-being — Why it's important to have conversations about relationship visibility early on — How maintaining social monogamy can reinforce mono-normative structures — The complexities of coming out as non-monogamous, especially when children are involved — Why it's crucial to revisit decisions about relationship visibility periodically — The reality of discrimination against non-monogamous individuals and relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Angela Willey's academic papers on compulsory monogamy — Elizabeth Emmons' legal paper on monogamy assumptions — Emily Nagoski's work on desire and relationships JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance
S10 E172 · Sat, October 12, 2024
173 Getting off the Relationship Escalator (Or Choosing Not To)
Dating → becoming exclusive → moving in together → getting married → having kids. This is the assumed trajectory that all relationships will take. If you’ve already started exploring non-monogamy, you have some experience with breaking the mold. But even in non-monogamous relationships , it’s common to find yourself slipping back into the relationship escalator framework. This path is so ingrained, it’s easy to feel pressure, both internal and external, to fit your life into its rigid set of steps. We’ve been there, and we continue to work every day to question our own assumptions and tendencies. In this episode, we’re helping you reimagine relationships and relationship security beyond the confines of the relationship escalator. In this episode, we talk about: — What the relationship escalator is and how it shapes our expectations — Different types of escalators beyond just romantic relationships — Why getting off the escalator can be psychologically challenging — How to question relationship norms and make space for alternatives — The importance of building security outside of traditional relationship structures — Practical ways to shift language and interactions to be more inclusive Resources mentioned in this episode: — Amy Gahran's book Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator — Dr. Bella DePaulo’ book Single at Heart JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E172 · Sat, October 05, 2024
172 Grieving Change: A Crucial Relationship Skill
We do so much grieving in our lifetimes. And not just about the deaths of loved ones—every time there is a change in our lives, we lose an old version of something. That loss can bring up big feelings, and channeling those feelings into an intentional, conscious process of grieving can be hugely beneficial for your life and your relationships. Grieving relational change is a skill, and we made this episode to help you start building that skill, and to explore the complex web of emotions that come up when relationships evolve. In this episode, we talk about: — Expanding our understanding of grief beyond just death and loss — The difference between grieving and mourning — Why even positive changes can bring up feelings of grief — Real, imagined, conscious, and subconscious relationship futures — How to grieve the "imagined future" when relationships shift — The importance of acknowledging and processing grief during relationship transitions — Different methods of mourning, including rituals and symbolic action — Why avoiding grief work can keep us stuck and slow personal growth — How to approach grieving as a rite of passage — The value of community support when processing relationship changes JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E171 · Sat, September 28, 2024
171 Why Self-Agreements Will Make or Break Your Relationships
If you have a hard time keeping relationship agreements, you probably also have a hard time keeping the agreements you make with yourself . If that’s you, or if you’ve never even tried to make self-agreements, you have to listen to this episode. This process shouldn’t feel like a punishment—I want you to make agreements with yourself that you actually want to uphold. And that’s not always a straightforward process. If you’re struggling, you’re so not alone. This isn’t entry-level work—it requires real skill-building, and we’re breaking down that learning process so you can start fostering integrity and consent with yourself. In this episode, we talk about: — Why some people struggle to stick to the agreements they've made — How past relationship experiences and attachment styles influence our approaches to agreements — The role of unconscious factors in undermining our commitments — Why self-agreement keeping is the first step to keeping agreements with other people — The benefits that come with not naturally being good at upholding agreements — Balancing flexibility with reliability in relationships — How to create effective response plans for when agreements aren't met — The importance of written agreements and reminders — Why punitive consequences often backfire, and how to use educative repercussions instead — Practical tools for improving agreement-making and follow-through Resources mentioned in this episode: — Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies Quiz — PWF Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101 — PWF Episode 150 Asymmetric Agreements JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt
S10 E170 · Sat, September 21, 2024
170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic
“Jealousy is just insecurity, so if you become more secure in yourself, you won't feel jealous anymore.” Ever heard that one before? We have, and we don’t agree. One of the reasons I love thinking about, talking about, and doing academic research on jealousy is that jealousy contains multitudes . Insecurity and attachment issues are just one of its many facets. People tend to over-simplify jealousy because it can feel like a loaded word. Jealousy can get all mixed up with fear, shame, guilt, attachment challenges, and a bunch of other tricky, tender stuff. We made this episode to help you untangle those feelings and frameworks without pathologizing or boxing in your emotions and experiences. On this episode, we’re talking about: — The complex and multiple nature of jealousy — How attachment and jealousy are related — Why jealousy is not a bad word, and why it’s actually one of our favorite things to talk about — Strategies for dealing with jealousy — Using nervous system regulation tools to help you move through experiences of jealousy — The importance of giving yourself permission to try new strategies, even if they might not work perfectly — How to disrupt habitual patterns and reactions to jealousy to achieve different outcomes in your life and your relationships — The power of patience and self-compassion when you are struggling with jealousy — How to create a jealousy rescue plan Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Jealousy Roadmap & The Jealousy Resource Center JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E149 · Sat, September 14, 2024
169 Q&A Quickie: Why am I having such a hard time sticking to my agreements?
Relationship agreements are awesome. They can take you from a place of ambiguity and assumptions to a place of clarity and transparency. But what happens when the hardest part of relationship agreements is… actually… fulfilling them?? It can leave you feeling defeated and sh*tty. If you relate to that feeling, this episode is for you. There might be some tender spots, shadowy patterns, or subconscious desires hiding beneath the surface, and we’re going to help you unearth them. We’re also going to walk you through some crucial steps in the process of accountability and repair with your partner(s). In this episode, we’re talking about: — Ken’s struggles with keeping relationship agreements around timing and logistics — The importance of accountability after agreements have been broken — Determining whether or not a relationship is safe and in alignment with your needs after agreements are broken — Making agreements based on your values, and the difference between aspirational values and lived values — The power of nervous system regulation during the agreement-making and repair processes — How shadow work connects to struggles with relationship agreements — Awareness vs acceptance of patterns — The subconscious narratives that can underlie weaponized incompetence — Why differentiation is vital to the agreement-making and -keeping processes — Why this predicament can be strong material for your individuation journey — The power of iterative agreements instead of fixed ones Resources mentioned in this episode: — PWF Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101 JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E168 · Sat, September 07, 2024
168 Ethics, Responsibility, and the Changing Landscape of Non-Monogamy with Eve Rickert and Andrea Zanin
Eve and Andrea created a book that I wish I had 15 years ago when I was making the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy. And I don’t say that lightly (if you know me, you know I have a LOT of polyamory books on my bookshelves). The new edition of More Than Two is a testament to Eve and Andrea’s thoughtfulness and integrity as writers. They incorporated their evolving perspectives on ethics, relationships, and the world into their book, and the result is magical. They cover the stuff that many authors shy away from in the non-monogamy space. Power, abuse, ethics, responsibility—even though these subjects can be loaded, they deserve ample attention, and we’re covering it all in this PWF episode. In this episode, we’re breaking down: — Why they decided to create a new edition “More Than Two” — What’s covered in Andrea’s new book “Post Non-Monogamy and Beyond” — The concept of “post-non-monogamy” and the fluidity of relational experiences —Responsibility, ethics, and intersectionality in the non-monogamous community — The complexities of ethical frameworks in non-monogamous relationships — The challenges that come with negotiating attachment and boundaries — Eve and Andrea’s take on abuse in the conscious-relating sphere — The importance of self-awareness in maintaining ethical relationships — The broader societal and political context of the world and how it has influenced our approaches to non-monogamy — Thorn Apple Press, Eve’s publishing company, and its mission to elevate diverse voices in the non-monogamy community Resources mentioned in this episode: — More Than Two (second edition): Cultivating Nonmonogamous Relationships with Kindness and Integrity , by Eve Rickert with Andrea Zanin, out September 2024 — Post Non-Monogamy and Beyond by Andrea Zanin — Thorn Apple Press — Andrea Zanin's Twitter — Eve Rickert’s website and blog JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E194 · Sat, August 31, 2024
167 Unfuck Your Monomind, Part 2
Confession: We have not solved our mono-minds. The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so even though we’ve done decades of deep work to break out of those default frameworks and process our internalized polyphobia, we aren’t immune to the trappings of the mono-mind. Just like many of the other life-changing processes that come with opening up intentionally and successfully (think individuation and differentiation), there is no end point to unpacking your mono-mind. It’s a life-long process, and we love to talk about it! Our last episode on unf*cking your mono-mind is one of our top 10 most popular episodes, so we have a hunch that this may be coming up for you too… which is why we’re going even deeper in this part 2 episode. In this episode, we’re breaking down: — The concept of the mono-mind and how it influences our assumptions and perspectives on life and relationships — Internalized polyphobia and why the default beliefs of a monogamous society can run so deep in our psyches — How to recognize monogamous biases in our thoughts, language, and behaviors — The importance of questioning what defines romance and intimacy while unpacking your mono-mindset — Why looking at how you view friendships can be a powerful way to unpack your monogamous lenses — The slippery nature of monogamous norms — How the mono-mind can impact experiences of jealousy and boundaries in your relationships — Why the process of unf*cking your mono-mind never has a clear end point (and why that’s not a bad thing) — The value of community support and resources for unpacking monogamous conditioning — Practical steps you can take to increase your awareness of mono-centric assumptions and tendencies Resources mentioned in this episode: — The book Polywise by Jessica Fern and David Cooley — Playing With Fire Episode 94 Romantic Friendships: Subversive & Awesome JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E166 · Sat, August 24, 2024
166 Q&A Quickie: How do I deal with my anxiety when my partner is on a date?
Scenario: your anchor partner is on a date with someone else. You know they have a super hot connection, and sex is definitely on the table. You’re excited for them… but once they leave, and the time starts ticking by, all sorts of feelings are coming up. Your anxiety is building… and you don’t know how to deal with it. We get asked about this scenario a lot, because it can be SO challenging. Good news—we’ve been there, we’ve learned a lot about our own do’s and don’ts, and we know how to help you find strategies that will work for you. And that’s exactly what we’re doing in this mini-episode! We’re breaking down: — How to effectively use trial and error and pattern detection in these situations —Why jealousy is often just beneath the surface of this anxiety — How to use resourcing and nervous system regulation while your partner is on a date — Why parting and reentering are important opportunities for connecting with your anchor/nesting partner(s) — Our experiences in these situations and the strategies that do and don’t work for us — How to use The Jealousy Roadmap to work through your anxiety — The importance of reconnecting before debriefing — How you can actually gain wisdom from your jealousy and build intimacy with yourself and your partners Resources mentioned in this episode: — Minimum Viable Agreements, discussed in Episode 149 Relationship Agreements 101 — The Jealousy Roadmap JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S10 E201 · Sat, August 17, 2024
165 Monogamy, In This Economy? with Laura Boyle
Money, parenting, sharing space, schedules, rental agreements… these may not be the sexiest and most exciting aspects of non-monogamy, but they are important. In fact, they’re common stumbling blocks, and can cause big relationship issues when left unaddressed for long periods of time. Here’s the problem: we rarely get to hear about how other polyamorous people are handling the practical details of their lives. That’s exactly what our guest today, author and coach Laura Boyle, is out to solve. Her new book, Monogamy? In this Economy? Finances, Childrearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory, is based on a survey of nearly 500 polyamorous households and is chock full of the real-life experiences of families with more than two adults. In this episode, we’re talking about: — The most common size of polyamorous households (hint: it's not what you might expect!) — Creative solutions for managing space constraints in shared living situations — The importance of open communication about seemingly minor issues before they become major problems — How to navigate the complexities of blending families and introducing new partners to children — Practical considerations around finances, particularly regarding vacations and large gifts for non-nesting partners — The parallels between polyamorous family dynamics and other "non-traditional" family structures like blended families — Why it's crucial to discuss reproductive health and pregnancy scenarios early in relationships — Our own experiences with solving these issues — How relationship anarchy principles can benefit both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships — Addressing jealousy in multi-adult households without overemphasizing or ignoring it Resources mentioned in this episode: — Laura Boyle's new book: Monogamy in This Economy: Finances, Child Rearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory — Pre-order Laura’s book — Laura's website: ReadyForPolyamory.com — Follow Laura on Instagram and TikTok: @ReadyforPolyamory JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by <a href="https://app.sessions.blue/browse/trac
S9 E143 · Sat, August 10, 2024
164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)
A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on what we can change in our lives. Take responsibility and make the changes needed. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. There are those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control . All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us. These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an asshole. There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process. In this episode, we’re breaking down: — What the shadow is — What it means to do shadow work — How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow — Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves — Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections — How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships — Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an asshole) — The theory behind and process of Existential Kink — The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological work Resources mentioned in this episode: — My Individuation Alchemy program — Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs — Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings Wheel JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode <a href="https://www.jolihamilton.com/blog/embracing-your-shadow-a-guide-to-existential
S9 E163 · Sat, August 03, 2024
163 Playfulness, Vulnerability, and Parenting with Abbey & Liam from Evolving Love
Abbey and Liam approach building conscious relationships in a way that’s refreshing, pragmatic, playful, and authentic, all at once. Their work focuses on creating space for open, real conversations about non-monogamy, and they’re really good at it!! In this episode, Abbey and Liam share a lot about their journeys, including their gradual, relaxed approach to coming out as non-monogamous, how they prioritize parenting, and how they navigate challenges like jealousy, boundaries, commitment, and communication. In this episode, we talk about: — How Abby and Liam gradually came out as non-monogamous to friends and family — Their experiences balancing non-monogamy and parenting a young child — The importance of age-appropriate conversations about relationships with kids — How non-monogamy has enhanced their connection as a couple — Navigating jealousy, including Liam's "motorbike rule" — The role of humor and levity in addressing relationship challenges — How non-monogamy connects to mortality and living life fully — The value of open communication in relationships — Unpacking safety concerns vs. attachment fears in setting boundaries Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Evolving Love Project podcast — The Evolving Love Project Substack — Abbey's upcoming women's retreat in May 2024 JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E162 · Sat, July 27, 2024
162 Non-Monogamy & Community: Real Stories from YOO
Opening up isn’t just about f*cking around and finding out. Done thoughtfully, it’s an experience of opening up yourself. It winds up being a journey of learning what you truly need and want and how to collaborate to create relationships that truly fit. The Year of Opening is POWERFUL. I’ve seen people transform themselves and their lives in this program, over and over. In this special PWF episode, we sit down with five past participants to hear about what brought them to The Year of Opening, the challenges they faced in their opening journeys, and the transformations they underwent along the way. We created The Year of Opening to give people access to researched-backed tools, professional support, and a community of people who just get it, all in one place. Hear all about it from these amazing, brave YOO graduates, who get vulnerable in this episode to give you a peek into what it’s like to join this community. If you’re looking for support on your opening journey, but you have some questions about the best way to get it, this episode is for you! Our graduates share: — What inspired them to find support — What it was like being in a group and talking about vulnerable stuff — The tools and concepts that stuck with them — How the work is continuing to benefit their lives — The unexpected personal growth that came from working on their relationships — The importance of community support while exploring non-monogamy JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.theyearofopening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E161 · Sat, July 20, 2024
161 Adopting a Polyamorous Lens with Alex Alberto, Author of Entwined
When we read Entwined, Alex Alberto’s genre-blending memoir, we felt seen, understood, and represented on a whole new level. We knew right away that we wanted Alex to join us on Playing With Fire—and this week’s episode is even better than we could have imagined!! Alex’s ground-breaking collection of essays covers beautiful and difficult parts of polyamory that are rarely discussed in story-telling formats. They show us how intense and transformative metamour relationships can be, and they bring us stories of sex and love that go beyond the romp-in-the-hay format. Whether you're polyamorous, monogamous, or somewhere in between, this conversation will expand your understanding of what's possible in relationships. In this episode, we discuss: — Alex’s journey to non-monogamy — How polyamory can be a path to self-discovery and personal growth — The value of intentionality in relationships, regardless of structure — How non-monogamy can expand our capacity for joy and connection — Appreciating the day-to-day realities of non-monogamous relationships, even the challenging parts — The beauty and importance of metamour relationships in polyamorous dynamics — The power of storytelling in normalizing and validating non-traditional relationships — The need for diverse representation in polyamory media — Parenting, co-parenting, and navigating the societal pressures of raising a child in a non-monogamous family dynamic — Embracing change and transitions in long-term partnerships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Alex's book, Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home — Alex's website — Alex's Instagram and TikTok: @thatalexalberto — The upcoming magazine Entwined Mag Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E160 · Sat, July 13, 2024
160 Getting Your Needs Met
Opening up your relationship does not automatically lead to you getting more of your needs met. Monogamy or not, identifying and communicating your needs, wants, and likes can be really challenging!! It’s also crucial to building fulfilling relationships, which is exactly why we created this episode. Like most aspects of relating, individuating, differentiating, and all the wonderful things we like to talk about on Playing With Fire, identifying and communicating your needs is a skill that you can practice and build. Listen on to learn about: — The difference between needs, wants, and likes in relationships — Why identifying and communicating your needs can be so challenging — The importance of developing a rich vocabulary to describe your experiences and desires — How shame and trauma can impact our ability to express ourselves in relationships — The role of negotiation and consent in getting needs met — Who is responsible for meeting whose needs — Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and communication — The challenges of balancing individual needs with relationship dynamics, especially in non-monogamous contexts — How to identify your own manipulative and people-pleasing tendencies, and why those strategies can be harmful for everyone in the long run Resources mentioned in this episode: — David Cooley's writing and coaching — Dan Shipper's article on developing sensory vocabulary — The "Yes, No, Maybe" list for exploring sexual preferences ( kinkier version here ) Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E159 · Sat, July 06, 2024
159 Q&A Quickie: How can I handle my resentment that my partner isn’t into what I want?
Resentment is one of those emotions that can be truly destructive in relationships. It can turn into contempt, and even acrimony… which is why we want to help you address these feelings early and thoroughly. Whether you're in the middle of a big, longstanding resentment issue, or if you’re just starting to feel a little bit bubble up in your relationship, this mini-episode is a must-listen. This week, we’re breaking down: — The difference between incompatible wants vs. incompatible relationship structures — How entitlement and sexual shame can fuel resentment — The importance of clearly communicating needs and desires to your partner — Why regular relationship check-ins are crucial for preventing resentment buildup — How to create a relationship culture that welcomes difficult conversations — The role of gratitude in counterbalancing resentment — When and how to find a qualified therapist or coach who is a good match for your relationship goals and values — Why compromise doesn't mean compromising your core self Resources mentioned in this episode: —AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists): www.aasect.org Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E158 · Sat, June 29, 2024
158 Desire Discrepancy: What to Do When Your Wants Don’t Align
Ever been in a relationship where one of you wanted a lot more sex than the other? Us too! It can be challenging to navigate, especially when you throw in stigma, trauma, sexual shame, and all the other obstacles that can make conversations about sex and desire tricky and painful. We have good news: There’s a lot you can do to address these issues! In fact, we find that when we do a little digging with our clients, many of those who struggle with desire discrepancy have barely talked about the issue… at all . This week, we’re unpacking why that is and what you can do about it, and we’re sharing some powerful resources to help you along the way. In this episode, we talk about: — Why conversations about desire discrepancies can be so challenging — Destigmatizing the topic of desire mismatches through open conversation — Why there is no such thing as the “normal” amount or type of sex — The importance of understanding your own desires first — Why even small differences in desire can start to feel like a problem — Why getting really clear and specific about desires and past patterns is the key to improving these conversations — The importance of consent in relationships with desire mismatches — How we often project inner conflicts about sex and pleasure onto our partners — Reimagining relationship norms and structures rather than assuming fixed rules — The complexity and ongoing nature of unpacking unconscious assumptions around sexuality within relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Emily Nagoski's books "Come As You Are" and "Come Together" — Emily Nagoski's TED talks and podcast episodes Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E157 · Sat, June 22, 2024
157 What Is Compersion? with Author Marie Thouin
We talk about compersion a lot (duh, it’s awesome!!). But compersion is more than an emotion, and it’s more than the opposite of jealousy. Luckily, Marie Thouin (one of our podcast BFFs) returns to PWF to discuss her new book, What Is Compersion?, which dives into the complexities of compersion as a value system that does not have to be restricted to romantic relationships. In fact, we all have benefitted greatly from expanding the way that we understand and practice compersion to our platonic and professional relationships! If compersion hasn’t clicked for you in the past, if you struggle with feelings of jealousy in your platonic, romantic, or professional relationships, or if you just want to nerd out with us about compersion, you don’t wanna skip this one! We draw on our personal experiences, academic research, and insights from coaching hundreds of people in the non-monogamy community. In this episode, we talk about: — Why compersion is more than just an emotion — Compersion as a value vs. compersion as an escape — Compersion myths, including the misconception that it can eliminate jealousy entirely — The power of applying the concept of compersion to non-romantic relationships, and how that can be a huge opportunity for personal growth — Compersion vs. jealousy vs. envy — Addressing personal challenges in feeling compersion, particularly in friendships, and overcoming envy and competitiveness — Discussing practical ways to cultivate compersion in daily life and relationships — Why compersion doesn’t mean the absence of jealousy, as emotions are fluid and contextual — Integrating academic research, coaching, and personal experience to better understand and teach compersion Resources mentioned in this episode: — Marie Thouin's new book "What is Compersion" is available for pre-order! — Check out Marie’s website whatiscompersion.com for information about her research, blogs, and a list of resources on compersion — Follow Marie’s Instagram account @loveinsightdating — Book a FREE 30-minute introductory coaching call with Marie Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relation
S9 E156 · Sat, June 15, 2024
156 Betrayal Trauma & Non-Monogamy
This episode is about betrayal. I know, super fun subject, but don’t click away!! Betrayal can touch on some of our deepest insecurities. But in my experience, the fear of betrayal can be more painful and damaging than betrayal itself. That’s one of the reasons why it’s important to face betrayal head-on, and to be honest with yourself about how your history with betrayal may be impacting your current relationships with your partner(s) and yourself. This can be a confusing subject, especially for those of us who are still unpacking that default ‘mono-mindset’ (aren’t we all?). When we transition from monogamy to non-monogamy our paradigms of safety, trust, and betrayal totally change. This can leave people feeling really lost. But that’s what this episode is for ;) In this episode, we walk you through: — The idea of exclusivity in romantic, emotional, and sexual attention as a safeguard against betrayal — Cultural expectations and norms around monogamy and how they influence our perceptions of betrayal — Why making the shift from monogamy to non-monogamy is so challenging when it comes to betrayal — How you can reconceptualize betrayal in the context of non-monogamy — How personal experiences of betrayal shape people's views and approaches to relationships (often without them realizing it) — The impact of betrayal witnessed in childhood, such as watching parents betray each other — How the fear of betrayal can make people close themselves off, and why those emotional walls can hinder the development of deep and meaningful connections — The profound effects of self-betrayal and the importance of self-trust — The importance of clear communication and well-defined boundaries — How to build repair plans into your relationship agreements, and why they’re so important — Strategies for managing emotions and relationships after trust has been violated Resources mentioned in this episode: — Listen to examples of the Imago Dialogue conversation technique here Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by <a href="https://app.sessions.blue/browse/track/2427
S9 E155 · Sat, June 08, 2024
155 Q&A Quickie: How do we rebuild from lost trust?
People hurt each other all the time. Even in the strongest relationships and with the best intentions, it happens! Ruptures in trust are not fun to think about, but we’ve found that addressing the subject proactively is crucial. So whether you’ve just experienced a break in trust, or you’re looking to prepare for those inevitable relationship challenges, this mini-episode is a must-listen. In this episode, we talk about: — The nature of trust and how it is built and broken in relationships — Our personal experiences with trust issues and the impacts of past mistakes — The importance of understanding the depth and complexity of trust — Practical strategies for rebuilding trust — The role of predictability and consistent behavior in establishing trust — Why people with histories of trauma may have additional challenges with trusting others — The difference between the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule when it comes to trust — Essential ingredients for rebuilding trust: inquiry and time — The iterative process of healing from lost trust — The potential consequences of not addressing trust issues in relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 156 of the Playing With Fire Podcast : Betrayal Trauma & Non-Monogamy Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E154 · Sat, June 01, 2024
154 Research-Backed Therapy for Non-Monogamous People with Dr. River Farrell
This one’s for you, fellow relationship nerds! Listen in on this fabulous conversation with Dr. River Farrell, a clinical psychologist, independent non-monogamy researcher, and member of the polyamory and queer communities. They’re joining us to talk about research, therapy, jealousy, and how we can actually apply findings from the research to improve mental health care for people in the non-monogamy community. Dr. Farrell uncovers the reasons why traditional therapy modalities might not be working for you, and we discuss why Acceptance and Commitment Therapy could be the paradigm-shifting tool you need to be able to address jealousy without judgment. This one is a must-listen for anyone interested in what the research has to say about non-monogamy, and for therapists and therapy-goers who want to learn more about how to improve the therapeutic process for non-monogamous clients. In this episode, we discuss: — Dr. Farrell's research on non-monogamous relationships — Compersion and its impact on relationship satisfaction — The evolutionary roots of jealousy and stigma — Compassionate strategies for managing jealousy — Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and its applications to non-monogamous relationships — The importance of therapists’ cultural competency and mindfulness — The state of independent research and the challenges Dr. Farrell has faced — Bridging the gap between non-monogamy research and mental health practices Resources mentioned in this episode: — Dr. Farrell’s research on The Michigan School of Psychology website — Acceptance and Commitment Therapy training manual for clinicians — ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Russ Harris Dr. River Farrell is a non-binary, queer, polyamorous, clinical psychologist who has been working in the field for over 15 years. They have specialized in working with gender and sexual minority clients utilizing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Currently they are conducting research on using ACT with CNM clients. Follow River on Instagram or TikTok Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
S9 E153 · Sat, May 25, 2024
153 Limerence vs. New Relationship Energy
Have you ever had really strong feelings for someone— so strong that they took over your brain (and maybe even your life)? That kind of obsession can be super exciting, but it can also have big consequences. Limerence and New Relationship Energy are two kinds of intense romantic fixation that have some key differences, and we’re diving deep into both of them. We’ve been there—and that’s why we want to help you navigate these (exciting, scary, complicated… the list goes on!!) states of being. In this episode, we’re covering: — Symptoms and characteristics of limerence, including intrusive thoughts and ambiguity — How NRE can disrupt or challenge existing relationships in the context of non-monogamy — Our own personal experiences with limerence and NRE, and the challenges it brought to our relationships — The difference between limerence and NRE, and why making that distinction can help you better understand your feelings — The psychological effects of limerence, and why it involves so much asymmetry — The role of projections in and their impact on new, limerent, and existing relationships — Strategies for navigating NRE and limerence, including communication, boundaries, and self-compassion Resources mentioned in this episode: — The book The Limerent Mind by Lucy Bain — The book Living With Limerence by Dr. L — Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tennov — Dr. Sophia Graham on signs that new relationship energy may be problematic Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E152 · Sat, May 18, 2024
152 How to Take Intentional Relationship Breaks
When you hear the phrase "taking a break," do you think of fear, uncertainty, or sadness? We’ve been there, and we made this episode to help you forge a new path. More often than not, unintentional breaks—whether from a relationship or a conversation—can simply delay the same outcomes and patterns. But breaks don't have to be evidence of a fundamental breakdown or incompatibility within a relationship. In fact, they can be a chance to hit refresh, realign, and come back stronger than ever. In this episode, we dig through a treasure trove of questions and strategies that can guide you and your partner toward clarity and transformation during your break. We discuss how to create safety during a break while maintaining space, distance, and autonomy. Listen in to find out how to take your breaks from scary disruptions to game-changing opportunities for reconnection. Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Drills: Episode 84 of Playing With Fire Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E151 · Sat, May 11, 2024
151 Justice Jealousy
Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage . Justice jealousy is definitely one of them. Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their other partners. Ouch! The feelings that come up in these situations can be strong . So we’re here to give you strong frameworks, ideas, and tools that can help you understand, unpack, and work towards finding a resolution. (Spoiler alert, resolution might not look like what you had in mind when justice jealousy is in the picture!) In this episode, we talk about: — Why it’s important to know the difference between jealousy and envy — What underlying issues can fuel strong feelings of justice jealousy — Why it may be more helpful to focus on empathy and understanding instead of strict ideas of fairness — The complexities of relationship repair in situations of justice jealousy — Communication, forgiveness, healing, and the tools that can help you work through justice jealousy and its related issues Resources mentioned in this episode: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy by Jessica Fern Imago Dialogue: Episode 129 of Playing With Fire Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E150 · Sat, May 04, 2024
150 Asymmetric Agreements: How much balance should we strive for?
So, you want to create relationship agreements with your partner. Great! You probably want those agreements to be fair, balanced, and symmetrical. Great… right? Here’s the thing: everyone is different. We all have our own needs, wants, limits, trauma histories… the list goes on! So is trying to make symmetrical relationship agreements a worthwhile task? (Spoiler alert: not really!) In this episode, we discuss how you can use the concept of asymmetry on purpose, and we break down why it can be a powerful way to create agreements that are practical, honest, and that account for the unpredicted. Listen on to learn about: —What ‘fairness’ actually means in the context of relationship agreements —Why agreements should be explicit and mutual —The power of actually writing down your agreements —The importance of aligning your agreements with your values —How the process of creating these agreements can be a transformative way to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S9 E150 · Sat, April 27, 2024
149 Relationship Agreements 101
There are a lot of bad ways to make relationship agreements. (Trust us, we’ve been there!) But creating supportive agreements can open up a world of experimentation for you and your partner(s), while also providing safe, solid structures to fall back on. This isn’t our first episode on relationship agreements, and it won’t be the last (we LOVE this topic), but this one’s a must-listen–we’re breaking down all the basics. —Learn the difference between relationship agreements and relationship philosophies. —Understand the 3 main types of relationship agreements and why you need to start with ONE SPECIFIC TYPE! —Find out how your unconscious may try to take over the agreement-making process and what you can do about that! Sexual health resources: Planned Parenthood’s STI Resource Center Real Life Relationship Conversations: SPREAD Sexual Health Framework Examples Imago Dialogue is a framework for conversations that was created by Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. Learn more by listening to Episode 129 of Playing With Fire Maxx Hill’s Relationship Smorgasbord Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here
S9 E148 · Sat, April 20, 2024
148 Can my attachment style do non-monogamy?
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity. Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going to be a little (or a lot!) different when it comes to attachment. That’s why, in this episode, we break down a fresh perspective on attachment, focusing on our tendencies instead of rigid labels. We discuss the importance of context and nuance within conversations about attachment, especially when it comes to non-monogamous relationships. Plus, we talk about why there's a real need for more research in this area – and nope, it's not just because I'm a total research nerd! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Read the transcript of this episode here
S9 E147 · Sat, April 13, 2024
147 How to Build Healthy Differentiation
Differentiation is one of the pillars of conscious relationships—but it doesn’t just happen, we have to actively practice differentiation over time. When we don’t, there will be symptoms: If you’ve been feeling some resentment building up inside of you, if you’ve been feeling smothered, if you think you might be over- or under-functioning in your relationship(s), or if you’ve been having the same fights over and over with your partner(s), it might be time for you to get serious about differentiation. Differentiation involves being able to identify your own feelings, thoughts, and needs as separate from those of your partner(s). This is one of our favorite subjects. But it can also be a scary one! In this episode, we’re giving you a fabulous set of tools and knowledge to start you on your path towards healthy differentiation. We’re talking about what differentiation is, why it’s so important, the difference between individuation and differentiation, signs that you might be ready to start your differentiation journey, some challenges you may face throughout your differentiation practice, and we’ll give you some practical advice for and real-life examples of cultivating differentiation. How to play The 3-Minute Game Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
S9 E146 · Sat, April 06, 2024
146 Will non-monogamy make it possible to stay together?
We get this question a lot. But there are some questions lying under the surface of this one… first and foremost, will non-monogamy make it possible for us to not deal with all the shit that we just don't want to deal with?? It probably won’t surprise you to hear that our answers to these questions are nuanced, complicated, and exciting, but also possibly dysregulating!! To answer this question, we’re diving into the complexities of transitioning to non-monogamy. There are so many opportunities *and* roadblocks that can pop up on the road to polyamory (trust us, we would know!). We discuss how to avoid resentment, the importance of transparency and communication, and how non-monogamy can bring about the potential for some seriously transformative personal and relational growth. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
S9 E145 · Sat, March 30, 2024
145 How can I handle dysregulation in my relationships?
AKA–what do I do when everything in my relationship goes sideways?? To kick off season nine of PWF, we’re getting vulnerable and digging deep. We share our personal experiences with relational dysregulation, and we discuss communication styles, attachment tendencies, and tools that help us resolve conflict. Dysregulation can be fertile ground for relational growth. To show you why, we turn to our depth psychology roots, and explore concepts like embracing multiplicity, shadow exploration, and transcending binaries of good and bad. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E144 · Sat, March 16, 2024
144 Handling Polyamory Problems: Q&A with Polywise Authors Jessica Fern and David Cooley
We’re back with Jessica Fern and David Cooley, co-authors of the incredible book Polywise, and this time they’re answering your questions. We cover so much in this episode, but it’s all through the lens of a restorative relational framework, which is an incredibly powerful way to transform how you move through conflict in your relationships. Their responses include both practical exercises that you can implement in your life today, and important, big-picture discussions about polyamory, attachment, jealousy, reassurance, parenting, and so much more. Here are the questions that Jessica and David answer in this episode: What would you recommend for a hinge partner working to unpack codependence in non-monogamy? How do I manage this feeling? - When my partner is getting closer to someone else, in my head, that means that they're moving further away from me. How can I rebuild or repair metamour relationships when resentment and misunderstandings have started to pile up? What do you do when you're parenting with someone that you're disentangling from? How do I meet attachment needs within long distance partnerships? Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual cultural broker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques. To learn more about doing restorative partner work with David, visit his website here: www.restorativerelationship.com JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.theyearofopening.com Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts ! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at <a href="https://www.jolihamilton.com/
S8 E143 · Sat, March 02, 2024
143 Consent, Stronger Relationships, and Hotter Sex in a Changing World with Author Dr. Eric FitzMedrud
Consent can be a difficult topic for everyone. And there's a particularly large gap in our cultural conversations, sexual education, and practical skill development when it comes to consent and men. So many men (and that includes anyone who identifies as a man!) know there’s a problem, and want to do better, but aren’t entirely sure how to fix it. Our guest for this episode, Dr. Eric Fitzmedrud is here to remedy that. His work dives deep and does not shy away from difficult conversations. He knows from his own experiences, and from his experiences as a therapist, how important support and connection are for men, and how often men struggle to find it, because of our suffocating cultural norms around masculinity. No man can—or should—live up to the 2-dimensional, patriarchal image of what a man is supposed to be. So many people know that, but when we’re faced with difficult situations, it’s easy to slip back into outdated gender roles. In this episode, we’re digging into how you can develop the emotional skills you need to navigate these relationship challenges with more nuance and integrity. Eric FitzMedrud is a therapist specializing in relationship and sexual issues in the San Francisco Bay Area. His specialty is helping men improve their sex lives by learning to regulate emotions, remove sexual entitlement, and hone sexual consent and negotiation skills. FitzMedrud is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. He has been published in academic books, presented at conferences, and taught many graduate courses in psychology. He is polyamorous, bisexual, and lives with his wife of twenty-three years and his life partner of six years in San Francisco’s East Bay area, California. Read Dr. FitzMedrud’s new book HERE Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts ! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E142 · Sat, February 17, 2024
142 Enmeshment: Are you over-functioning in your relationship?
Enmeshment doesn’t have to be a big scary subject. In this episode, we’re breaking it down into two simple (but super important!) pieces: over-functioning and under-functioning. If you suspect you might be enmeshed in your relationship(s), and you want to start identifying those patterns, this one is a must-listen. We take it all the way to the root and examine the core wounds and beliefs that could be underlying your relationship patterns. AND, we talk about how practical tools like embodied awareness can help you honor your and your partners’ individuation journeys. Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts ! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E141 · Sat, February 03, 2024
141 Being Polywise with Jessica Fern and David Cooley
Individuation, enmeshment, symbiosis, co-dependence, individualism, interdependence… how on Earth can we navigate through all these paradigms and bring balance to our relationships?? Luckily, in this episode, we’re joined by Jessica Fern and David Cooley, two all-star authors and practitioners in the non-monogamy space. We get into the nuances of individuation, and how to work towards differentiation in a way that is intentional instead of reactive. We talk about the mono-mind (that sneaky thing is always causing trouble!!) and how it can be a barrier to individuation and healthy conflict resolution in non-monogamous relationships. Jessica and David’s new book Polywise is a must-read. Learn more about it here! Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual cultural broker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques. To learn more about doing restorative partner work with David, visit his website here: www.restorativerelationship.com Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts ! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E140 · Sat, January 20, 2024
140 [Replay] Balancing Individuation & Secure Attachment with Polysecure Author Jessica Fern
Jessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode! ~ It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure. It's normal to want to individuate. It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy. But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections? Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of interviews already (google is your friend), so I wanted to go deeper and find out how Jessica weaves other theories into her work and how she helps people move out of relational trauma loops and into the life they desire. Jealousy, internal family systems/parts work, and narrative therapy... oh, and some sneak peeks of Jessica's upcoming book Polywise! Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts ! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E139 · Sat, January 13, 2024
139 Hinge Skills Part 2: How to Go From Squeaky Hinge to Skilled Tapestry Weaver
Communication, transitions, new relationship energy, oh my! Being a hinge partner between multiple consensually non-monogamous relationships can be so overwhelming. Don’t worry—in this second episode of our hinge skills series, we’re diving even deeper into the skills you can develop that could take you from squeaky hinge to skillful tapestry weaver. We discuss all the tricky aspects of polyamorous relationships and metamours—needs, boundaries, emotions, schedules, energy levels, the list goes on…—and how you can bring these various pieces into harmony. Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts ! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E138 · Sat, January 06, 2024
138 How can I be a better hinge partner?
Feeling more like a doorstop than a hinge? We’ve been there. If you are the pivot point between multiple partners in a polyamorous relationship, you already know that it can be a challenging role to play. In this episode, we're talking about what it means to be a hinge, and what skills you can build to help you fill this role. Highlights include: time management, boundary setting, responsibility, distress tolerance, and so much more. Listen on to find out how you can strengthen your relationships with yourself, your partners, and your metamours! Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts ! Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E137 · Sat, December 23, 2023
137 Handling the Stress of Relational Growth
Starting a new relationship, ending a relationship, negotiating within a partnership for the first time, practicing differentiation, having kids - all of these changes can be positive, exciting, and beneficial, but they can also bring up stress. Making sense of all those conflicting emotions can be challenging. If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed by your relationship(s), that is SO OK!! And, this is the episode for you! We talk about a ton of powerful tools you can use to stay grounded while navigating relationship changes and growth. Embracing your agency in the face of change is a huge part of the individuation work we talk so much about. Listen to learn more! Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts ! Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E136 · Sat, December 16, 2023
136 Help, I got poly-bombed!
When one person in a monogamous relationship announces to their partner that they are polyamorous, it can be shocking, and it can bring up a lot of feelings. Some people call this “polybombing” - maybe you’ve heard the term before, maybe you’ve experienced it. We know - from experience - that there are some pretty big dos and don’ts for this conversation, and in this episode we’re talking about how to present this information you’ve discovered about yourself in a way that fosters a sense of openness. Don’t fret: there is SO much to learn about regulation and communication, and there are so many tools that can help you stay present during this kind of challenging conversation and the many others that come along with deep relationships! Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E135 · Sat, December 09, 2023
135 Veto Power: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Veto power: What is it? What are the pros of cons of using it in polyamorous relationships? Could the desire to exercise it be a relic from your monomind? Spoiler alert: we aren’t fans of veto power. It can feel like a protective measure, but veto power can actually inhibit the trust and personal growth that makes relationships strong. There are many ways to create safety and negotiate boundaries without having to incorporate a power imbalance into your love life—and we’re talking about them in this episode. We also share some of our own experiences with veto power, and answer a lot of questions you may have about metamours, negotiation, and much more. If you’ve used veto power in your relationships before, it’s never to late to revisit the conversation—no matter how challenging that may be! Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E134 · Sat, December 02, 2023
134 Agreements, Boundaries, and Consequences
‘Agreements’ and ’consequences’ can feel like big scary words, but they are not the same things and ‘rules’ and ‘punishments.’ In fact, when you put these frameworks into practice, they can actually make you feel so much more security and relief. We discuss why it’s important, especially in non-monogamous relationships, to have clear agreements, and to have clear next steps for what happens when those agreements are broken. We walk through some example scenarios and discuss the benefits of proactive problem solving as opposed to leaving these important decisions to be made in the moment. We also talk about needs, wants, boundaries, and ultimatums, and how having nuanced, regulated, intentional conversations about these subjects can create parameters for creative connection while maintaining ease and safety. Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E133 · Sat, November 25, 2023
133 Doing the Relationship Work
Relationship “work” doesn’t have to feel like work ! With some re-framing and a playful attitude, the work can feel a lot more like play ! What does it mean to ‘do the work’ in your relationship? This phrase gets tossed around all the time, but in this episode we’re digging into what relationship work can actually look like for you. There are a few key ingredients for doing the work that, when missing, can leave you feeling lost in the process: effort, attitude, and structure. We discuss how to determine where to direct your efforts and the importance of collaborating to clarify a purpose in your relationship. We also talk about specific tools you can use to give this process a structure that will help you stay connected and on track towards your growth goals. Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E132 · Sat, November 18, 2023
132 Why am I not enough?
If you’ve had a partner bring up the possibility of non-monogamy, and your reaction was - ‘why am I not enough?’ - you’re not alone. We dive into why this feeling comes up so often for people who are exploring non-monogamy, and we discuss what depth psychology can teach us about how to move through this painful feeling. We share our personal experiences of feeling unvalued in relationships, and of struggling to support partners through their own feelings of low self-worth while moving through different stages of an open relationship. This feeling doesn’t have to last forever—in fact, non-monogamy and the individuation work that comes with it can help you to address preexisting, underlying self-worth issues and foster a sense of stability and resilience. Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E131 · Sat, November 11, 2023
131 De-Escalating Relationships with Care
Conversations about de-escalation can stir up a lot of fear—change freaks us out!—but things are always changing in our relationships, especially when we’re exploring non-monogamy and untangling ourselves from the fairy tale, rom-com version of love. De-escalation doesn’t always have to be a sudden, slam-on-the-brakes change—we discuss how de-escalation can be a pragmatic, intentional way of attending to what the situation actually needs, instead of following the traditional relationship stepladder. We share some of our own experiences of escalating and de-escalating our relationship, we talk about our ongoing processes of questioning and re-imagining the cultural narratives of breakups, and we discuss the challenges of navigating parenting and relationship changes. JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S8 E130 · Sat, November 04, 2023
130 Turn Your Toxic Attractions Into Psychological Growth with Sunny Megatron
What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a**hole behavior. But what if exploring them took your personal growth journey to the next level? In this episode, we’re diving deep into why that kinky stuff is so yummy, and what you can do to leverage your toxic romanticizations into growth + fun. We’re joined by Sunny Megatron, a sex, kink, and BDSM educator and media personality, and we get into all the juicy details of how exploring taboo subjects can actually help you express yourself, explore your unconscious, form stronger boundaries, regain a sense of agency, and process past traumas. Sunny Megatron is an award-winning Sexologist, Kink & BDSM Educator, Certified Sex Educator and Relationship Coach, and media personality. If you haven’t followed her socials yet, you’re really missing out! JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S8 E129 · Sat, October 28, 2023
129 Imago Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Connection
Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing! Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Not only can it transform your communication, using Imago Dialogue can transform conflict into more connection . Whether you’re practicing Imago Dialogue with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, the core idea behind it is something a lot of us have talked about before: I want to feel understood. I want you to understand me! We walk through the steps of Imago Dialogue, but we also go deeper and talk about how you can set yourself up for success. We talk about practical tools, like emotional regulation techniques, to use before and after your conversation, and we walk through an entire real-life, real-time example of using Imago Dialogue. Learn more about Dr. Harville Hendrix’s and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt’s work here: www.HarvilleAndHelen.com Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E128 · Sat, October 21, 2023
128 Unfuck Your Mono-Mind
You can be fully immersed in polyamory, living and breathing the non-monogamous lifestyle, and still be stuck in a monogamous mindset. If you feel split, conflicted, like you’re living in bifurcated parallel universes between different partners, you’re not alone. The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so it’s no surprise that many people have a hard time breaking out of monogamous internal frameworks, even when so much of their lives reflects their polyamorous identity. That’s why this conversation is so important—we're talking about shaking away the stigma and learning how to find and process your internalized polyphobia. Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E127 · Sat, October 14, 2023
127 Comperstruggle: When Jealousy & Compersion Collide with Dr. Marie Thouin
Have you ever felt like you’re caught in a mix of jealousy and compersion? Like you want to be happy for your partner, but there’s also this feeling of jealousy tugging at you? You are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin has joined us on Playing With Fire before, but this time is extra special, because we’ve coined a new word for that conflicted feeling—comperstruggle! And we’re telling you all about it. Making the transition from comperstruggle to compersion isn’t always easy, but in this episode we go deep into how self-care, working with your emotions, and strong agreements and communication with your partners can make all the difference while you navigate this challenging space. Go to WhatIsCompersion.com to book a FREE 30-minute session with Dr. Marie Thouin, and to download her compersion worksheet Follow her on Instagram @love_insight_dating Read more about comperstruggle on my blog JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. The waitlist is open now at www.theyearofopening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E126 · Sat, October 07, 2023
126 Finding Your People with the Hosts of Normalizing Non-Monogamy, Emma & Fin
If you’re at the beginning of your non-monogamy journey, or if you’re feeling a little stuck and you don’t know where to turn for community, this episode is for you. We’re joined by Emma and Fin from the Normalizing Non-Monogamy Podcast to discuss all things community. We talk about why community is so important for people who are exploring non-monogamy, the challenges that come with the process of finding and building community, communication and connection in long-term relationships, coming out, balancing authenticity and safety while navigating different social contexts, conflict, privacy, and how all of these things might impact your own personal growth and self-care journeys. Normalizing Non-Monogamy isn’t just a podcast—it’s also a thriving virtual community of people from all around the world. Click here to check it out ! JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.TheYearOfOpening.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S8 E125 · Sat, September 23, 2023
125 The Jealousy Roadmap
Struggling with your own jealousy? Partner struggling with jealousy? Friends/community arguing about how to handle jealousy? This episode was MADE for you. The jealousy roadmap emerged directly from my qualitative research on jealousy. Since then I’ve put it to the test with hundreds of people- it works. And I want you to have it for free because jealousy is a normal emotion and you deserve to feel empowered to work with jealousy proactively. You’ll also want to download >>>The Jealousy Roadmap Workbook HERE BONUS!!! If this gets you excited, take the next step and download The Jealousy Masterclass — a 3-hour seminar and 30-page workbook perfect for continuing your jealousy shadow work 50% off because I LOVE that you are diving into your jealousy work! GET THE JEALOUSY MASTERCLASS 50% off Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Stuck on step 5 of the jealousy roadmap? Nurture Compersion by checking out Dr. Marie Thouin's work at www.WhatIsCompersion.com
S124 E8 · Sat, September 09, 2023
124 Are you ready to bring your whole quirky self to your relationships? with Rachel Wright
How does it go for you to show up with all your unique you-ness? Of course some of you is private, but it can be tricky to bring the rest of you out into your relationships. We talk with distinguished psychotherapist and renowned speaker Rachel Wright about our various experiences being out as our individual selves. For more from Rachel: www.rachelwrightnyc.com The Wright Conversations podcast Instagram: @thewright_rachel Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E123 · Sat, August 26, 2023
123 Weasel Words and Creating More Intimacy in your Relationships
There are things you can do to build intimacy in your relationships, and things you can do that can break it down. We're talking about wording agreements and commitments in ways that avoid leaving back doors you can sneak out of. and leave you present to your partners and yourself. And what can happen if you don't. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E122 · Sat, August 19, 2023
122 Get The Skills to Build your Own Relationship - With Guest Expert Carrie Jeroslow
Do the limited choices on the mainstream relationship menu leave you feeling restless and looking for something else? Do you think something more customized would suit you and your partners or partner better? I hear you, so we're talking with guest expert Carrie Jeroslow, host of Relationship Diversity Podcast . We talk about solo-amory, the line between monogamy and non-monogamy, embracing discomfort, the value of intention in relationships - we packed a lot in here. Click here to download a free guide to explore Relationship Diversity Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E121 · Sat, August 12, 2023
121 Am I cut out for non-monogamy? Finding safety during your exploration
Non-monogamy is a big adventure. It's also a huge source of fear and dysregulation for a lot of us. Individuating also involves quite a bit of discomfort. When that all gets too much, you can fall back on your routes to safety. If you're not familiar with yours, check out Jake Ernst and the resource link below. But what if you've outgrown your old familiar routes and they don't work as well anymore? No fear, we've got some strategies for managing that. Download the Routes of Safety resource by Jake Ernst Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S8 E120 · Sat, August 05, 2023
120 How do I break through relationship stagnation?
If you've got a relationship that's feeling like it's hit a plateau, what can you do? It doesn't matter if it's with a romantic partner or a friend or a family member, the moves are pretty similar. We've been there, and we're talking about options to enhance your own aliveness, and the vitality of your relationships. It's not particularly complicated, but it might be hard. How hard it is is specific to you and your relationship. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E119 · Sat, July 22, 2023
119 Soft Cock Week with guest expert Michelle Renee
Wiggly, firm, soft, rigid - peens are shape shifters. Why does that matter? Well, somebody you know might have one, and they might have feelings about that, what with the cultural pressures brought to bear on them. Guest expert Michelle Renee started Soft Cock Week, we talk with her about why she did that, what it's for, what's in it for you, and lots more about finding pleasure in life. Go to SoftCockWeek.com for resources, upcoming events, opportunities to participate and contribute. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E118 · Sat, July 15, 2023
118 Are there quick and easy ways to manage stress? A: Yes. With guest experts Elisabeth Kristof, Melanie Weller, and Matt Bush
You're alive in a human body, so you have a nervous system, and sometimes it freaks out. What do you do then? We learned Neuro-Somatic Intelligence from the incomparable Elisabeth Kristof, Melanie Weller, and Matt Bush, and they have the same problems we all do. So we got them to share some of their stories of how they use the tools they teach us in their daily lives, and how you can learn to use them too. They're enrolling their next cohort now, so go to Brain Based Wellness to get their free workshop and start working with Elisabeth, Mark, and Melanie. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E117 · Sun, July 09, 2023
117 Business and pleasure with Beth Hankes
How much more satisfying would work be if you brought more of yourself into your work relationships? Joli talks with Beth Hankes (she/her) about the benefits of bringing your relational skills into the business environment. Beth is the Founder and CEO of Earth and Salt in Burlington, VT, whose mission is to see all people free to live in their pleasure. Join Beth's mailing list at earthandsaltshop.com , and follow on IG at @earthandsaltshop Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E116 · Sat, July 01, 2023
116 Mindful Dating with guest expert Marie Thouin
Guess what they didn't teach us in school? HOW TO DATE. Much less how to date MINDFULLY. Even less-less when we are ready to date non-monogamously. My lovely colleague and fellow Ph.D. Researcher, Dr. Marie Thouin, decided to take this matter into her own hands... She talks with us about mindful dating and how you can turn dating into something joyful! So many good reasons to work with Marie and get more pleasure out of your dating experience, and she's offering a 30 minute free intro session at https://www.whatiscompersion.com/ You can also find her at https://www.loveinsight-dating.com/ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E115 · Sat, June 17, 2023
115 The Nature of Relating with guest expert Megan Bhatia
Have you been *working* on your relationships so hard you've lost the sense of joy and pleasure of it all? Time for something new! Megan is an expert in coming home to our innate capacity to relate to your Self & Other by engaging with the natural world & your body Listen in as we bask in the joy of creating something new. We've been cooking up an exciting new project that will take you to your body & soul with ease & meaning. Check it out https://www.wetravel.com/trips/the-nature-of-relating-megan-bhatia-llc-costa-rica-43821186 Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E114 · Sat, June 10, 2023
114 Non-monogamy is a psychological growth lab: Are you ready?
Non-monogamy comes in as many forms as there are people imagining outside the norm. Imagination is the tool we use to dream the dream forward to what's next. When you follow your imagination that way you gain a better understanding of yourself. Relationships that focus on growth don't have to be non-monogamous, but non-monogamy creates tons of opportunities to make your unconscious *stuff* conscious. It will also likely challenge you to face your relational wounds and fears. This might sound like it's not a ton of fun but in practice, it isn't just the tough stuff that surfaces- it also reveals deep layers of joy and pleasure. Knowing that you are in a psychological relationship makes the waves of *stuff* meaningful so you can get into the juicy fun too! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Watch this episode on YouTube Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
S7 E113 · Sat, June 03, 2023
113 How to do hard things & build exceptional love with Neuro-Somatic Intelligence expert Elisabeth Kristof
How do you handle wigging out, feeling like a mess, or in technical terms getting dysregulated? Well, we rely on tools we learned from applied neurologist Elisabeth Kristof, and now you can hear about them directly from her! Learning how to work with your unique nervous system is like getting the cheat code to be more present in your life, have access to pleasure, and be more of who you want to be even when stuff gets tough. You're going to want to know how to work with Elisabeth, and she's offering two free weeks of live and on-demand coaching at freeneurotrial.com! And... hey... if you've been wanting to train to be a Neuro-Somatic Coach a new cohort enrolls this fall- learn more by booking a call with Elisabeth HERE Elisabeth Kristof, MA, is an expert in nervous system health for trauma resolution and behavior change. She is the founder of Brain-Based Wellness, an online platform that trains the nervous system and body to resolve old patterns, improve performance and increase well-being. She is co-host of the Trauma Rewired podcast that explores the neurology of complex trauma. Elisabeth is a certified applied neurology and somatics practitioner who has been in the wellness industry since 2007. She works with entrepreneurs, athletes, leaders and creatives to improve resilience, manage stress and regulate emotions through intentional, science-based brain training. Her research and work with hundreds of clients has taught her that healing and change must occur in both the body and the mind, that each body, mind, and nervous system is unique, and most importantly, that with the right tools, we are all capable of healing. She is also the founder of Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Certification, an ICF-accredited course that teaches leading-edge, somatic coaching that creates client transformation from the body to the brain. Curious if you're ready to open your relationship successfully? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E112 · Sat, May 27, 2023
112 Sex clubs and more with Ashley Weller from What's Your Position podcast
Swinging, sex clubs, bdsm, lifestyle - if you're into stories about these things, this episode is for you. Ashley Weller from the What's Your Position podcast joins us to share her experiences with and perspectives on sex, Check out Ashley's Instagram, @whatsyourpositionpodcast! And listen to the podcast ! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E111 · Sat, May 20, 2023
111 Build Your Relationship Toolkit with guest experts Dedeker, Emily & Jase of the Multiamory podcast
Relationships require so many different skills. Do you ever struggle to process an argument, or to identify what you really want and need? Dedeker, Emily, and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory podcast and authors of the book Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, talk with us about relationship tools that work for ALL relationship structures. This is a must-listen whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, or just want to upgrade your communication skills for every area of your life! Order their book at multiamory.com/book . (order your copy now!) Subscribe to the multamory podcast in your favorite podcast player app. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E110 · Sat, May 13, 2023
110 How surrogate partner therapy works with guest expert Brian Gibney
Struggling with intimacy but you've already tried *everything*? Not sure what could possibly help? Surrogate partner therapy is amazing and we want you to know more about it! Brian Gibney, a Surrogate Partner Therapist talks with us about how he and other SPTs help people build trust and communication that allows them to experience physical touch with safety and connection. For more information about Surrogate Partner Therapy and Brian Gibney go to BrianGibney.org, Resources mentioned in the episode: https://www.surrogatepartnercollective.org/ https://www.embracespt.org/ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E110 · Sat, May 06, 2023
109 We Opened Up & EEK! What to do when exciting beginnings turn scary
Did you jump into the open waters and find the water kinda choppy? Totally normal, we're sharing: -How the scientific method can help you do this all with less pain (really!) -Why you are struggling with managing change -What do you need to consider about starter boundaries for opening There are a lot of changes to navigate, but you don't have to figure it all out by yourself. We're outlining how we recommend navigating the change, strategically avoiding pitfalls by taking a tested approach, and, bottom line, how to open up without burning things down. Or, if you're already scorched around the edges, let's talk about how to handle that too. www.theyearofopening.com Want to open up with support? email Joli @ JoliHamilton.com and find out how Referenced: Maxx Hill's Relationship Smorgasbord
S7 E108 · Sat, April 29, 2023
108 What would you do with your full power? A conversation about kink, power exchange, and everyday life with Mollena Williams-Haas
What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat with the incomparable Mollena Williams-Haas, Kink Doula, writer, performer, and podcast host. Listen to her share some of her story of power exchange and authenticity with you. Click here for the Kink Doula - Sign up for Mollena's mailing list - there's a free class available when you sign up. Click here to listen to Mollena's podcast All That and Mo (you'll be glad you did) Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E107 · Mon, April 17, 2023
107 Power dynamics for non-kinksters (part 2) How to share power when you were raised to be an entitled jerk & a martyr
Jung has this great quote “Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.” The shadow of love is power in Jung's estimation. I look around the world and that sure seems true on a grand scale. And in our daily life, I think we *mean* to center love rather than power in our close relationships...but in reality, most of us struggle with power. We struggle to accept that we want unnegotiated power (entitlement) or We struggle to accept that we want to experience a lack of power (martyrdom) or We struggle to accept that having power--even power we didn't ask for-- means having great responsibility (cue the Spiderman theme song) But we aren't taught how to share power with our partners. How to be real about the shadow element that is ruling so much of our love life. This isn't an episode about the grand scale- we are talking about how we made a mess of our loving home by ignoring the power dynamics at work under the surface and WHAT we each did to reverse the problem. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Sat, April 08, 2023
106 The conversation that will change your life: Power dynamics for non-kinksters
It's no secret that we started our relationship in a bad place. Together, we worked and learned our way from a painful, confused state to a conscious, growth-oriented, and gentle love. We transformed that messy, painful relationship by taking a page (several thousand pages, actually) from the world of kink. Kinksters regularly talk about power exchange--we think everyone should. Every single day Joli hears from people who don't recognize that unnegotiated power dynamics are creating suffering in their most cherished relationships. Want an unconventionally happy life? You've got to start dealing with the power dynamics in your relationships. In this episode, we're talking about how we: make power visible in our daily life unpack old icky-but-comfortable manipulative habits practice reading each other's minds (you can too!) make (& keep) thoughtful, creative agreements rather than rely on social norms for security Referenced in the episode: Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams (if you love that, check out Mollena's podcast All That and Mo' ) Thinking about opening your relationship? Joli has a free salon happening soon to get you started with the 5 pillars you NEED to do it well.
S7 E105 · Sat, April 01, 2023
105 Shadow work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?
If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do. Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? It happens, and it means that it is time to get conscious and practical about shadow work. Want to take this further? Joli's Sexual Shadow Masterclass is a great next step. We mentioned a couple of songs in this episode, here are the links for Spotify: The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't Contain
S7 E104 · Sat, March 25, 2023
104 Help! What can I do with all my feelings when my partner is on a date?
Having a plan for when your partner goes on a date makes it way more likely that you will both have a positive relationship experience, no matter how the date itself goes. What goes into our plans? We've got three categories and lots of examples of things that help us and have proven to help Joli's clients handle the big emotions of date nights, so dig in! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Looking for the Neuro-Somatic Intelligence tools we talk about all the time? We've made a FREE video training just for our listeners- find it here
S7 E103 · Sat, March 11, 2023
103 How to successfully ask your partner to explore non-monogamy
Bringing up non-monogamy can be a shock to your partner's system. But if you never bring it up, you'll never even know what's possible for you. Here's how you can plan for success and make this potentially shocking conversation an opportunity to upgrade your relational skills. Resources from this episode: The conversation guide: www.jolihamilton.com/easy Our video with tools for nervous system regulation: Neuro-Somatic Intelligence ™ for Navigating Change Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E102 · Sat, March 04, 2023
102 How to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community with guest expert Libby Sinback
Libby Sinback, from Making Polyamory Work joins Joli for a conversation about one of the BEST parts of shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy: community that supports your authentic self. More connection is why so many of us practice non-monogamy, but it's not always clear how to actually make the community we long for. Listen as we provide both inspiration and practical advice on how to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community! Learn more about Libby at https://libbysinback.com/ Hear more from Libby on Making Polyamory Work Podcast Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Resources and communities mentioned in the episode: The Year of Opening Group with Joli Relational Non-monogamy Circles with Libby Multiamory Patreon Community Normalizing Non-monogamy Community Esther Perel Discussion Group The Daylovers Support Groups Poly.land Discord Community
S7 E101 · Sat, February 25, 2023
101 Three ways of being polyamorous
Is polyamory something innate in you, like an orientation? Is it a practice? A philosophy? A mindset? An identity? A choice? Being able to describe your approach to polyamory makes it easier to connect with others, build community, and choose partners from a place of enthusiastic, informed consent. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E100 · Sat, February 18, 2023
100 Finding relationship happiness through creative projects
It's our 100th episode of Playing with Fire! This podcast was intended to be 13 episodes to cover each chapter of Joli's first book... and here we are with 100 episodes in and feeling more excited about this shared project than we ever dreamed. Every relationship benefits from a shared purpose (see episode 65), but so often, the shared project defaults to householding and/or kids. Proactively creating shared purpose beyond the banal is an option. For us, it's been a magnificent addition to our connection. Especially as our kids grow up and we face a (sort-of) empty nest during the college years- it was looking easier to turn to other relationships for creative, vulnerable fun. And then Playing with Fire was born. This episode is highly personal and also designed to be inspirational. We did what we do whenever we are having a relationship retrospective: one part analysis (Ken's a scrum guy, of course), one part gratitude, and one part weird. I love adding the weird- why even bother being alive if not to be weird? Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Sat, February 11, 2023
99 Balancing individuation & secure attachment with Polysecure author Jessica Fern
It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure. It's normal to want to individuate. It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy. But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections? Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of interviews already (google is your friend), so I wanted to go deeper and find out how Jessica weaves other theories into her work and how she helps people move out of relational trauma loops and into the life they desire. Jealousy, internal family systems/parts work, and narrative therapy... oh, and some sneak peeks of Jessica's upcoming book Polywise! Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E98 · Sat, February 04, 2023
98 You're *too much*
Joli here- how many times have you heard one of these gems? You're a lot. You're intimidating. You're an energizer bunny. You're hyper-productive. You must never rest. You're just too much. Tell me, who are you comparing me to when you make this pronouncement? Ken sat down to talk out one of my core wounded parts, the girl who gets told she's intimidating in every way. It was good medicine for me, and I hope listening in offers the same to you. If you've been told you're too much, I hope I hear more from you. Get louder, dance more wildly, splash color everywhere... be you where I can see, please!
Sat, January 28, 2023
97 Jealousy and sexual arousal: getting off on the green-eyed monster!
Does the thought of your partner being with someone else make you...hot as hell? You aren't alone. Though jealousy is often thought of as the LAST thing anyone would want in their life, that's not the only way it goes. In Joli's phenomenological research, 30% of participants reported sexual, juicy responses when they felt jealous. Turning the standard jealousy narrative on its head is a delicious opportunity- and in this very personal episode, we're talking about how working with jealousy differently over the past two decades has led to some transformative and HOT times. It really is possible to get off on the complex feeling of jealousy- come hear how we've been working with it to do just that. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E96 · Sat, January 21, 2023
96 Which is better: To open from the start or to establish couplehood first?
Seeking open relationship bliss? Great. Us too. And all my clients. You're not alone. Every week I hear from at least a few people who want to know if they should try to open right from the start or whether they need to solidify their couplehood first. Everyone seems to have a strong opinion, and I hear a ton of FEAR that if you get this *wrong*, you're relationship is going to be so.much.harder. This episode hits a lot of non-monogamy hot-buttons, so get ready to consider things from multiple angles! Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
S7 E95 · Sat, January 14, 2023
95 Envisioning Your Dream Relationship
Creating the relationship you really want begins with the ENVISIONING process. Plus, it's really easy to find yourself in relationships that don't fit right (but do feel familiar) unless you actively participate in the relationship envisioning process. This conversation is like being a fly on the wall of our relationship- Ken's sharing how he wound up in a marriage that was completely the opposite of what his soul truly longed for, and Joli's got some tips for how to get started in your own envisioning process. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E94 · Sat, January 07, 2023
94 Romantic Friendships: Subversive & Awesome
I (Joli) love romantic friendships. Ones that have a deeply intimate quality and the capacity to have honest conversations about boundaries and relationship agreements. Ones that feel soft, warm, and connected. But romantic friendships scare some people- it makes sense because they are one way we can live beyond the boxes of patriarchal convention. Developing romantic friendships takes intentionality and creativity... and it's totally worth it! There are two big takeaways at the end that will get you started breaking the norms and building the friendships you truly want! Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
S93 E7 · Sat, December 31, 2022
93 [MOST POPULAR EPISODE replay] Relationship agreements in the wild
This week we are sharing our most popular episode ever- this one is a not-to-miss! Relationship agreements might sound dry but the process of co-creating relationship bliss is NOT dry in the least. This episode is part explanation, part demonstration of how we review and negotiate the living document that is our relationship agreement. We found a hole in one of ours while recording that we need to address--No relationship escapes being a work in progress, including ours. Are you ready to open up happily? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
S7 E92 · Sat, December 24, 2022
92 Finding help and hope during your shift from monogamy to polyamory
Relationships are where we seek security, so making changes can feel particularly scary or overwhelming. Don't let this fear stop you from creating the custom-built relationship you really want! This episode is all about how you can shift your experience of opening up from fearful to hopeful starting today. How ready are you--right now-- to open your marriage? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Sat, December 17, 2022
91 How to deal with criticism so it doesn't ruin your relationships with Dr. Jessica Higgins
"Why are you doing it like that?" Whether your criticism is about something as mundane as loading the dishwasher or as complex as managing new relationship energy, poorly timed, unsolicited criticism doesn't actually get us the connection we're longing for. Dr. Jessica Higgins joins us this week to offer clarity on what criticism is really telling us and what we can do to shift our feedback patterns. Watch this episode on YouTube Did you love Dr. Jessica's style? Check out her fantastic Empowered Relationships Podcast ! Dr. Jessica Higgins holds two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results. As the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast , she helps people navigate the terrain of long-lasting intimacy more skillfully and mindfully. Through her coaching and online course, clients transform pain into love and connection. Listeners can download Dr. Jessica’s free guide “Is Criticism Tearing Your Relationship Apart?” here Find out more about Jessica's work here https://drjessicahiggins.com/ How ready are you--right now-- to open your marriage? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
S7 E90 · Sat, December 10, 2022
90 How to make exciting relationship changes less scary
Want a more expansive, custom-designed life? You need to take some risks and make changes. BUT--before you go committing to permanent change, learn exactly how to use one of Joli's most-trusted tools for minimizing risk while making exciting changes in your relationships. Watch this episode on YouTube How ready are you--right now-- to open your marriage? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
S7 E89 · Sat, December 03, 2022
89 Which relationship style is right for you? Learn the taxonomy of non-monogamy
Relationships get stronger and healthier when you talk about them with your partners. For that you're going to need shared language and meaning, Learning the jargon of relationship styles is so helpful! So, here's how we think about relationship labels---open relationship, kitchen table polyamory, relationship anarchy, and lots more. As mentioned in the episode, for more information on relationship anarchy, read Andie Nordgren’s Relationship Anarchy Manifesto Watch this episode on YouTube Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
S7 E88 · Sat, November 26, 2022
88 How do I build sensual & sexual desire?
Do you wish desire just magically ramped up without any effort? It certainly does sometimes, but most of the time desire flows better because we actively FUEL desire. This week we're talking about the things that block your access to desire and what to do about those blocks. Desire does not have to be elusive, so if you struggle here rest assured it is 100% normal to need to learn the skills of building desire in yourself and in your relationships. Watch this episode on YouTube Link to the research on responsive desire by Bancroft & Janssen See also: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Sat, November 19, 2022
87 Is polyamory practical? with guest Laura Boyle
Sure, it sounds fun, but is polyamory actually practical? And what if you have kids-- it's already tough to find time-- how can this work? What about STIs? Unplanned pregnancy? Or what if we find out we aren't a good fit anymore? When these big questions loom its helpful to hear from people who've been there, done, got the t-shirt. If you're new to polyamory this interview is especially well-suited for you! Laura Boyle, the author of Ready for Polyamory joins us to talk about how this all really works. Watch this episode on YouTube They can visit www.readyforpolyamory.com/about for a complete listing of all Laura's content both free and paid, or for bite-sized polyamory content follow her on Instagram and TikTok @readyforpolyamory.
S7 E86 · Sat, November 12, 2022
86 Stop compromising in your intimate relationships.
Conventional wisdom tells us marriage is all about compromise and we are not here for it. Honestly, conventional wisdom will, at best get you a conventional relationship... and if you are here you want way more than that kind of life. Let's talk about what compromise does to your individuation path, where compromise is appropriate, and how to choose an uncompromising intimacy with love and compassion. Watch this episode on YouTube Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
S7 E85 · Sat, November 05, 2022
85 How can I feel more compersion? with Dr. Marie Thouin
"I want to feel less jealousy and more compersion- HELP!" There's no one in the world who can speak to this topic like Dr. Marie Thouin, so we were thrilled to have this conversation with her. Compersion is the feeling of joy for another's joy, and it's often seen as the opposite of jealousy. Every week I hear people wrestling with jealousy and trying to move toward compersion, but what is compersion beyond that short definition? What conditions help us feel compersion and what hinders compersion? Marie is bringing us answers directly from her research. If you love Joli's jealousy work- wait till you hear where the collaboration of jealousy researcher + compersion researcher takes us! Watch this episode on YouTube Want to know more about Dr. Thouins work? Go to her website www.WhatIsCompersion.com to read more about her research & join the mailing list, and also book a free 30-min exploratory session for dating & relationship coaching at www.LoveInSight-Dating.com . ...also follow Marie on Instagram, @love_insight_dating Have a question you'd like us to answer on a follow-up episode? email ken@jolihamilton.com and we'll add your question to the queue!
S7 E84 · Sat, October 22, 2022
84 How to have happier relationships using Neuro-Somatic Intelligence
It's totally normal to be moody, triggered, and reactive but it takes a TOLL on your relationships if you don't know how to get back out of those states. You perceive the world---and all your relationships---through your nervous system. Sensory information comes in and your brain interprets it. So it makes sense that learning how to regulate your nervous system is a key part of making your relationship feel safe and satisfying . This has all felt like a great idea for a long time but learning practical tools--and when exactly to use them--really changed everything. Watch this episode on YouTube Not sure you're ready yet? Take the quiz to find out if you're Ready to Open Up Happily?
Sat, October 15, 2022
83 How to heal from jealousy and envy
Do you experience jealousy as overwhelming, painful, or disruptive? How about envy? Yeah- most people agree, there's more pain than fun packed into these feelings. But, like other big emotions, jealousy and envy have are rich with gold you for your individuation journey. The trick is to begin seeing these green-eyed monsters for their archetypal content rather than as something to solve. Jealousy and envy won't necessarily become your favorite emotional experiences, but they can absolutely become part of your personal growth process starting today. Joli's spent the past decade researching to bring you practical methods for working with jealousy & envy whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, or just figuring out what the right relationship style is for you. Watch this episode on YouTube Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E82 · Sat, October 08, 2022
82 Choosing an individuation relationship with or without your partner
Do you want to grow into the most authentic version of your Self that you can be? The good news is that you get to choose that, and all you need is within reach right now. Typically, individuation is seen as a solo activity, a deep inner journey that often comes with an image of the hermit. But we've found that relational individuation is another VERY fruitful option. This week we are talking about what steps you can take to engage fully in your journey whether your life partner/s is/are interested in psychological development or not. Watch this episode on YouTube Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S7 E81 · Sat, October 01, 2022
81 Here's why we are Playing with Fire!
Do you want to explore non-monogamy? Are you curious about how conscious relationships can take you to new levels of growth in your psychological individuation? In Playing With Fire, which grew out of the Project Relationship podcast, Joli and Ken co-host weekly intimate conversations from the inside of a non-monogamous, individuation-oriented marriage. We’re sharing tools and strategies for making your relationship into one that helps you feel seen, known, and supported as you become the most YOU version of you possible. Watch this episode on YouTube Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
S6 E80 · Sun, August 28, 2022
80 Creating conscious, compassionate, open relationships with guest author Kate Loree, LMFT
Are your relationships messy? That's more than OK - learning more about your particular relationship mess by learning about others can save you a lot of time and pain. So we talked with Kate Loree, LMFT, a sex-positive licensed marriage and family therapist with a specialty in non-monogamous, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. She's the author of Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships, and together she and Joli share their thoughts about their work and experiences with open relationships. Buy Kate's book, Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships Listen to the Open Deeply Podcast with Kate and Sunny Megatron. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Sun, August 21, 2022
79 Expansive Intimacy with Jim Young, The Centered Coach
Burnout sucks, and it's everywhere. We talk with Jim Young, The Centered Coach, about his book Expansive Intimacy and about intimacy as the opposite of burnout. His book will be available this fall (2022). Check out Jim's website at www.thecenteredcoach.com . Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
S6 E78 · Sun, August 14, 2022
78 How, When & Why to Visit a Pleasure-Centered Shop with Beth Hankes from Earth & Salt
Visiting a pleasure-centered shop can be an inspiring and exciting experience for singles, couples, and moresomes. Beth Hankes from Earth and Salt shares how and why she decided to open her shop, and why it's so important for it to be an accessible, informative, supportive place. Beth Hankes (she/her) is the Founder and CEO of Earth and Salt, and a sex education certificate student at the Institute for Sexuality Education and Enlightenment. She has a BA in Art History and Studio Art from Mount Holyoke College, and a Masters in Museum Studies from Harvard Extension School. After concurrent years of identifying self-repression, questioning her sexual desires, and health issues, she was inspired to open Earth and Salt. With Earth and Salt, her goals are to normalize sex and pleasure, provide vital sex education to all, and champion other business owners and sexuality professionals, especially those from historically marginalized groups. You can reach Earth and Salt at their website at www.earthandsaltshop.com , or check out their brick and mortar store in Burlington, VT Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
S6 E77 · Sun, August 07, 2022
77 Naturally attract the partners you long for with guest Allana Pratt
Tired of *trying* to find the person you want? There's a faster path and it is completely within your reach. Everyone has the capacity to deepen their intimacy with Self and when you do, you'll find that others respond. Stop trying to be someone for someone else and BE YOU. Joli talks with the incomparable Allana Pratt about the pains and perils of trying to date without doing your personal work. BONUS: this episode opens up with a conversation between Joli & Ken. We are getting super vulnerable about what's going on for us right now and it's not all pretty. If you've ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes, you don't want to miss this episode! Today's guest: Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically and attract an open-hearted ideal relationship. She has been chosen as an Icon of Influence, is a columnist on the GoodMenProject, and has been featured on Huffington Post, People Magazine, Forbes, CBS, ABC & FOX, and more. This Ivy League grad is the Author of 6 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast “Intimate Conversations” where listeners learn how to find the relationship they deserve. A certified coach with close to 5 million viewers on YouTube, Allana was asked by Leeza Gibbons to coach her during Dancing with the Stars. While supporting a number of nonprofits, Allana has created a new category with an inclusive Partnering App & Intimacy Training app called HeartMates where members Become the One to Find the One… which Keeps the One! She also offers HeartMates for Couples, private and group coaching plus retreats so that her clients have a thriving intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships. Take the free B-Spot Quiz and discover what your hidden blindspot is! www.allanapratt.com/quiz Watch this episode on YouTube Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
S6 E76 · Sun, July 31, 2022
76 What does perimenopause do to our relationships? with guest Maraya Brown
Have you ever asked your partners how they experience living in their bodies? Have you ever asked yourself what might be unique about your experience of your body? Life promises us all just one thing: change. One of the changes that DEFINITELY deserves more attention is perimenopause! We could have a million conversations about this, and still be surprised every time because there is so much we just don't talk about when it comes to the intricacies of being embodied beings. In this episode we are have the amazing Maraya Brown, a Yale and functional medicine trained nurse midwife, about how being in a body, particularly a body with changing levels of estrogen, affects our experience of the world and others' experience of us. You can find her work at https://www.marayabrown.com/ Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching . You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
S6 E75 · Sun, July 24, 2022
75 Leaving purity culture for a life you love - with guest Lauren Elise Barnes
Am I pure enough? Am I a good _______? Fill in the blank - what were you raised to be, how were you indoctrinated? Do you still agree with it? How do you wish you could move past it? Lauren Elise Barnes is a certified holistic s*x educator who spent a decade in the maternal health industry. She talks with us about creative monogamy, non-monogamy, and surviving purity culture. Learn more about Lauren here: https://sexedforyou.com/ Watch the YouTube version of this episode You can view the transcript here Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S6 E74 · Sun, July 17, 2022
74 Why is my partner so weird? Wait, why am I so weird?
How do you experience your differences with your partner? Do you feel discomfort, or conflict, or maybe you feel isolated and abandoned? Do you work to mask those differences by trying to meld together, or by acting like someone you're not? Let's talk about how our experience of those differences can help us grow in ourselves and in our relationships Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S6 E73 · Sun, July 10, 2022
73 How to start building a designer relationship
Want designer relationships? Want to show up as more of yourself and less of what others might expect, and help your partners do the same? Let's talk about some conversations, actions, and self-reflection that will help us get there. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S6 E72 · Sun, July 03, 2022
72 How to be a classy visitor to a strip club with expert guest Elle Stanger, CSE
Going to a strip club is a great way to expand your erotic life but we have heard from tons of couples who feel a little nervous about it. Even if you've gone before, going as a couple might feel different. In this episode we talk with Elle Stanger, a s*x wrker (yes, we have to get creative with spellings around the internet these days) and AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator about strip club etiquette, treating erotic labor as work, and how to be a decent person in relation with sex workers. This episode is a ~~ MUST LISTEN ~~ Whether you are chomping to hit the clubs or are just curious about how erotic labor can be made safer for everyone involved your ears are in for a treat. Please listen to (and share) Elle's podcast at www.theytalksex.com for more perspectives on s*x wrk from someone who knows. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S6 E71 · Sun, June 26, 2022
71 Doing what you said you'd do: When accountability works and when it doesn't
Accountable and reliable- this is what you want from a life partner. But, life moves fast. What happens when you can't keep your word? Or when you change your mind about something that matters to your partner? One of the things about having a completely unscripted podcast is you get to hear us work through our process live- no edits. In this episode, we talk about what happens in our relationship when one of us says we'll do something and then life happens and things change. Joli had a moment when she kinda blew her own mind by realizing that accountability has a shadow side too. The truth is we all have to prioritize and sometimes that means we won't be able to keep our word- let's talk about what can you do to make this wobbly part of love--the part where life gets messy-- actually work in your favor. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S6 E70 · Sun, June 19, 2022
70 Guest Expert Megan Bhatia: Choosing Polyamory While Raising a Family
We talk with Megan Bhatia from the Amory podcast about our different polyamory journeys, our experiences with family as polyamorous people, and parenting outside the monogamous paradigm. You can view the transcript here Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with h er If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S6 E69 · Sun, June 12, 2022
69 The Year Of Opening
Ready to take your relationships to new levels of growth and satisfaction? In a community of like-minded, growth oriented people with similar goals? Led by a highly trained expert and her experienced partner? Listen to Episode 69 where we share some of our thoughts and experiences about opening relationships, and offer an exciting new opportunity to join a group coaching program designed to help you open your relationship the smart way. Start by taking the quiz to find out how ready you are to open your relationship happily If you're ready to start opening your relationship the smart way, go directly to the application ! Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S6 E68 · Sun, June 05, 2022
68 Train Your Nervous System to Transform Your Relationships with Elisabeth Kristof
Join us for the first episode of Season 6! We talk with Elisabeth Kristof of Brain Based Wellness about training your nervous system, and how you can use those skills to improve your relationships. Elisabeth is not only a certified applied neurology coach but also one of Joli's most treasured trauma-informed colleagues. Click here for a free video series to relieve stress, resolve anxiety and eliminate unwanted behavior! BONUS: Elisabeth and Joli created a one-of-a-kind workshop called Jealousy Rewired! Get access to this groundbreaking combination of somatic and cognitive tools to transform your jealousy struggles into opportunities. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S5 E67 · Sun, April 24, 2022
67 Exploring **Potential** Kinks
Are you kinky? Nobody but you can answer that question, and nobody but you can decide what it means. There's no board of kink that issues certificates, no licensing board that decides what you can and can't do based on your "kink" status. In this episode we talk about ways you can explore this question for yourself. And some of the things to think about along the way - practical, psychological, and relational. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S5 E66 · Sun, April 17, 2022
66 Who Started It? The Decision to Open Up
How did we get where we are? What stories do we tell each other (and ourselves) about the decisions that got us here? In this episode we dig into how the way we remember and tell our stories affects the way we view our relationships, and our partners. Here's the graphic on cognitive bias I mentioned. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S5 E65 · Sun, April 10, 2022
65 Relationship Agreement Skills - Shared Values & Relationship Purpose
How satisfied are we in our relationships? How satisfied can we be? How do we decide? When we make explicit agreements with our partners, we can start to see clearly how well our relationships serve us. The more we know about our values and our partners' values, the easier it is to make effective explicit agreements, which is what this episode is about. We share experiences with our relationship agreements, and talk about some of the tools we use to help us craft them. Here is the exercise and list of values Joli mentioned. Also here is a quick link to available values lists on Google . Strugging with what your relationship is for? Check out "Getting What You Need", Chapter 7 of the book Project Relationship, which has exercises to help you. It's part of my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com . It also includes easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S5 E64 · Sun, April 03, 2022
64 Trust: Building and Rebuilding
How do we navigate those times in our relationships when trust has been violated? How can we respond in ways that increase the chance of reconnection? Are there ways to avoid situations that cause trust troubles? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences building and rebuilding trust, and share some strategies for navigating trust issues. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S5 E63 · Sun, March 27, 2022
63 Relationship Sabotage
Have you noticed any patterns in your relationship that play out over and over again? Are there things you do, ways you behave, that leave you in the same ouchy situation every time, but you still keep doing them? Well, that happens to us, and in this episode we talk about how those patterns show up and play out for us, and we share some strategies for interrupting those patterns. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S5 E62 · Sun, March 20, 2022
62 Wounds & Apologies
How do you feel when you get an apology? How about when you offer one? When we hurt each other, how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our relationship, with each other and with ourselves. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S5 E61 · Sun, March 13, 2022
61 Relational Individuation: On becoming your Self
Have you ever had life throw something spectacular at you that inspired (or required) you to grow and change? That can happen, surprising us out of the blue. It can also be something we plan into our lives. In this episode we talk about how we can do that, choosing to use our relationship as the workshop for becoming more ourselves. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S5 E60 · Sun, March 06, 2022
60 Making FUN happen in long term relationships
Long term fun? Sign me up! In this episode we talk about generating fun in the context of a relationship. We share some ideas about what could be fun, some thoughts about things that get in the way, and how we can learn from that and bring ourselves more satisfaction. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S5 E59 · Tue, March 01, 2022
59 What do I do with unrequited hots?
What do you do when you have the hots for someone unavailable? In this episode we talk about ways to approach the feelings that come up with unrequited attraction. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S5 E58 · Sun, February 20, 2022
58 Anxiety when you are consensually non-monogamous
Can anxiety can be an opportunity? Consensual non-monogamy is not simple, and it can lead to anxiety. In this episode we talk about how that anxiety can be an opportunity and a guide to learn more about ourselves and our relationships. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S5 E57 · Sun, February 13, 2022
57 Affection and Non-sexual Intimacy
What if we want to show affection without being sexual? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences with difficulties that can come up around expressing and engaging in intimacy outside sexual relationships. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S5 E56 · Sun, February 06, 2022
56 Creative Monogamy
It sounds kind of weird, but monogamy isn’t necessarily the opposite of non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how we decide what the boundaries of our relationships are, and share some ideas about how we can stretch our imaginations to bring more of what we want into those relationships. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S5 E55 · Sun, January 30, 2022
55 Parenting While Polyamorous
Talking with your kids about your relationships as a parent can be really beneficial for all of you, but it does take some care and attention. In this episode we talk about our experiences talking with our kids over the years about our consensual non-monogamy, sharing the problems and the benefits of those conversations. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E54 · Sun, January 02, 2022
54 Where do we learn the skills of adult friendships?
Are you married to your best friend? Do you have several best friends? Do you have friends that aren't best? In this episode we're talking about the nature of adult friendships, about the skills of friendship, and we're asking a lot of questions. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E53 · Sun, December 26, 2021
53 How to be happier when big changes threaten your marriage
The many marriages model has helped us manage to stay both committed and independent over the long term. In this episode we are talking about what happens when a marriage goes through inevitable change, because change is the only guarantee we get in life. So, when change shows up, what do you do? Do you resist and try to keep your marriage as it always has been or do you transition with grace? Once again, rituals can facilitate strong, growth-oriented transitions. Check out chapter 12 in Project Relationship for an easy template to create a ritual that will help you make the most of change in your love life: Get the book Project Relationship . One of the tools we suggest is learning to tolerate ambiguity because there are big gains to be made when we can do that. Here's an article from Ness Labs that explains the theory https://nesslabs.com/ambiguity-effect Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E52 · Sun, December 19, 2021
52 Sex parties? Yes, sex parties.
What makes for well-done casual play? In this episode we're talking about practical considerations for hosting or attending a sex party. How do we set up a safe place for people to share erotic play? How do we make sure consent is part of everything all the time? What should we do to normalize sharing STI information? What about exit strategies, safe words, logistics, ground rules? If everyone can safely pursue pleasure and we all take care of each other, we have the best chance of connecting to people and making happy, sexy memories. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E51 · Sun, December 12, 2021
51 Let's optimize our sex lives!
No matter how good your sex life is, we're all growing, changing critters in a dynamic world. So something will change and we'll want to adapt so we can have the best sex we can. In this episode we're talking about how to make sex better by sharing feedback about our sexual experiences. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E50 · Sun, December 05, 2021
50 Where is envy secretly kicking your ass?
Envy is kind of like a feeling of want, except that it totally bites. In this episode we are digging into envy: how it can get in the way of our relationships and leave us feeling totally worthless at times. But we can use some of the same tools we use for jealousy to notice it's there and help us through it to a better understanding of ourselves. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E49 · Sun, November 28, 2021
49 Using love languages to make the gift-giving season more pleasurable
Do you want to give gifts that inspire feelings of love and pleasure? In this episode we're talking about focusing on the feelings we create and understanding our people, so we know what and how they like to receive gifts. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages can be a useful model for helping us understand ourselves and each other, and the more we talk to each other and collaborate on designing the celebrations we want, the more likely we are to get them. Take the free, quick love languages quiz on Gary Chapman's site Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E48 · Sun, November 21, 2021
48 Keeping sex hot over the long term
There are lots of disruptors to sex - kids, grief, burnout, pandemics... In this episode we're talking about ways to get the hotness back, or keep things hot, or make them even hotter. And how to decide when it's time to ask for help - from books, podcasts, and best of all humans. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E47 · Sun, November 14, 2021
47 Nuanced Conversations in Polyamory: Secondaries, Solos, and Couple's Privilege
Poly is not mono! Which might sound silly, but in this case we mean that polyamory is not monolithic. There are as many ways to have polyamorous relationships as there are people having them, and the differences between them are a lot of nuance. In this episode we talk with our guest, Leah Marshall, about the way she experiences her relationships, and how that's different from us. Leah is the founder and leader of the Esther Perel Discussion Group on Facebook, a community of over 13K members from across the globe who regularly discuss relationships, intimacy, sex, desire, and infidelity. You can connect with Leah on YouTube , on her blog , and in the Esther Perel Discussion Group . Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S4 E46 · Sun, November 07, 2021
46 How, when, and why to CELEBRATE!
How do you celebrate? Do you wait for a holiday or for someone to tell you it's time to mark an occasion? Celebrations help us see and acknowledge the things that have meaning for us- in other words, they are kindling for the fire of your relationships (romantic and otherwise). Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Cited in this episode: Fiese, B.H. (2002) Family Routines and Rituals May Improve Family Relationships and Health, According to 50-Year Research Review. APA special edition Dec. 2002. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E45 · Sun, October 31, 2021
45 Silent agreement - One person's perspective on a sexless marriage
Every marriage, every relationship is different. In this episode we talk about Ken's first marriage, his experience of infertility, and what he wishes he'd done differently, and why. As we mentioned in the episode, follow Katy DeJong on Instagram @thepleasureanarchist if you're interested in the best info on infertility, sex, and childlessness. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E44 · Sun, October 24, 2021
44 Three ways porn has brought us closer together
Have you ever wondered how other people use porn? In this episode we talk about our own personal answers to that question, including de-stigmatizing porn, sharing it with each other, and ensuring that we are using ethical sources. We've included some links in these show notes to ethical porn sources as well as social media links for some great sex workers and sex educators who advocate for erotic freedom and provide high-quality education about sex and sex work. A very porn-knowledgable sex educator to follow @stripperwriter Some ethical porn sources: https://www.bellesa.co/ https://xconfessions.com/ https://www.kink.com/ oooo... and if you like audible erotic stories absolutely check out https://www.dipseastories.com/ Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E43 · Sun, October 17, 2021
43 The missing ingredient in boundary work with guest Melissa Hite
"Our relationships with others can only be as strong as our relationship with ourselves." That's just one insight we hear about in this episode during our talk with Melissa. We talk about how to tell the difference between internal and external boundaries, being in integrity, and grounding deeply in our body to help us know what our boundaries need to be. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Melissa is a very experienced guide for people interested in a lifelong journey of growth. If that's you, you should check out her website at www.highersexeducation.com . If you are as excited as we are about applying for Melissa's boundaries course you can go directly to the application: www.HigherSexEducation.com/boundless-living
S4 E42 · Sun, October 10, 2021
42 It's normal to be a messy human in messy relationships. Really, it is.
Have you ever done something and looked back and said "That's not like me!" How does that happen? What do we do then? How can we use this information to manage ourselves and our relationships better? In this episode we talk about the Jungian concept of complexes, and how they can come up and run the show for a while. For reference, here are couple of powerful quotes from Jung on his model of psychological complexes: "Complexes interfere with the intentions of the will and disturb the conscious performance; they produce disturbances of memory and blockages in the flow of associations; they appear and disappear according to their own laws; they can temporarily obsess consciousness, or influence speech and action in an unconscious way. In a word, complexes behave like independent beings. from Jung, C. G., Psychological Factors in Human Behaviour, Collected Works vol 8, par. 253. "Complexes are focal or nodal points of psychic life which we would not wish to do without; indeed, they should not be missing, for otherwise psychic activity would come to a fatal standstill."Jung, C.G., A Psychological Theory of Types, Collected Works. vol. 6, par. 925. You may also enjoy reading Complex, Archetype, Symbol by Jolande Jacobi The Individuation Principle by Murray Stein Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E41 · Sun, October 03, 2021
41 Emotional regulation and co-regulation
It's really helpful to have specific tools to use when we find ourselves managing stress, or sadness, or grief, or any of the other feelings that come with being alive. In this episode we talk about developing methods of self-regulation that help us feel stable and self with ourselves, and then follow that up with looking at co-regulation and how we can help each other. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Cited in this episode: Butler, E. & Randall, A. (2013) Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion Review, vol. 5 no. 2 pp. 202-210. "We propose an operational definition for coregulation as a bidirectional linkage of oscillating emotional channels between partners, which contributes to emotional stability for both partners." Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S4 E40 · Sun, September 26, 2021
40 How to have a productive consensual non-monogamy conversation
Last episode we talked about setting up for success starting the first conversation on non-monogamy with your partner. In this episode, we talk about some of the practical details that you'll want to include in the conversation. Your relationships can be whatever you and your partner(s) design together, so let's get into some of the important components of a caring transitional conversation. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S3 E39 · Sun, September 19, 2021
39 I want to be consensually non-monogamous: how do I talk to my partner?
We've had so many questions about this! How do I bring up the idea of non-monogamy with my partner? What can I do to make it go well? Spend a little time with us talking about what we've learned through our experiences and Joli's years of research. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S3 E38 · Sun, September 12, 2021
38 How jealousy was the best thing that ever happened to me
Jealousy shows up differently for each of us, but it is a typical human experience. In this episode we talk about defining it, dancing with it, and five things we can do to use jealousy to strengthen and deepen our relationships. Joli shares exactly how she found herself studying jealousy every day for the past twelve years and the five-step process she uses to transform jealousy. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
S3 E37 · Sun, September 05, 2021
37 Summer's over... negotiating how we handle getting back to the grind
The shift from summer to fall is an easy time to let unexpressed expectations quickly escalate to resentment. Having an intentional conversation about how we share the work of a household is a critical step for keeping your expectations out in the open. Prioritizing love is easier when we regularly revisit how we do this LIFE thing together. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube. Mentioned in this episode: Four Thousand Weeks is a great read for rethinking how we can make the most of our time. You can read about having intimate conversations in Joli's book Project Relationship . And you can find information on working with Joli at www.jolihamilton.com .
S3 E36 · Sun, August 29, 2021
36 Vacation sex at home
Want to feel like you're on vacation at home? In this episode we talk about some things you can do to bring that vacation feeling home, and specifically into the bedroom, anytime. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube You can read about designing your own rituals in Joli's book Project Relationship . And you can find information on working with Joli at www.jolihamilton.com .
S3 E35 · Sun, August 22, 2021
35 How not to let your relationship agreement screw up your relationship
Having a relationship agreement is important, but it can be used to hurt as well as help our relationships. In this episode we talk about what the relationship agreement really is and what it's for, and list some ways to use it to get everybody more security and connection. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S2 E34 · Sun, August 15, 2021
34 Three ways masturbation improves your relationship
Masturbation has gotten all kinds of press over the years - some good, some bad, some clinical. We are fans of masturbation. Let's talk about what it's good for, how you can explore and learn about yourself, and some ways you can use it to enhance your connection to your partners. Bonus, Joli's going in deep with the depth psychology of masturbation on this one too! Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S3 E33 · Sun, August 08, 2021
33 Individuation Accelerator: What if we don't keep the same beat in our relationship?
Joli calls relationships an individuation accelerator- is your love built for it? Navigating individual differences between partners is not easy (and individuation requires difference!) In this episode, we share some of the ways we manage being vastly different people with divergent interests and goals. We share two key moves you can make to create an individuation relationship of your own. You get to write the script for your relationship yourselves, you don't have to use anybody else's. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S3 E32 · Sun, August 01, 2021
32 What do I do when my partner's family is driving me crazy?
Our partner's family can add some challenges to our relationship. In this episode we talk about our own experiences, our mistakes, our successes, and how our relationship deepens because of all of that. Boundary setting plays an important role in all of this, so we refer to the fantastic book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab , and recommend it as a resource for anyone wanting to improve those skills. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S3 E31 · Sun, July 25, 2021
31 Threesomes... what to consider before the fun
Monogamy works really well for a lot of people and yet a recent study showed that group sexual encounters are the number one fantasy in the US. Maybe as a pair, you've started talking about including other people in your sex life. That can be really fun to think about and to talk about. And there is so much to talk about before taking action! In this episode, we share some things to talk about that can help you all get what you want out of the experience, whether it's a one-time thing or something you're interested in long-term, or something that you decide is more fun to fantasize about than act on. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S3 E30 · Sun, July 18, 2021
30 How to go from off-the-rack to custom-designed relationship
You've heard us talk about making a relationship agreement that really works for your particular love... but what if you have been married and now things have changed? Maybe you still deeply care about each other but you don't want the standard-issue marriage anymore. Is divorce the only option? Divorce or not, there are actually bigger issues to consider if you want to really go from that one-size-fits-all (who are we kidding, one size is not sufficient!) kind of marriage to an exquisitely customized love. Follow Joli on Instagram Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S3 E29 · Sun, July 04, 2021
29 Letting your partner grow at their own pace
Last time we talked about managing hard times. What about the good times? Sometimes our partner will be having wins, and maybe we're not, and those times can be challenging too. What can we do to help our partner grow into themselves more? How can we help each other grow? How can we maintain and develop our connection when it looks like things might be changing? In this episode we talk about our experiences with this situation, and offer some things we do that help those times develop our relationship. Follow Joli on Instagram Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S3 E28 · Sun, June 20, 2021
28 Showing up for your partner during heartbreak & grief
Heartbreak and sadness show up in all of our lives. How we show up for each other during those times can have a big impact on our relationships. In this episode we talk about some of the ways we support each other through those times, and how both our similarities and differences help us do that. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S3 E27 · Sun, June 06, 2021
27 Relationship agreements in the wild
We are talking relationship agreements again, this time looking at how we actually, practically, maintain ours. We also found a hole in one of ours while recording that we need to address. (No relationship escapes being a work in progress, including ours!) Follow Joli on Instagram Watch the video version of this episode on Instagram
S2 E26 · Sun, May 09, 2021
26 Doesn't this person ever leave?
Quarantine has gone on a long time, now, and most of the natural breaks we used to get have disappeared. As the world opens up we are READY to get some space for sure but honestly, Joli can't wait any longer. Listen to this episode as we brainstorm a way to get a much-needed break from each other with respect and mutual caring. In this episode, we are creating an intentional, well-defined break in our relationship to avoid enmeshment and increase satisfaction. When we say this show is honest, we mean it... this episode found us exploring and co-creating our relationship on the fly. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S2 E25 · Sun, April 25, 2021
25 No, really, who IS this person I love?
Marriage is learning all the things you missed on your first meeting. Imagine asking your partner a question you know the answer to and getting a new answer. Does that sound fun, or scary, or both? In this episode we talk about how that works for us, how we make room for each other to change, and how we handle those changes. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S2 E24 · Sun, April 18, 2021
24 Do I really want my lover to see me?
Do you ever feel hesitant to share your inner world with your lovers, partners, friends? In this episode we share our experiences and struggles with transparency, and why we lean into it even when it seems hard. (Spoiler alert - it can promote intimacy, passion, and connection.) Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S2 E23 · Sun, March 28, 2021
23 Magic marriage ingredient: Play
Finding a way to play with our partner can change how we experience life. In this episode, we are talking about how we introduce the joy of play into relating, parenting, running a household, and yes, sex too. Married life has piled up the responsibilities but playfulness has been the most consistent way to put the magic back into the mundane. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S2 E22 · Sun, March 21, 2021
22 Relationship flags - red, green, and otherwise
Developing relationships takes care and courage. This week Angela Lussier joins us and we share thoughts and stories about dating and relationships in general. We talk about what we each want and don't want, what we watch out for and what we seek out, and a little bit about what can happen when we miss the signs. Follow Joli on Instagram Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S2 E21 · Sun, March 14, 2021
21 A secret weapon for relationship satisfaction
Sometimes we get caught up in the changes and challenges everyday life brings. In this episode, we talk about some ways we acknowledge and increase meaning in our lives, and in our relationship. Sometimes we do it on purpose, sometimes we look around and say "oh, we do this thing, and it matters to us and helps us connect". Joli referred to this study about relationship rituals , and for more ideas about creating rituals you can check out chapter 12 of Joli's first book, Project Relationship . Follow Joli on Instagram Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S2 E20 · Sun, March 07, 2021
20 What an open relationship *might* look like
There is no one way for relationships to work. What does "work" even mean, really? That is up to the people in the relationship. In this episode, we explore some of the common labels people use to describe their open relationships and what we have decided to use in ours. Of course, labels will only take you so far before you need to dive into the actual meaning behind your words and this can get messy sometimes. The idea of designing a relationship is at the heart of our life. This episode is all about how we have created our open relationship- one that works for us and flexes as we change and grow. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Follow Joli on Instagram
S2 E19 · Sun, February 28, 2021
19 The shame of a messy beginning
In the second part of a mini-series about shame, Joli shares some vulnerability as we go into her feelings about the rocky early years of our relationship, and the final years of our respective first marriages. That challenging time left its marks, and Joli talks about her experiences with couple’s privilege, secrecy (no surprise, since we’re still talking about shame), and how those experiences impact her now. It’s uncommon to see inside another relationship, so listen in for a tiny glimpse into Joli and Ken’s as it is right now. Relationships change, and the people in them grow, and Joli talks about how she handles the shame and other feelings that come out of that time, in hopes that others might find some support and insight. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube If you’d like to find out more about Joli’s work head to jolihamilton.com
S2 E18 · Sun, February 21, 2021
18 Shame & secrecy (and sex!)
In the first of a mini-series about shame, we aren’t holding back! The feeling of shame has kept parts of Ken hidden from Joli for years even though we’ve been consciously working on it. This isn’t surprising because shame encourages secret-keeping. Confidence has been masking shame in our home even with a careful eye towards it. Shame has been showing up in unexpected spots and when it does we often feel disconnected right when we most want to feel seen and loved. No holds barred in this episode, sexual shame has been hiding too long, so listen in if you’re someone who has ever struggled with shame or the secrets it might encourage. Ken brought his vulnerability right to the forefront this week, hoping to share a story that will help others. Book mentioned in this episode: Dark Eros by Thomas Moore http://bit.ly/3ppVcns If you need some shame-work musical inspiration listen to Shame by The Avett Brothers If you’d like to find out more about Joli’s work head to jolihamilton.com Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S2 E17 · Sun, February 14, 2021
17 Sexual Fantasies
Sexual fantasies are exciting, but not everyone feels comfortable sharing them with their partner. This week we are talking about how we figured out what each of us needs in order to feel safe to share our fantasies. There is no right or wrong, but fantasy can wake up the beast of jealousy and its best friend shame. What do we do when that happens? How do we get past the junk and revel in sharing our sexiest fantasies? We have spent years developing our ability to do exactly this and it is now one of the best parts of our life together. It all started with a few brave words and a lot of patience. We also got into the nuances between privacy and secrecy jumping off from the work of Vienna Pharaon (Check them out on Insta @mindfulmft). If you’ve struggled with trying to speak your sexy with your partner, this episode can’t be missed! Learn more about Project Relationship at JoliHamilton.com Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S2 E16 · Sun, February 07, 2021
16 Relationship agreements and polyamory (or monogamy!)
Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. In this episode, we are talking about what it takes to go from assuming you *know the rules* to creating relationship agreements that are explicit and able to grow with you as your relationship changes. Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube To buy Project Relationship the book, head here Learn more about working with Joli or to listen to her TedX talk Follow Joli on Instagram
S2 E15 · Sun, January 31, 2021
15 What does intimacy look like if you are non-monogamous?
Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what intimacy means when you no longer have the rules of monogamy to guide you. How vulnerable is too vulnerable with someone outside your marriage? What does it feel like to know that my partner is happy without me sometimes? It's all complicated, but not as impossible as it might seem. Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Follow Joli on Instagram Buy Project Relationship the book Learn more about working with Joli or to listen to her TedX talk
S2 E14 · Sun, January 24, 2021
14 Why polyamory?
To kick off season 2 we are responding to a request from a listener who asked "Why are you polyamorous?" Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what polyamory is, why it works for us, and how it feels to put your heart in someone's hand without the rules of monogamy. Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Follow Joli on Instagram Buy Project Relationship the book Learn more about working with Joli and to listen to her TedX talk
S1 E13 · Tue, December 29, 2020
13 Celebrating and still learning
In the wrap-up for season 1, Joli and Ken are sharing what it feels like to share their relationship ups and downs with the world. The biggest lessons are often scary to talk about, even years later. Admitting where we hurt each other or when we've been out of integrity with our values is vulnerable but getting real is key to continually deepening connection with each other and with the larger world. Season 2 is coming soon- if you have a topic or question, we invite you to share them, grab the email address in the show. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E12 · Thu, December 24, 2020
12 Feel like a failure when a relationship ends? 3 tools to help ease life's big transitions
Episode 12 is about failure and what happens when we judge our relationship success only by how long it lasts. Endings and transitions can be extremely challenging, especially when we imagine that an ending feels like it defines us. In this episode, Joli and Ken talk about three things they do to get through the tough endings and big transitions with a little more grace and a ton more insight. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E11 · Tue, December 22, 2020
11 Making money talk-aboutable
In episode 11 we are talking about money and how hard it can be to say what needs to be said when we share finances and responsibility for a household. Going from terrified and even dishonest money habits to open, honest, connected conversations about money isn't easy because so many of us have money complexes- hangups that leave us acting in wildly unhelpful ways. Making money talk-aboutable is key to making relationship teamwork a reality instead of a pipedream. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E10 · Fri, December 18, 2020
10 Navigating drastically different communication styles
Working together, whether you are running a business together or just working from the same home office puts a bright spotlight on relationship weaknesses. In this episode, Joli and Ken are talking about how they manage communication styles so different they initially seemed completely incompatible. Finding creative ways to navigate these differences has taken patience, troubleshooting tolerance, and one stuffed sloth. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E9 · Tue, December 15, 2020
9 Fighting with love...how we relearned how to argue
Even the word fighting can make people uncomfortable. But relationships are messy and people are complicated. In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how they find ways to love each other better, build a stronger connection, and learn about each other while talking through the bumps and bruises that come with close connection. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E8 · Thu, December 10, 2020
8 Sex reimagined...with one question
Sex is a spot that easily leads to misunderstandings, even for a couple who are on the same page in so many ways! In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how one seemingly-simple question led to a total reimagining of what sex could be in their relationship. With a little courage and a sense of humor, talking about sex can bring you closer together even during stressful times. It's not about how much sex you are having (or not!) but how to get on the same page about what you could create together. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E7 · Tue, December 08, 2020
7 How to get what you want for the holiday (or any day!)
Having two different communication styles is a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We had to learn the super-hard way how to ask for what we need and how to set the stage for a successful conversation no matter how sticky the topic is. Ken and Joli are sharing some of their complicated first holiday story in this episode. Ken talks about how it felt to try to communicate with two partners who had very different wants and needs. Yeah, that's right, we had a complex relationship right from the start-multiple partners and all. All those complications made it even more crucial to find practical ways to totally overhaul our communication habits--thankfully it has really worked! Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E6 · Thu, December 03, 2020
6 The courage to want
When holiday stress feels overwhelming I've had the impulse to turn away from my partner and just hunker down in my overloaded psyche. Learning how to courageously lean into the feeling of want is a move that turns holiday stress into an opportunity to connect in our most tender spots. Identifying our wants is at the root of knowing our standpoint, our deeper self, which is a pre-requisite for sharing ourselves with our partner. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E5 · Tue, December 01, 2020
5 Relationship resilience for the holidays
The holiday season is awesome... and practically tragic in its ability to leave us feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and disconnected. In this episode, we talk about how we managed to bring joy back to the forefront of our holiday celebrations by focusing on little moments of connection and getting really explicit on what we need from each other. A dynamic life means that peace & joy sometimes feel out of reach, but by learning how to see our strengths and weaknesses without shame we have the chance to reimagine the holidays and really our whole relationship. Resilience means learning how to be with what is and what we cannot possibly plan for, listen as we explore our resilience habits and failures as we work to make this holiday fun, pandemic and all. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E4 · Thu, November 26, 2020
4 Who the heck IS this person I love?
What is it about love that keeps us assuming that we already know each other, even though we are changing and living in a changing world? Joli and Ken work on how can we keep our relationship pleasurable over the years despite grief, growth, and a changing world. Taking a step away from our assumptions about each other (even though we've known each other our whole lives!) means there are joyful surprises to uncover every day. This episode asks us to look again at those we know the best and dive into them with intentional curiosity. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E3 · Tue, November 24, 2020
3 Boundaries at the holidays
Boundaries are an invitation to intimacy but the holidays can make it feel like your boundaries have no place in life. The gravity of tradition can get in the way of checking in with ourselves about what we truly need and want. In this episode, we share stories about how it felt to combine family traditions and how rocky it was trying to learn to communicate our needs to each other when we weren't even sure what those needs were! Learning how to set boundaries started for us with a freezing cold, muddy, miserable Christmas eve walk. Luckily, every day gives us new opportunities to learn about our yes's and no's and most of them don't have to involve a muddy, frozen toddler crying on your hip. Committing to reimagine the holidays is the best gift we can get this wild 2020 holiday season! Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube
S1 E2 · Wed, November 18, 2020
2 Empowered relating & holiday stress
Owning our *stuff* around the holidays is hard. Joli and Ken are sharing stories about navigating big feelings, a busy family, and old family patterns that pop up at the least helpful times. Learning what works and what sets us off hasn't been simple but it has given us the chance to make stressful times a little smoother and a lot more pleasurable. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube For more Project Relationship head to www.JoliHamilton.com
S1 E1 · Tue, November 17, 2020
1 Wanting more in love (even at the holidays!)
In episode 1 we are sharing stories about how we've worked on wanting a more-than-okay relationship. Joli and Ken talk about how they combined holiday traditions and how hard it has been to make space for each other's wants. This episode turned into a live-troubleshooting session where we took stock of-and then action on- some things that haven't been working. Watch the video version of this episode on YouTube Find more about Project Relationship at www.JoliHamilton.com Follow Joli on Instagram
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