The Emil Show - All Things Relational
Get ready to transform your life through the power of relationship skills. The quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships. But what is it that determines the strength or quality of relationships? For over 20 years Emil has been working in the trenches of relationship recovery and greatness. Developing his own unique conflict resolution style, he empowers people to take charge or their relationships and single handedly bring about desired outcomes. This show cuts through the fluffy stuff and gets to the nitty gritty of what makes a relationship work. He teaches practical tools and principles to...
Thu, October 10, 2024
The Passive Aggressive Response
Dealing with passive aggressive comments are some of the hardest statements to respond to. Using the "translation" process it helps us protect our boundaries from these hurtful comments without creating a fight. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, June 17, 2024
Closing the Emotional Gap
What is emotional connection? Why does it often decrease over time in relationships and how can we get it back ? Emotional connection or intimacy is sometimes hard to describe, but it's easy to know when it's gone. In this episode, Emil discusses the pattern of decreasing emotional investment in relationships and how to turn things around. Creating shared emotional experiences is the key to connection. Emotional intimacy is the attunement and resonation of our emotional experiences. When emotions are understood and validated, they become a shared experience. Below is an exercise to sharpen skills needed for emotional intimacy. Learn to share emotions: Identify an emotion. Use an emotions chart or feelings wheel to pick an emotion. Look up what that emotion means. Share a story that makes that emotion make sense. Learn to identify the emotions of your partner: When your partner is speaking, look for the emotions they are expressing. Try to recognize the emotion in the story and then share with your partner. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, June 03, 2024
The Happiness Dilemma
Is happiness really a choice? What role should your partner play in your happiness? In this episode, Emil describes the roles and responsibilities we have as individuals and as partners regarding happiness. He explains why taking responsibility for your partner’s happiness can lead to an amazing marriage. But what if your partner is never happy regardless of your efforts? What if they don’t try to make you happy? Emil discusses the role of personal responsibility and when it may be time to change your circumstances. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, May 20, 2024
The Secret to Marital Bliss)
What is the secret to a great marriage? This is the most frequent question that I receive. The answer is simple: seeking, receiving, and responding to feedback. In this episode, I share how feedback is the key to true closeness. I explain why the purpose of marriage is growth and becoming our best selves, not comfort and convenience. Feedback Check-In 1. I am working on __________. 2. On a scale of 1-10, how am I doing on _________? 3. What can I do to move that number closer to 10? 4. What else can I do to make to make you (my partner) feel love and like a priority? For a copy of Emil’s Feedback Check-In handout, email him at emil@emilharker.com Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, May 06, 2024
Digging up the past
What are the rules about bringing things up from the past? In relationships, partners often bring up the past during arguments in the present. Why does this happen, when is it legitimate, and how do we handle it? In this episode, Emil answers all these questions and more. Why do people bring up past events: 1. They are unsure of how to communicate their feelings of disappointment in the present and use past events or behaviors to support, intensify, or accentuate the expression of their current feelings. Using past events in this way is an attempt to gain understanding from their partner but is not legitimate and not effective. 2. The past behavior is unresolved. Resolving an issue requires creating a specific plan of action and following through on that plan. If a partner is pointing out a behavior that is ongoing, it is a legitimate reason to bring up the past and can be addressed by properly resolving the issue at hand. When the past is brought up, how do you respond? If your partner is bringing up the past, ask them, “Are you bringing this up from the past because it’s something that you think is a pattern (and hasn’t been resolved), or are you just having a hard time letting me know how disappointed you are in this moment?” If it’s a pattern, take the time to resolve it. If it is the latter, listen to your partner and validate their feelings. After they feel heard, ask if your partner is willing to hear your why. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, April 22, 2024
If You Follow All the "Reel" Advice, You May Find Yourself With REAL Problems
It's vital to be critical about any marriage advice you find online. Here's how to ensure you're getting good, reliable information: 1. Source Credibility: Reputable Websites: Focus on sites run by mental health professionals, relationship therapists, or established organizations dedicated to marriage and family wellness. Look for websites with ".org," ".gov," or ".edu" domains. Examples include: The Gottman Institute ( https://www.gottman.com/ ) American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy ( https://www.aamft.org/ ) Author Qualifications: Is the advice written by a licensed therapist, counselor, or someone with relevant credentials and experience in relationships? Avoid advice from vague or unnamed sources. 2. Look for Evidence-Based Recommendations: Research-backed: Good advice should be based on established psychological principles and research findings, not just personal opinions. Look for references to studies or reputable sources. Avoid Generalizations: Be wary of advice that makes sweeping statements or offers one-size-fits-all solutions. Relationships are complex and nuanced. 3. Consider Your Unique Circumstances: Context is Key: Your relationship dynamics, personalities, and challenges are unique. Advice that worked for someone else may not be the best fit for you. Gut Feeling: If something doesn't feel right or sounds too extreme, trust your instincts. Don't feel pressured to follow advice that makes you uncomfortable. 4. Seek Multiple Perspectives: Don't Rely on a Single Source: Get information from a variety of reputable websites, books, or even discussions with trusted friends and family members. Professional Counsel: If you're facing serious issues, consider talking to a licensed marriage and family therapist. They can provide personalized guidance based on your specific situation. 5. Red Flags to Watch Out For: Promises of Quick Fixes: Relationships take work; be skeptical of advice claiming to solve all your problems overnight. Extremes: Beware of advice that promotes all-or-nothing thinking, encourages you to cut off communication, or suggests controlling behaviors. Harmful or Abusive: Reject any advice that advocates for emotionally or physically harmful actions. Additional Tips: Frame Questions Carefully: When searching online, be specific about your relationship challenges. This will help you find more targeted advice. Use Discernment: Keep a healthy skepticism, and filter advice through your own judgment and awareness of your relationship. Remember: Even the best advice online is no substitute for open communication with your partner. Building a strong marriage involves honest
Mon, March 25, 2024
The Sultan's Seven Secrets with Jeff D Buehner
Are you tired of chasing the life you want? Do you wish there was a way to make your dreams a reality? In this episode, Emil interviews Jeff D Buehner, author of The Sultan's Seven Secrets. Jeff shares how he came across an ancient manuscript that changed his life (and inspired the story of Aladdin and the Magic Lamp ) . By using imagination to change the way we feel, we can actually affect our physical selves in significant ways. In fact, the only language our bodies understand is the language of feelings. Jeff shares his personal story and explains how to use this powerful tool in everyday life. Download the audiobook for free at Sultan's 7 Secrets on his website The 7 Secrets It's important to note these are Buehner's interpretation and not a direct historical record of Musa's teachings: 1. The Power of the Dream: Envision your ideal life in vivid detail. 2. Supreme Self-Confidence: Cultivate unshakable belief in yourself. 3. The Written Goal: Put your dreams to paper with clarity. 4. Emotional Mastery: Understand and harness the power of your feelings. 5. Unwavering Faith: Connect with the power of the universe and a higher purpose. 6. The Power of Giving: Embrace generosity as a path to abundance. 7. Living in the Now: Focus on the present moment and gratitude. Mansa Musa's True Legacy While his exact success formulas are unknown, here's what IS known about this fascinating ruler: · Incredible Wealth: He controlled huge gold supplies, and his spending was legendary. · Devout Muslim: His pilgrimage to Mecca showcased both his wealth and piety. · Promotion of Education: He built universities and centers of learning, like the famous Sankore Madrasah in Timbuktu. The Takeaway While we may never know Sultan Musa's precise "7 Secrets", his life inspires us toward the pursuit of greatness, generosity, and a strong faith in achieving our goals. Buehner's work offers a creative and modern take on the potential wisdom this historical figure held. .com Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, March 11, 2024
Relationships Matter: Health, Happiness, and the Senior Years
In this insightful episode, Emil welcomes his son, Hunter Harker, to discuss the crucial role relationships play in the overall well-being of seniors. Hunter draws from his inspiring talk to explore how strong social bonds directly contribute to both physical and mental health, particularly as we age. Key Points: Why Relationships Matter (Especially for Seniors): Hunter delves into the unique challenges seniors may face, including loneliness, isolation, and changing social circles. He explains how these factors can contribute to health risks and decreased quality of life. Overcoming Barriers: Hunter offers powerful tools to help seniors and their loved ones overcome obstacles to connection. He emphasizes the importance of: Vulnerability: Being open and honest about feelings and needs. Empathy: Understanding the perspectives of others. Accountability: Taking responsibility for our part in relationships. Building Better Bonds: Hunter provides actionable tips for fostering meaningful connections, whether with family, friends, or within a senior community. He encourages listeners to prioritize quality time, shared activities, and open communication. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, February 26, 2024
Crossover with the "Just Love Them" Podcast
In this episode, Emil is interviewed by Shiree Best on her podcast, Just Love Them . What do you do when your kids are making poor choices? Do you tighten the reigns and set additional boundaries? Emil shares his method of using connection during these challenging situations. This method can change brain chemistry in a way that allows for curiousity instead of anxiety. He explains how to use faith, not fear, to create a dialogue that bonds. Step One: Understand the crap out of them! Step Two: Ask if they are open to hearing a different perspective. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, February 12, 2024
The Power of Validation
We may not be able to control the actions or feelings of others, but we can't deny our influence on them. In this episode, Emil explains how to maximize that influence. He shares the key to creating safety through listening and understanding and why it's important to be seen as a reasonable person. How to " understand the crap out of someone ": 1. Understand their perspective and the story behind that perspective. By doing this you can understand their feelings. 2. Validate their perspective. Share facts that may validate parts of their story. If this is not possible, validate the feelings behind their story. Make sure to check out Emil's book for corporate training, Confidence in Conflict- Helping businesses turn breakdowns into breakthroughs. For more on how to successfully navigate disagreements (and potentially change someone's mind) listen to Emil's episode, " Keeping Your Cool (and Your Friends) During an Election Year " Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, January 29, 2024
Keeping your Cool (And your friends) During an Election Year
Do you avoid discussing controversial topics with friends and family? Do conversations often get heated and uncomfortable? In this episode, Emil shares an effective communication tool that helps to turn moments of difference into moments of connection and growth. He uses 5 phrases to facilitate a productive conversation. These phrases allow you to be assertive, share your opinion, and potentially open a previously closed mind. 5 Phrases to Disagree without being Disagreeable 1- Question 2- Objection 3- Permission 4- Clarification 5- Declaration Disagreeing without being disagreeable is all about striking a balance between expressing your own opinion and respecting the other person's perspective. Here are some tips: Mind your tone: · Use "I" statements: Frame your disagreement around your own thoughts and feelings. Instead of saying "You're wrong," try "I see things differently," or "I understand your point, but I'm concerned about..." · Focus on the issue, not the person: Avoid personal attacks or blaming language. Keep the conversation focused on the topic at hand. · Speak calmly and respectfully: Even if you disagree strongly, avoid raising your voice or using harsh language. Maintaining a calm demeanor fosters a more productive discussion. Practice active listening: · Show genuine interest in the other person's perspective: Try to understand their reasons for thinking the way they do. Ask clarifying questions and avoid interrupting. · Acknowledge their points: Even if you disagree, say something like "I appreciate that you brought up that point," or "That's an interesting perspective I hadn't considered." · Summarize what you heard: To ensure understanding, restate their main points in your own words. This shows you were paying attention and helps prevent misunderstandings. Express your disagreement constructively: · Focus on specific details: Instead of making blanket statements, point out specific aspects of their argument you disagree with. This allows for a more focused discussion. · Offer alternative solutions: Don't just criticize, propose your own ideas or solutions. This shows you're invested in finding a common ground. · Be open to compromise: Remember, the goal is not to win or lose, but to reach a mutually agreeable solution. Be willing to adjust your position based on the discussion. Other tips: · Take breaks if needed: If the conversation gets heated, take a short break to cool down before continuing. · Focus on common ground: Look for areas where you agree, even if they're minor. This can help build rapport and keep the conversation positive. · Know when to agree to disagree: Sometimes, it's okay to simply agree to disagree. If you've had a respectful discussion and still can't reach a consensus, it's better to move on t
Mon, January 15, 2024
What is the Difference between Codependent and Interdependent?
What’s the difference between codependency and interdependence in relationships? Codependency Definition: An unhealthy reliance on another person for emotional or physical needs to the point of sacrificing one's own well-being. Key characteristics: Extreme focus on the other person's problems and needs Difficulty setting boundaries Fear of abandonment or rejection Enabling destructive behaviors Low self-esteem and self-worth Difficulty expressing feelings and needs Feeling responsible for others' happiness Difficulty making independent decisions Interdependency Definition: A healthy balance of dependence and independence in a relationship, where partners support each other while maintaining their individuality. Key characteristics: Mutual respect and understanding Strong communication skills Ability to express feelings and needs Healthy boundaries Trust and support Ability to function independently Balance of power and responsibility Shared goals and values Growth and change are encouraged Characteristics of Codependent People (from Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More ) 1) Caretaking 2) Low Self-Worth 3) Denial 4) Poor Boundaries 5) Obsession and Dependency 6) Control (trying to control others) 7) Communication difficulties 8) Issues with intimacy Steps to Take if You are Codependent 1) Figure out what you want. 2) Start doing what you need to do to meet those objectives. This builds self-love and makes it easier to set healthy boundaries. 3) Get help. ( Check out Emil’s program on Conflict Resolution ) Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, January 01, 2024
Self-Love Is More Than Bubble Baths
Social media and popular psychology have skewed the way we think about self-love. It is more complex than simply relaxing or taking time for yourself. Self-love is the purest form of positive regard you have for yourself. Our relationships with ourselves are made up of both how we talk to and care for ourselves. In this episode, Emil discusses the many facets of self-love and how to obtain it. Formula for Self-Talk - P.S.E. Positive Supportive Encouraging Building Self-Love 1) Gain self- awareness (know the many parts of you and what you need) 2) Take charge. The “self” must take charge in meeting needs. 3) Be consistent in identifying and meeting your needs. This builds confidence and self-respect, which leads to self-love. Check out Emil’s You 2.0 Workbook Book mentioned: The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work by Shawn Achor Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, December 18, 2023
How to Navigate Pitfalls and Avoid Heartache in Dating pt. 2
Dating can be a challenging and stressful process. People often don’t know what to look for in a potential partner. In this episode, Emil resumes the discussion on how to find a successful relationship. He shares the list provided by ChatGPT, explains what he feels is absent from the list, and gives advice on avoiding heartbreak. Requirements for a Successful Relationship: 1. Know yourself 2. Communication skills 3. Emotional intelligence 4. Patience and timing 5. Compatibility and shared values 6. Trust and honesty 7. Independence and boundaries 8. A willingness to grow and adapt 9. Conflict resolutions skills 10. Realistic expectations 11. Self-care and personal growth 12. Understand the love languages 13. Fun and friendship 14. Seeking help when needed 15. Respect and kindness Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, December 04, 2023
How to Navigate Pitfalls and Avoid Heartache in Dating pt. 1
Are you looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with? Are you wondering where to begin or how to find a good match? In this episode, Emil answers these questions and shares ChatGPT’s 15 things you need for a successful relationship. Requirements for a Successful Relationship: 1. Know yourself 2. Communication skills 3. Emotional intelligence 4. Patience and timing 5. Compatibility and shared values 6. Trust and honesty 7. Independence and boundaries 8. A willingness to grow and adapt 9. Conflict resolutions skills 10. Realistic expectations 11. Self-care and personal growth 12. Understand the love languages 13. Fun and friendship 14. Seeking help when needed 15. Respect and kindness Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, November 20, 2023
Overcoming Addiction with Schedule
Set realistic goals. It is important to set realistic goals for yourself when you are trying to overcome addiction. Don't try to quit all at once, as this can be overwhelming and lead to relapse. Instead, set smaller, more achievable goals for yourself, such as reducing your intake of the addictive substance or activity by a certain amount each week. Make time for activities that you enjoy. One of the best ways to overcome addiction is to find healthy activities that you enjoy and make time for them in your schedule. This could include spending time with friends and family, exercising, pursuing hobbies. Avoid triggers. Triggers are things that can set off your cravings for the addictive substance or activity. It is important to identify your triggers and avoid them as much as possible. This may mean changing your routine, avoiding certain places, or spending time with people who don't use the addictive substance or activity. Seek support. It is important to have support from others when you are trying to overcome addiction. This could include family, friends, therapists, or support groups. Support from others can help you stay motivated and on track. Be patient. Recovery is a process, and it takes time. Don't get discouraged if you slip up along the way. Just keep at it and you will eventually reach your goal. Writing an Accountability Letter Step 1: Define the accountability The first step is to clearly define what the individual or team is accountable for. This should be a specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) objective. For example, an accountability letter for a sales manager might state that the manager is accountable for increasing sales by 10% in the next quarter. Step 2: Identify the stakeholders Once the accountability has been defined, the next step is to identify all of the stakeholders who are involved in achieving the objective. This could include managers, team members, customers, and others. It is important to make sure that all of the stakeholders are aware of the accountability and are on board with the plan. Step 3: Outline the action plan The action plan is a detailed description of how the individual or team will achieve the objective. It should include specific steps, timelines, and milestones. The action plan should be realistic and achievable, and it should be aligned with the overall business goals. Step 4: Establish metrics for success Metrics are a way to measure progress towards the objective. The metrics should be specific, measurable, and relevant to the objective. For example, a sales manager might use metrics such as sales revenue, customer satisfaction, and market share to track progress. Step 5: Communicate the accountability letter The accountability letter should be communicated to all of the stakeholders.
Mon, November 06, 2023
Navigating Pornography with your Partner
Your partner is using pornography, now what? The strength of a relationship is not determined by whether pornagraphy is present, but by how it's navigated within the relationship. Pornagraphy use can cause shame, secrecy, and dishonesty. This can lead to feelings of betrayal and cause distance between partners. Emil explains how to regain closeness through open and effective communication, Questions to Explore as a Couple: - What is your definition of pornography as a couple? - What are the rules and roles of your sexual relationship? - What role does each partner play? - Where does pornography fit? Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, October 23, 2023
5 Myths about pornography
Why do men watch porn? Misconceptions about pornography use can be damaging to relationships. They affect how men and women view themselves and each other. This can cause unnecessary pain and distance in relationships. Emil shares 5 myths, then explains what really leads to pornography use. 5 Myths about why men view pornography: 1. Not getting enough sex 2. Not being attracted to their partner 3. Men are visual creatures 4. Men are naturally more promiscuous 5. It's MEN that look at porn Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, October 09, 2023
An Affair Has Happened....Now what?!
What do you do after an affair is revealed? How do you get the marriage back on track and rebuild trust? One of the best places to start is with a disclosure statement. To trust, there must be understanding. A disclosure statement is given by the person who betrayed, to the person they betrayed. It provides clarity and understanding about what happened and why. This is not always easy and often takes a great deal of self-reflection by the betrayer. However, understanding the thoughts, behaviors, and events that led to the affair provides an opportunity to address those things in therapy and within the relationship. Instead of saying, "I don't know why it happened," a disclosure statement provides hope to the person that has been betrayed that trust can be regained. Tips for writing a relational disclosure statement after an affair has occurred: Be honest and transparent. This is the most important thing. Your partner deserves to know the truth about what happened, even if it is painful. Be specific. Don't just say that you had an affair. Tell your partner who the affair partner was, how long the affair lasted, and what happened during the affair. Be remorseful. Let your partner know that you are truly sorry for what you did and that you understand how it has hurt them. Be committed to repair. Your partner needs to know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that you have broken. In addition to these general tips, there are a few specific things that you should include in your relational disclosure statement: The identity of the affair partner. Your partner has the right to know who the person was that you betrayed them with. The duration of the affair. How long did the affair last? The nature of the affair. Was it a physical affair, an emotional affair, or both? How often you met with the affair partner. Whether you had sex with the affair partner. If so, how many times? Whether you used protection. This is important for your partner's health and well-being. Whether you told the affair partner about your relationship status. Whether you lied to your partner about the affair. If so, be honest about how often you lied and what you lied about. Why you had the affair. It's important to understand your own motivations so that you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. What steps you have taken to end the affair. This could include cutting off contact with the affair partner, blocking them on social media, and changing your phone number. What steps you are taking to repair the relationship. This could include going to couples counseling, reading books about infidelity, or making changes to your lifestyle. It is important to note that you should not write your relational disclosure statement in a vacuum. It is i
Mon, September 11, 2023
5 Phrases to Unlock a Closed Mind
"I'm curious to hear your perspective." This shows that you are open to learning new things and that you value the other person's opinion. "Can you help me understand why you believe that?" This asks for clarification and shows that you are trying to see things from the other person's point of view. "What evidence do you have to support that?" This challenges the other person to think critically about their beliefs and to provide evidence to back them up. "I see things differently." This acknowledges that you have different beliefs, but it doesn't mean that either of you is wrong. "Let's talk about this more." This invites the other person to continue the conversation and to explore their beliefs in more depth. It is important to use these phrases in a respectful and genuine way. If you come across as condescending or argumentative, the other person is likely to become defensive and closed off. Instead, focus on listening to the other person and trying to understand their perspective. Here are some additional tips for unlocking a closed mind: Be patient. It takes time to change someone's mind. Don't expect to see results overnight. Be respectful. Even if you disagree with the other person, it is important to treat them with respect. Be open-minded. Be willing to listen to the other person's point of view and to consider their arguments. Be willing to compromise. If you are both willing to give a little, you may be able to find a solution that works for everyone. Changing someone's mind is not always easy, but it is possible. By using the right phrases and techniques, you can start to open a closed mind and have a productive conversation. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, August 28, 2023
Some Of You MAY Really Dislike This Episode
Sexual intimacy is an important part of a marital relationship for many reasons. It can: Strengthen the bond between partners. Sexual intimacy can help couples feel closer and more connected to each other. It can also be a way for couples to express their love and affection for each other. Increase feelings of happiness and well-being. Sexual intimacy can release endorphins, which have mood-boosting effects. It can also help couples relax and de-stress. Improve physical health. Sexual activity can help to keep the body healthy by reducing stress, improving circulation, and boosting the immune system. Reduce the risk of infidelity. Couples who are sexually satisfied are less likely to seek out sexual satisfaction outside of the relationship. Increase feelings of self-worth. When couples feel desired and appreciated by their partner, it can boost their self-esteem. Of course, sexual intimacy is not the only important part of a marital relationship. Communication, trust, and respect are also essential. But sexual intimacy can be a powerful way to connect with your partner and strengthen your relationship. If you are struggling with sexual intimacy in your marriage, there are things you can do to improve it. Talk to your partner about your needs and desires. Be willing to experiment and try new things. And most importantly, be patient and understanding. It takes time and effort to build a strong sexual relationship. Here are some additional tips for improving sexual intimacy in your marriage: Make time for each other. It's important to make time for sex, even when you're busy. Try to schedule regular "date nights" where you can focus on each other and your relationship. Be romantic. Create a romantic atmosphere in your bedroom by lighting candles, playing soft music, and wearing something sexy. Communicate openly. Talk to your partner about what you like and don't like in bed. Be honest about your needs and desires. Be patient and understanding. It takes time and effort to build a strong sexual relationship. Don't get discouraged if things don't improve overnight. If you are still struggling with sexual intimacy in your marriage, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can help you and your partner communicate better about your needs and desires, and develop strategies for improving your sexual relationship. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, August 14, 2023
Be a Fly on the Wall
If you have ever wondered what a counseling session is like with me, or even just how counseling works, this episode is for you. Listen as I walk alongside with Mark and Jenn in an ACTUAL counseling session. The "Rock" of your Priorites The idea that priorities are rocks and the rest of our life is sand is a metaphor for the importance of focusing on the most important things in our lives. If we try to fit everything into our lives, we will end up feeling overwhelmed and stressed. But if we focus on our priorities, we can make more progress and have a more fulfilling life. The rocks in this metaphor represent the things that are most important to us, such as our relationships, our health, and our spiritual development. The sand represents the other things in our lives, such as our work, our hobbies, and our entertainment. If we try to fit everything into our lives, we will end up with a jar that is full of sand. The rocks will not be able to fit in, and we will end up feeling stressed and overwhelmed. But if we focus on our priorities, we can put the rocks in first, and then we will have room for the sand. This metaphor can help us to prioritize our time and energy. When we are faced with a decision about how to spend our time, we can ask ourselves, "Is this a rock or is this sand?" If it is a rock, then it is something that we should make time for. If it is sand, then it is something that we can let go of. Prioritizing our time and energy can help us to live more fulfilling lives. When we focus on our priorities, we are able to make more progress towards our goals and we are able to experience more joy. We also have more energy to give to the people and things that matter most to us. Here are some tips for prioritizing your life: Identify your priorities. What are the most important things to you? What do you want to achieve in your life? Make a list of your priorities. This will help you to visualize what you want to achieve and to make sure that you are staying on track. Prioritize your time. Decide how much time you want to spend on each of your priorities. Set goals for yourself. This will help you to stay motivated and to track your progress. Take action. Don't just make a list of your priorities and then forget about it. Take action and start working towards your goals. Be flexible. Things will change, so be prepared to adjust your priorities as needed. Don't be afraid to say no. It's okay to say no to things that are not a priority for you. Prioritizing your life is not always easy, but it is worth it. When you focus on your priorities, you are able to live a more fulfilling life. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, July 31, 2023
How Much Drama Is TOO MUCH Drama?
A toxic relationship is when two people in a relationship become reactive to each other's reactions, also known as a defensive-defensive cycle. They are unwilling or unable to keep their composure in certain situations without becoming defensive. Having the right tools can help to get out of toxic moments. But we need to be able to identify those moments. 5 Personality traits that contribute to toxic relationships: 1. Strong mismatched attachment styles (see podcast on attachment styles for more information) 2. Borderline personality features 3. Narcissistic personality disorder traits 4. Codependency 5. Lack of skills 5 components that contribute to a toxic relationship: 1. Lack of respect 2. Constant conflict 3. Control and manipulation 4. Lack of support 5. Emotional and/or physical abuse Improving a toxic relationship: 1. Focus on understanding your partner instead of defending yourself. 2. Write down your triggers and prepare desired responses for when these triggers occur. 3. Seek help from a trusted therapist. Taking control of how we show up in a relationship allows for change in the relationship itself. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, July 17, 2023
A Relationship Can Change Overnight; For Better or For Worse
Emil speaks to Lisa. Lisa’s 16 year old step son recently moved in her her and her husband. It has dramatically changed her dynamic with her husband and she is looking for ways to communicate the may improve the situation. 1) Determine desired outcome 2) Identify expectations 4 statements of conflict: criticisms, questions, declarations, commands How to avoid defensiveness in conversation: 1) Share feelings and reasons 2) Put yourself in the other’s shoes 3) Check in Once there is understanding and connections, you can shift to, “so what should we do about it?” Register for Parent Tactics Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, July 03, 2023
Design the Type of Marriage YOU Want
Designing your marriage is the process of intentionally creating the kind of marriage you want. It's about setting goals, communicating openly, and working together to build a strong and lasting relationship. Save 50% on Marriage Makeover Gold Package There are many different aspects to designing your marriage, but some of the most important include: Communicating effectively. This means being able to share your thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful way. It also means being able to listen to your partner's thoughts and feelings without judgment. Setting realistic expectations. It's important to have realistic expectations about what marriage will be like. No relationship is perfect, and there will be ups and downs. But if you have realistic expectations, you'll be less likely to be disappointed. Agreeing on values and goals. What's important to you in life? What are your goals for the future? It's important to discuss these things with your partner and make sure you're on the same page. Being willing to compromise. No two people are exactly alike, so there will be times when you need to compromise. This doesn't mean giving up on your own needs, but it does mean being willing to meet your partner halfway. Making time for each other. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, but it's important to make time for each other. Go on dates, talk about your day, and just enjoy each other's company. Designing your marriage takes time and effort, but it's worth it. By intentionally creating the kind of marriage you want, you can increase your chances of having a happy and fulfilling relationship. Here are some additional tips for designing your marriage: Read books and articles about marriage. There is a wealth of information available about marriage, and reading can help you learn more about what it takes to have a successful relationship. Talk to other couples. Get advice from couples who have been married for a long time. They can share their experiences and offer valuable insights. Attend marriage workshops or counseling. If you're struggling in your marriage, there are resources available to help you. Marriage workshops and counseling can provide you with the tools you need to improve your relationship. Designing your marriage is an ongoing process. It's something you'll need to work on throughout your marriage. But if you're willing to put in the effort, you can create a marriage that is strong, loving, and fulfilling. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, June 19, 2023
Know yourself: Know your attachment style
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Secure attachment: People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable depending on others and trusting them. They are able to express their emotions openly and honestly, and they feel confident that their partners will be there for them when they need them. Anxious attachment: People with an anxious attachment style are often worried about being abandoned or rejected. They may feel a strong need to be close to their partners and may become clingy or demanding. They may also have difficulty trusting their partners and may constantly worry that they are going to be hurt. Avoidant attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style are uncomfortable depending on others and trusting them. They may push their partners away or keep them at a distance. They may also have difficulty expressing their emotions and may feel uncomfortable getting close to others. Disorganized attachment: People with a disorganized attachment style have experienced some kind of trauma or neglect in their early relationships. This can lead to a chaotic and unpredictable pattern of relating to others. They may feel confused and overwhelmed by their emotions, and they may have difficulty trusting others. Attachment style is not set in stone and can change over time. It can also be influenced by our experiences in our adult relationships. If you are struggling with your attachment style, there are things you can do to improve it. Therapy can be helpful in understanding your attachment style and learning how to develop more secure relationships. Here are some tips for improving your attachment style: Be aware of your attachment style. The first step to improving your attachment style is to become aware of it. Pay attention to how you feel in relationships and how you interact with your partner. Challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs. If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, you may have negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and others. Challenge these thoughts and beliefs by focusing on the positive aspects of yourself and your relationships. Practice self-soothing. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may have difficulty regulating your emotions. Practice self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, to help you calm down when you are feeling anxious. Communicate with your partner. Talk to your partner about your attachment style and how it affects your relationship. Be honest about your needs and how you can best be supported. Be patient. It takes time to change your attachment style. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work together to improve your relationship. Get your own copy of - <a href='https://www.emilharker.com/new-free-book-3e525c6
Mon, June 05, 2023
3 Actionable Steps to Thrive Not Just Survive
Today is part II of the conversation with my son, Hunter Harker. Hunter continues his in-depth explanation of our evolutionary biology and why act the way do. Our brain’s survival mechanisms are sabotaging our ability to communicate rationally and with empathy. Hunter teaches us to overcome these survival impulses and regain our security, self-love, and ultimately our ability to connect with others. 1. Take care of yourself physically. Treat yourself as if you were a close friend or family member that you care deeply for. Sometimes we can get lost in the following cycle. How people treat us determines how we view ourselves. How we view ourselves influences how we act. Finally, how we act influences how people treat us. By choosing to treat ourselves as though we love ourselves, we can stop the cycle. 2. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. When our lizard brain tells us that something is threatening our love-ability, don’t accept it as truth. Accountability and humility increase love-ability, not perfection. 3. Limit easy dopamine. Reduce habits that release dopamine but do not increase your quality of life. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, May 22, 2023
Your Brain May be Working Against You
Today Emil interviews his son, Hunter Harker. Hunter is a college student and trainer for the Residential Treatment Center Parent Program. He explains the neurobiology of defensiveness and insecurity. Our brains have evolved to help us survive, but they have not adapted to the modern world. The primal part of the brain is hijacking our logic and empathy with even the smallest perceived threat. By fully understanding what is happening in the mind and body, and why, we can take steps to address the thoughts and reactions that no longer serve us. This allows for effective communication and the opportunity to connect with those around us. Here are some tips for controlling your lizard brain: Be aware of your emotions. When you feel yourself getting angry or scared, take a deep breath and try to calm down. Think before you act. Don't let your emotions control you. Take some time to think about the consequences of your actions before you do anything. Use relaxation techniques. Practicing relaxation techniques such as meditation or yoga can help to calm the lizard brain. Talk to someone. If you're struggling to control your lizard brain, talk to a therapist or counselor. They can help you develop strategies for managing your emotions. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, May 08, 2023
Your Marriage is Your Fault
YOU are the reason your relationship is the way it is. This may be hard to hear, but taking ownership gives you the power to create change. Instead of feeling like a victim of your circumstances, what can you do to change the dynamic? Here are a few things: 1. Put your partner’s desires before your own. 2. Utilize the power of validation. 3. Talk about what you DO want in the relationship. Remember, what you put up with, you end up with. Get a FREE copy of my book- The Power of One Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy SEALs Lead and Win by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, April 24, 2023
10 Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know
Treat marriage like an organism not a piece of paper. Treat marriage like a business. Unconditional Love is marriage cancer - Wanting to be loved unconditionally is destructive. Being Defensive is completely biological -. Dichotomies that polarize explains a lot of the conflict- Some people choose peace over closeness, and fear vulnerability that desire intimacy. Being pursued creates security. The feeling of relational Security is the result of being pursued not being in control. If you aren’t being pursued, find out if there is anything that you are doing or not doing that makes it hard for your partner to pursue you. Then after you address that issue before you start giving helpful suggestions for them to love you better, find out if they want to know how to help you feel more loved. Be careful not to just assume. Some people instead of appreciating knowing how to better love you feel beat up or criticized because they aren’t enough. Communicating to understand is more powerful than communicating to be understood. The “in-love feeling” that is so wonderful is a learned art, not the result of how amazing your partner is. Two things that women don’t even know about their own sexual desire. a) Women who are in the raising young children have higher levels of prolactin and high levels of prolactin decrease sexual desire. Women’s sexual desire is buried under layers of emotional closeness, comfort, trust, and arousal. Take the lead and trust that the juices will flow. Men inadvertently kill women sex drive. Men can focus on creating a connection, trust, and then put your flirt on! Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, April 10, 2023
Relational Dysphoria: How One Person Can Change the Relationship
Dysphoria is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. It is the semantic opposite of euphoria. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation. 1. Keep exploring more ways to create change 2. Embrace those things that will not change by finding meaning and value in how you are growing as a person 3. Change directions. By ending the relationship with love and acceptance and support for the other person. If you can't do number three - See steps 1 and 2. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, March 27, 2023
Reading, Thinking, Applying, Writing
Excerpts from an email I recently received: I really appreciate the free copy of Confidence in Conflict. Ironically, the very day it arrived, I was negotiating a deal with some investors from London and their main guy got really upset with me because I was wearing my attorney hat and putting legal protections into an agreement between us, and he stated that I didn't understand how business was done and was not being a good partner. I noticed his criticism/declaration, felt my defensiveness get triggered, and then made the conscious decision to agree with the elements of truth and capture the emotion in his statements, and it worked like a freaking charm! And I thought "hmmm, I bet I can use the principles from Conflict into Closeness in business, too" and THEN your book arrived! Some questions for you. · Podcast: How do you Rebuild after Infidelity? · You state: If a spouse decides they are not going to share something with the other partner, that is pulling away. o What about when our brains do silly stupid insecure things? And what about having other support systems? What about not having or putting all of our emotional needs on to one person? o What about when difficult for our spouse to hold neutral understanding space for us because they have a tendency to internalize our thoughts or feelings? Podcast: Hole in the Sidewalk . "We want to change people so they can better meet our needs, and if you don't complain, you don't care", but where is the personal responsibility for meeting our own needs? o Also, what about unconditional love, where we accept others exactly as they are and don't need them to change in order for us to be OK? Where we accept our partner "as a real person with real struggles . . . that doesn't depend on the perfect approach?" Podcast: Interviewer becomes Interviewee: o You say that patterns of behavior do not lie, but what interpretation do we put on top of patterns of behavior? Should we assume good intent or should we assume negative intent? What lens ought we we use? o You say: "I will take to heart what someone tells me if they know me, they care about me, and they are kind." OK, but don't you say to find the element of truth in what people are saying, regardless of how they are saying it? o You also say, "it is not about what is true, it is about what is right!" Really? So when my partner is hostile toward me and is upset, I can say that I am just not going to accept anything she is saying because it's not right the way she is talking to me? That seems to contradict your book - and I guarantee you it will not turn conflict into closeness - it will turn Conflict Into Catastrophe™! EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SIR!!! :) o "When someone is being a jerk, they are being a jerk". But what about assuming good intent? Maybe they AREN'T being a jerk, but instead, are expressing their hurt/pain in
Mon, March 13, 2023
You know you’re a narcissist when you
1. Lie about things to inflate your image then justify it to yourself as “true enough.” 2. Are extremely confident but get defensive quickly and intensely when blamed or criticized 3. Justify, rationalize, or minimize anything to make wrong things sound right or to make your behavior sound reasonable or normal 4. Think the rules don’t apply to you or that you are an exception 5. Have huge plans and make huge promises and justify them based on your belief in yourself 6. Don’t respect other people’s boundaries 7. Frequently complain about other people 8. Have difficulty saying your sorry without a desperate need to explain yourself 9. Rarely take feedback from others 10. Prefer to figure things out on your own 11. Believe that you are different (with superiority), and you say it 12. Invest significant time, energy, and resources into your appearance 13. See relationships as a net gain opportunity 14. Mention your good deeds frequently 15. Confuse secrecy with privacy 16. Become kind and “love bomb” instead of apologizing 17. Become preoccupied with things, status, and success at the expense of relationships Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, February 27, 2023
The 4 Steps to Overcome Insecurities
We all feel insecurities. ALL OF US. The limit us. Hold us back. Make us question our value. But what if we could overcome those feelings - or at very least deal with them in a way that we can manage them? 4 Steps to Overcome Insecurities Define the situation that makes you feel a certain way How do you WANT to feel in that situation What would you have to believe to feel the feels in the situation What thoughts would you have what actions if you believed what you believed and felt what you felt? It is possible. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, February 13, 2023
BEWARE: The Hole in the Sidewalk
The only person you can control is yourself? False How do we make in an impact? What can we do to lead a better life and influence those around us to do so as well? There is a hole in the sidewalk. Someone should put a sign, some tape, a barricade to make sure people don’t fall in the hole. You would never walk right into the hole...or would you?! How often do we put ourselves into a situation where we exclaim “I can’t believe it” or “This happens every time” – Doing the same actions and expecting a different result – Delusional. Listen to how YOU can avoid falling in the hole in the sidewalk. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, January 30, 2023
The Parable of the White Carpet
Boundaries can be used as a weapon of manipulation. (Bad use of Boundaries) Boundaries are the rules that help me keep in what I want in my life and out of my life what I don’t want. Boundaries are an invitation NOT an expectation. The parable of the white carpet You invite your friend to come over and see your new home. They bring your favorite drink. They arrive with mud all over their shoes and the decision is made at the threshold (boundary) Will they accept your invitation to remove their shoes and experience all that the soft white carpet has to offer on their feet OR Will you allow them entry without accept your invitation to remove their shoes creating a mess of your carpet? Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, January 16, 2023
When someone you love leaves
When someone we love leaves it is often pain and panic that determine our actions. How do we engage in conversation during the pain and the panic? What do we do? 1. Decide what we want from the situation 2. Work to support the idea that people get to choose whatever they will choose 3. Take time to listen. Validate and Listen – Listening does not equal agreement 4. When we are trying to change other people it is just us trying to change things so they will be comfortable for us 5. Ask if they are open to a different point of view or feedback. 6. Don’t “Should Them” 7. It’s okay not to agree as you make your way through complicated times 8. We get to choose how we engage the situation Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, January 02, 2023
The Interviewer becomes the interviewee
My friend Christine from the Shit Behind the Show Podcast had some pretty bold statments about my book " You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness ." There were some things I wanted to get clarity on, some things I wasn't sure I understood what she meant, and still some other stuff I just wanted to talk more about. What do I have to choose between our forever and our for right now? What does what other people say about you mean about you? How do you know you are ready to be put yourself out there again? Get a copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, December 19, 2022
Comparison is a thief!
They say comparison is the thief of joy. But it is also the thief of peace, stillness, and self-esteem as well. In a world where we are able to access the curated lives of those around us it is easy to fall in to a "I don't have enough/I will never have enough attitude. " So... What can we do about it? We can look at others and their lives quarterly (Small permission granted) and then move and look at our own life. Where we have been. Where we are now. Where we wanna. We can lead the life we wanna live IF we can just keep ourselves focused on our own lives and our journeys. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, December 05, 2022
How can you truly re-build after infidelity?
Just as counselors have to search/learn/find the therapies that they will work with each individual clients, clients need to find the right therapist/therapy that will work for them individually. Important Takeaway: Find the therapy that works for you. Book Recommendation: Dr Gottman " The Science of Trust " Attunement is the desire and the ability to understand and respect your partner's inner world. The process of deeper understanding is the medicine that heals the pain and the betrayal of infidelity. Making your relationship less of a priority is the first step toward infidelity and can only be cured with true connection and vulnerability. Walk along with Mary and Emil to learn what you can do to push through infidelity to a better and more open relationship. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, November 21, 2022
Can unconditional love leave us unfulfilled?
You can love someone unconditionally and be absolutely unfulfilled. What are the goals that you and your partner have for your marriage? What are your responsibilities to reach that goal and what are your partners? Can we have influence with another person and not be controlling or try and have influence OVER another person? Ultimately, It comes down to - Is this something we can communicate through and find ourselves on the other side of the conflict OR is it possible that the issue is a non-negotiable/deal breaker? Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, November 07, 2022
Can you be your true self in a relationship?
Loving someone for who they are is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person AND equally there is no greater feeling than knowing you are loved for exactly who/how you are. People are constantly changing but there is a difference between who you are as a person and what you are evolving into and changing yourself for your partner. Rule #1 I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with me. Rule #2 If I'm not true to me - I'm not being true to anyone Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, October 24, 2022
Dating for the Nice Guy (Girl)
Do you fall in love too easy? Once you are in a relationship do you invest EVERYTHING just to keep the relationship together? How often are you heartbroken because those feelings aren't reciprocated? Cody and Emil jump headlong into the "Law of Reciprocity" and how it applies to dating. You'll learn when to "Cool your jets" and when to "Pour gas on the fire" as you date/court/marry that significant other in your life. Protect your heart and learn to engage in a better way. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Mon, October 10, 2022
How do I bring up a complaint in a productive way?
When you bring something up (complaint) do the people in your life respond by being defensive? You've likely tried the "I" statements - but there is a better way! 4 Steps of Complaining to strengthen the relationship 1. Share my feelings and reasons 2. Use a transition phrase - see it from their point of view 3. Share their feelings and reasons 4. Check-in Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
S1 E4 · Mon, August 23, 2021
TES E.4 - "The 5 Don'ts of Parenting Teens"
I know you love your teenager but what if you learned that what you were doing was making things worse. Here are the most common don'ts that loving parents do, and what we can do instead. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
Wed, August 04, 2021
TES E.3 - How to respond to passive aggressive statements.
You know those moments when someone makes a comment and it stings? It's not a full on conversation but a "drive by" with a one line zinger instead of bullets. Traditionally we either don't say anything and just seethe, or we call the person out on it, but their passivity turns into innocence and denial. So... How do we respond in a way that helps us protect and defend our boundary without being a butt-head? "Translating." Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
S1 E2 · Fri, July 16, 2021
E. 2 Relationship Boundaries and How affairs happen.
How do affairs happen? What are the rules or boundaries for relationships to support trust and it's accompanying vulnerability to instill intimacy? This episode addresses two questions from listeners Kim and Kate about relationship boundaries. There are three risk criteria that make relationships with others vulnerable to developing more than just a friendship: Age range plus or minus 7-10 years. Gender orientation (Gay with Gay, Heterosexual with Heterosexual etc., and attraction. If the "friend" you want is within your age range, attractive and has the same sexual orientation as you - that is a high risk friend. It doesn't mean you can't have that person as a friend but there are things you can do to reduce the likelihood of it developing into a romantic relationship and sabotaging the marriage you have. Then after addressing these questions I go into how affairs start and how they develop. Sharing, leads to caring, caring leads to baring. Relationships either grow or die unless you put strategic limiters in place. And just for good measure, Secrecy vs privacy is addressed. You have relationship questions you want answered email me at emil@emilharker.com! Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
S1 E1 · Fri, June 11, 2021
The Emil Show - E.1
How do I transition from work mode to husband father mode? How do I cope with the sexual abuse my spouse experienced before getting married? What one piece of advice would I give someone that could make all the difference in their marriage? One of my biggest pet peeves in life is that we as a society pay a lot of lip-service to the importance of marriage but we don't do much in terms of preparing people for marriage and training them in marriage. It's easier to get a marriage license than it is to get a drivers license. I'm going to share some ways we can relate better with the people in our lives because the quality of our lives depend on the quality of our relationships. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
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