Today I want to talk about “What You’re Telling Yourself.”

This topic was inspired by one of my coaching clients and something she’s been wrestling with for the past few weeks. 

And as we explored the issue, it brought up so many similar situations that I’ve personally experienced myself or saw others deal with during my career that I just knew I needed to share it with you. I’ve asked her permission and while I won’t divulge the company or her name, she’s excited for what it can do to help others. As we go through this, I think you’ll be able to recognize similar situations that you’ve seen or experienced and hopefully this will give you some fresh perspective on how you might choose to handle it differently the next time.

So, for the last few weeks, one of my clients was dealing with a challenge. For context, she’s a newly promoted senior executive at a mid-sized technology company. And she’s been driving an important new initiative which was her first big priority. 

As part of her strategy development, she ran all the traps, talked to all the right leaders, got their input and factored it in where she could. In doing so, she thought she’d warmed things up and that her discussions would help pave the way for easy buy-in and a seamless rollout. But that’s not what happened.  Instead, she found herself publicly challenged in a meeting with their mutual boss. And she was left feeling undermined and diminished by two different senior leaders.  

She’d talked to both as she was working on her strategy. 

She’d factored in their input to the extent she could and was confident she’d developed an approach. But it wasn’t until she unveiled the plan at the executive leadership meeting that these same two executives raised issues with the initiative. Publicly. In front of their mutual boss. Issues they hadn’t raised when meeting privately with her. 

So instead of celebrating her first big win in her new position, she found herself defending her approach both in that meeting – as the two continued to volley questions and protests at her – and then privately later with her boss, who she felt compelled to reassure that she had spoken to them and factored in their opinions. 

The issue swirled for a few weeks until she finally changed the strategy enough to get agreement from everyone. But because of the way the process went, instead of celebrating her first big win, she came away feeling defeated. Undermined. And honestly, kind of manipulated by her two new peers – both of whom she’d interacted with before her promoted and with whom she thought she had a decent relationship.

As we talked through what happened, and the swirl of thoughts and feelings she was trying to process, it was clear she was focused on telling herself two different things. First, she was blaming her two new peers for undermining her. She’d judged their behavior and had come to the conclusion that they’d undermined her on purpose. So because she thought that, she was FEELING tricked, manipulated and had labeled her colleagues are untrustworthy and deceitful.

And second, she was blaming HERSELF, both for not seeing through their trickery. Because her previous boss who had just left the company, which is what led to her recent promotion, had warned her about them, but she’d always chalked it up to his own shortcomings. In her mind he hadn’t been much of a collaborator, and she considered that one of her own strong suits. So, she’d gone into it with an open mind and w

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