Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal what's been holding you back from having the relationships you deserve. Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face?Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now let's dive in.  Hello everyone, and welcome to episode two of the Speak Honest podcast. Today, we are actually going to have our first coaching call, which is very exciting for me, as this is the main purpose of what I really want to see in this podcast.So today, when you're listening to my coaching call with Jessica, I want you to ask yourself, are you struggling to balance your needs and expectations and your friendships? Because in this episode, we dive deep. Into navigating the complex dynamics of friendships and the imbalanced effort and expectations that can sometimes come with that, but the interesting part and you'll hear is as Jessica is expressing her frustrations and all of the stuff that's going on.I'm actually starting to notice that. There seems to be some needs in her life that are not getting met. And she's having this expectation that this one particular friend is going to meet all of those needs. And so you'll hear as we dive deep, the more that we get into this, the more that Jessica starts to see, Oh, here's where I can actually be doing this.So I don't want to spoil the rest of the episode, but this is just to give you an idea. And you're going to hear, as we're talking, using some phrases and acronyms that you might not be familiar with. So I wanted to let you know, whenever we speak of an F. A., that's a fearful avoidant, or as I sometimes call it, a disorganized attachment.That is the type of attachment style that does the push pull, right? That is the, the disorganized attachment is the attachment style that says the come here, come here, come here, go away. They've had a lot of trauma in their lives, and a lot of times in adult relationships. They're very confused as to what it is that they actually want and they need.And that's why it can be quite hard for a disorganized attachment style to figure this part out. And you'll hear Jessica go through this. We also discuss our wounds and our limited beliefs. And those all we get from PDS and PDS stands for the Personal Development School.  So with all of that said, I think that we are ready to start the coaching call. Great. Hi, Jessica. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. And I'm really excited to get to talk with you today. How are you doing? I'm good. Thank you for having me. Good. Why don't we go ahead and just dive right in? Why don't you tell me about a time that, um, it's either like a goal you want to set or a situation that's been kind of triggering to you recently, and I'd love to try to help you through that.Okay. Awesome. So I wrote a question, so I'll just read it and you can stop me at any point. Some of the, I just kind of start going into example. So if at any point, it's just. I'm just babbling. Just let me know. Great. So my question is like, why do I reject push away or act cold slash distant to the person who I know loves me most, but I crave the person who is stringing me along gaslighting to an extent example, you aggressively demand when I haven't been.You this is the other person saying you aggressively demand things for me when I haven't been aggressive.  When I ask a question, the response is asking why I'm asking that. I will explain why I'm asking, then get an oh, as a response, but never an actual answer to the question. I get asked questions and respond thoughtfully.When I ask the same questions back, I get 1 word or short answers. Example. How was your day? Thoughtful response, but not overwhelming. Then I ask, how was your day? The response is long or busy. And that's it. What are you doing this weekend? Comedy show. What are you doing this weekend? Not a comedy show. I asked then what responses you ask too many questions.So, those are just a couple of examples. And then I also were like, possible bread crumb bread crumbing unknowingly communication is very surface level. Sometimes daily than nothing for a week or a few days if it. If a disagreement is had, it could be longer than reaching out only to say, you still mad when I respond, not mad, just confused.I'll get an, Oh, or no response at all. Then later, maybe a, how's it going? I try to figure out what the need is with this person, what need this person is meeting. And I can't figure it out or why I'm so drawn to them. All right. So let me break this down a little bit with you. So your first bit of that was, why do I reject or push away people that, you know, love you?So that was, like, the 1st part of the question. So, so you're pushing, you're rejecting or you're pushing white people that are actually coming into your life and, like, loving and committed to you. Is that right? That's the 1st part. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I'm more like dismissive towards them, but then I'm more like, anxious and like, craving going towards this.These other people that are just not, which I know are not treating me the way that I deserve to be treated. Oh, well, at first, I think that's just a really, like, beautiful understanding that you have for yourself to, like, to notice that, to, like, see that. So you can tell you're kind of in your next step of healing, where you're like, I'm noticing a thing.I just don't. Necessarily know what to do with that thing yet. So I think that's great. Yeah. Yeah. So then so you're craving. Now, when you talk about you're craving a person, I got the impression that you were talking about 1 person in particular. Is there someone coming up to mind for you when you're thinking about this?Yeah, it's a specific friend that I feel like is is very, I feel they're very dismissive.  But again, I mean, that's me being a. Person on the street, not having a, you know, a degree in this or anything, that's just me thinking that, um, and it's a good friend. We've been friends for a while. I just feel like sometimes it's very, like, the communication in person is, like, very deep and intense, but then, like,  it's just like, very back and forth, I think.And then when it's like, further away, we haven't talked for a while. It's very, just very, like, surface level, I guess is the only way to describe it. Yeah, so when you're together, you're having, like, deep, great, intense, like, emotional connection kind of conversations, but when you're apart, it's not happening as much, and you think that this friend is a little bit more, like, offstandish.Is that right? Yeah, I wouldn't say too much emotion driven, just very,  it's, it's like a deeper conversation. Okay, and what do you mean by deeper, then? So, like, it's not just, like, how is your, like, they'll talk about, like, Emotion, but not their emotions. They'll talk about just emotions in general and how they're not important or how you should control your emotions and things, things like that.But they won't talk about they won't say, like, I feel for there's not it's not their emotions, but they're not personalizing it at all. It's like you guys can get into, like, philosophical conversations together. Yeah. Is that right? Okay, cool. There's not anything quite vulnerable like they're actually to say, like, okay.Okay. Cool. Yeah, that makes sense to an extent. So I know that, you know, about attachment styles and obviously that's what I do as well. Would you mind sharing what you think your attachment style is?  So at first I thought I was anxious, but then the more I got into everything, I think I'm more FA. Yeah.Yeah. And I think I I think I actually took a couple of quizzes this morning, like, in preparation for this, because I figured you would probably ask me that and I came out secure on both of them, but it was, like, just slightly above secure, like, 55, 60 percent secure and then, like, F. A. and.  Um, actually, F. A.was the lowest on the P. D. S. one, but yeah, D. A. was next. So, secure, D. A., anxious, and then F. A. Secure, D. A., anxious, and then F. A. Well, specifically on the personal development school quiz, it's really interesting with that one because F. A. will look low. But if you have any bit of FA, you tend to kind of add in your, um, anxious attachment and your dismissive avoidant kind of to that.And it helps you see, it's a little bit confusing, but that helps you see like, which way do you lean right now? But no, I can definitely see this in you, especially because when you were first talking, you're like saying, I reject people who come towards me and I crave people who go away from me. Hello, typical fearful avoidance, like the most classic thing of all time.Right? Like. It's a consistent, like, um, hypocritical cycle, and I don't say that in like a bad way, of just what an F. A. does, which is like, they're never happy. So it's an interesting part in our healing, because I love how you say that you're kind of mainly secure. And from what I know, and you know, our time we've spent together, I definitely see that, because  you're incredibly intelligent when it comes to knowing this stuff. That little thank you. Yeah. So that little hint that you have underneath, it's just kind of like your old mechanism still kind of popping up a little bit. And so when you have someone like this, like an old friend in your life, and they're kind of treating you in a way it's like, you know, you deserve better.So here's like the 1st step of healing, like, you know, like, that's a great step because some people don't even know that some people are just like, you know, I don't know why I'm upset. And then you can see all the reasons why they're upset. And for you, it's like, Oh, I know exactly why I'm upset. I just don't understand.Like, why do I still crave that then? It's a bit like when we know we shouldn't be having sugar. If we want to be healthier. So why do we keep craving sugar? And so exactly. So for you, why do you think that is like for you? Why do you think someone might still crave sugar? Even though they know in their heart of hearts, it's terrible for them.The first thing that comes to mind is like an addiction of some sort. Like. Something  like when, when you get that sugar, something in your body is, is saying, this feels good. I want more. Yes. And so I love that because that goes with what when I think 1 of your last questions was, which was, but what is this person even meeting inside of me?What need is this person meeting? So it's like that. It has been like an addiction and there even as a potential, you know, the term intermittent reinforcement. I've never heard of it. Wait. So it's another word that we like throw around a lot in the integrated attachment world, but basically it is the concept of addiction.Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological idea where if you get A lot of something and then it gets taken away and then you get it again and then it gets taken away and then you get it again and it gets taken away. It starts to develop an addiction towards that thing. In fact, most apps are built this way.Things are gamified. So that's what Las Vegas is built in a way in which they create this intermittent reinforcement. And so this is potentially what could also be happening with this friend. Like you said, when you guys are together. There's a really cool philosophical like conversations that you are having with them, and then they go away and they take it away from you.And so I wonder when you're with them. So one of the questions was, well, what do they even mean inside of me? Like, why do I want to be with this person? And we can definitely dive into that. So when you're with this person,  how does it make you feel? Like, why are you their friend? Like, tell me about all the good things about them.Like, I just feel I don't want to say, like, whole, but I feel like I feel like I'm like, I'm heard. Like, I can actually, like, be myself  for the most part. I feel like I can, like, just the real deep conversations, like, the ability to, like, like, I'm not a surface level conversation  type of person. Like, I like to actually.No, why or explain why to, like, really get into things and those conversations, like, we're able to have those conversations. And I feel like it's just, it's something that I don't get. Typically, it's more than just like the regular, like, how are you? How's your day? How's the kids kind of thing? But then  it goes, it's like that, you know, when we're not when we're not because we live far away from each other, so we don't see each other, but a couple of times a year.So it's like. It's frustrating, I guess. Yeah.  It's like, why can't we have that over the phone? Like, why can't we talk about that over the phone? You know? Yeah. And I love that for you. So, I mean, I think we found your why. Like, do you feel it? Like, do you see it? Yeah, yeah, I guess just the maybe just the deeper connection you feel her that I'm craving.Yeah. And you feel heard you said you can feel like you could be yourself. That's huge. Like, that means you feel seen you feel heard you're getting philosophical connection, you know, even emotional connection, even though they might not be like, really emotional connection just means not surface level. So like depth connection would be another word for it.You're getting depth. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And you're having all this. In fact.  All of those whys are the reason why you want more of it because apparently those are, must be really important to you. Do you know other places in your life where you feel heard and seen and have depth connection all at one time like that?I don't think so. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I used to with a couple of my, uh, a couple of my other close friends,  but I feel like those, even those relationships, like, even though we're still really good friends, I feel like, well, like with one friend, it's very much  about them. Like it's very, and I'm, and I'm, I mean, it's fine.I like, I'm,  I don't hold any grudges or anything. And they're like, Oh, how's it going with you? I don't know. I just don't feel that I could.  And we were roommates in college and everything. I just don't feel like I can open up to them anymore. Yeah. And then a couple other friends 1, I just feel very judged when I open up to them.So I don't, but it's still I consider a good friend. Um, I just understand that part of them and I'm just, you know, I choose to  keep that part of my life, I guess, separate.  And then,  yeah, I just, I feel like,  and I hate to say this, but maybe, maybe since,  since I'm like, so like in my routine and in my life that maybe, maybe I'm  Maybe I'm in force reinforcing that, like, surface levelness a little bit because my because my life is very routine and very,  you know, doing this, doing this, doing this and with having, you know, a family and a kids and a husband and a job and after school activities, and it's very structured, very routine, very onto the next thing. So maybe, maybe I've reinforced that somehow. I think maybe reinforce and also it could just show why you have such a high need for it right now. Why? So think about it. You and live in such a structured life, which I think is beautiful. In fact, needs are often counterintuitive. Like, like, for example, I have a high need for comfort and a high need for novelty and adventure.Like. Those two things don't go together, like I'm not like jumping off a cliff is not comfort, right? And staying at home on my couch is not adventure. So if I lived a life where I was only comfortable, I would be yearning and seeking out that adventure at all times. And so, yeah, for you, you have structure and you have order and maybe a little bit.That's even comfort for you. And right. And so that's great. And you have that down and that's wonderful and gorgeous. It doesn't necessarily mean you're reinforcing anything else. It just means we might have found where you're lacking.  And so we just kind of have to pull that back into a little bit to kind of align yourself with what your most needs are.And the way we could figure this out is because this situation is triggering to you. It's a really beautiful way. Like, if you're ever asking yourself, like, why am I getting so upset or what's going on? Like, be excited about that, because it means your body, your subconscious mind is telling you, Hey, Jessica, we need more of this.Like,  you know, you love this person so much that you want so much more of it.  So here's where we kind of make the change now. We can kind of go into different directions here.  I think we both know this, but like, obviously we don't change the other person. I know, you know that already in your healing and all that.So that's, that's that, right? We don't go there. How does it feel to try to accept that? I think I've  kind of come to terms with that a little bit,  but it's still, it's a little frustrating because  We've been trying to find time in both of our schedules,  but it just hasn't really worked out. And I, and this is probably I haven't asked.So this is I'm recognizing this, like, as I'm saying it, I feel as though they are upset because the times just aren't working.  But I have no proof of that. It's just my own feeling. Yeah. So that's a story that's coming up for you. Where do you think it's coming from? I'm not sure, actually. So you feel as though they're upset because the times aren't working.And when you say the times aren't working, what I'm hearing is  you're not able to find a time for this to happen because otherwise, why would they be upset? Like whose fault is this then? I mean, I don't think it's anybody's fault. I think it's just life and life in general is busy and we have, we have different lives and different schedules.And so go back into that subconscious mind for me, because I feel like you pulled back up your logical, you know, conscious brain, that's like the secure part of you, right? So, and that's fine. I think your daily life, when you're not with me here, stay in that logical, secure brain. Okay. But you have a little bit of this FA inside of you.And so we're just trying to dig that out and clean it up. So if you went deeper. If you really went into this with me, you feel as though they're upset because the times aren't working. Why would they be upset? What are they thinking? Tell me what's going on in your mind. Why do I feel as though they're upset? I'm getting like disappointment. I'm like a sense of disappointment. Why? Okay. So who are they disappointed in? I feel like disappointed in me,  maybe because I'm  Maybe they think I'm not making time, but it's not that I'm not making time. It's just that, you know, I have a family and I come back. No, come back with me real quick.I know you got this. Just okay. I'm going to interrupt you a bunch, but this is great because I'm digging deeper and I'm not letting you go back up to conscious level because you're not making time for them. So tell me what you think you're thinking. If you're not making time for them that I don't care. So you're not important. Yeah, that maybe they don't. So, so, okay, though, this is, this is really beautiful and wonderful. So  the reason I'm diving this deep with you is because there's something in a subconscious level going on. That's like, making you feel this way. And the big story came up that said, I feel as though they're upset with me because I know you didn't even say me because you're doing good.You're just said, I feel as though they're upset because the times aren't working.  Let's get, I'm going to back up real quick. So I want to get really clear because we both know. Okay. I feel as though they're upset. It's not a feeling statement, right?  Correct.  That's a thought. I think they're upset. How does it make you feel with this thought? I feel, I would say  like maybe, maybe disappointed, bad  a little bit. Feel bad. Yeah. You feel bad. You feel bad because you think they're upset because the times aren't working.  Yeah. Yeah. So you feel bad. So  because of this feeling bad, Scenario, there is ways in which because you're asking one of the first questions.It's like, well, why do I crave this person? Like, what's going on? Why do I want to be around them? And there's a potential that maybe there's also something just hitting on an old wound for you. Have there been other times in your life where you've struggled with the wound? I am that I don't think so. Not that I can think of.That's good. So I am bad usually comes from a place where we put the fault or the blame on ourselves. Do you ever find that you blame yourself a lot for things like when things don't go right in your family or things don't go right at work or things do you often feel like people are blaming you? Maybe a little. Okay. That's something for you to check in for for later as well. We might have just uncovered something because I think this is actually quite into your subconscious right now. So keep an eye on that is that I am bad wound really just plays out and constantly feeling like you need to kind of a lot of times it plays with.I'm not enough because it constantly feels like you need to be doing more in order to make up for the fact that you did something wrong.  But what I love about this is that you immediately go into, um, evidence mode. And I, I want to just be clear everyday life when you're not talking with me, I need you to go back in that mode.I need you to go back into logical, secure, uh, evidence mode because the fact that immediately you could come up and say, but of course, I'm making time for her. Of course, I'm trying to do this. Of course, I'm not bad. Of course, this isn't a problem. Like, that's the evidence that we need to use daily in order to not reinforce this wound.So I just want to say that is key and it is amazing. And I love that you jumped there so fast. It was actually hard for me to take you out of that because that's usually where I put people. But like. So I think that was great for you. So we have all of this information now. We have this idea that potentially you crave her attention because she's hitting on a bit.Where you're feeling unworthy and that kind of reinforces that that's 1 option. You can dive into that later. The other option as well is that you have just such a high need for this kind of depth connection, feeling, seeing, feeling her. She doesn't judge you. You get that from her  and but you're only getting it like twice a year.And so you want more of it. And instead of going out and finding it where you can, you're putting and projecting all of it onto her. Do you see that? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Like, she's going to be the full sole source of where you get this from. Yeah. So the next part of that, that I wanted to go with you on is that if we, and we went there, right, we accepted her fully and completely for who we are, for who she is. Where else could we get this met for you? That's something you'll have to go and dive into yourself, of course, but with that need of feeling seen, feeling heard, wanting to have that depth connection, what this is showing you, this frustration you're feeling is showing you that you want more of it.  And it's just unfortunately, she can't provide that. Yeah, if we continuously expect her to provide that, what do you think the cost of that is going to be? I think it's just what caused myself more harm because I'm basically putting all my eggs in one basket, expecting them to meet that need for me when I need to figure it out for myself. Yeah. But I feel like, I think that's where I struggle though, is figuring out like how to do that for myself.I think that's really beautiful. And then how would you typically act like, let's say we'd like, you never came in, you never talked to me and this friendship level kept going this way. Is there a way in which you would act towards this friend? Then,  like, how, what might happen? Like, would you say something?Would you get upset? Like, what would the cost be of your friendship? If you keep this going? Maybe eventually.  I mean, I guess 1 option would be, it just continues to go as it's going  or a section, a 2nd option would be that it just.  Kind of fizzles out.  Yeah. Have you ever had any frustration? Yeah. Have you, have you ever had any other friendships?And because, um, you've had higher expectations and they can meet and that like, either there's been blow ups or there's just been friendship ends or have you, have you ever had anything like that?  My friend, my friend circle is pretty small. Yeah. And I, the friends that I do have, I've had for a very long time.I would say one friend.  It kind of just ended, but I didn't, I didn't agree with the lifestyle choices they were making.  So I just kind of, yeah, walked away from that 1. okay. So that was a bit different. This is good. I'm just more trying to get, like, a base standard. Like, where are you at? Like, what would this cost be?So it sounds like it might not cost your friendship, but it might cost your. Peace, like your own personal and then that may or may not trickle out into your other relationships in life. Like, maybe you start getting more frustrated or sensitive or, you know, like, lack patience with your family. Because of it, right?Like, there's ways in which that tends to flow over into other parts of our life. So that would be the cost.  So I say that to say, uh, for a reason to kind of show ourselves, what would the cost be if we keep going this direction? So it's important for us to kind of tighten that up. And I know, like you said, it's kind of hard for you to see how can you go and get that met otherwise.And we'll talk for that in a second.  So if you have this friend, And we see now how we're going to accept them for who they are. We also see now that you're coming up with a little bit of stories. So now not only are you like. Missing them and you want to like, have that depth connection and all this stuff, but also you're starting to put wounds onto yourself of like, well, maybe, like, I'm bad, or maybe like, you're almost putting wounds into them where you're like, they think I don't care.They think they're unimportant around me. Right so, like, it's a little bit of a projection happening as well. So just tighten that up a little bit. Just be careful, because if you keep doing that, then you're going to act in ways which aren't. Honoring to your like true self, right? Cause you're not wrong here.You're not bad here that you guys are trying your best, all of this stuff. Also just on a side note, it's incredibly sweet that you think that she is like, or they, as I don't know, um, want to hang out with you so much that like, they're upset that their times don't work. So like, that really shows you in your mind, as I have no idea who this friend is in your mind, they truly want to hang with you because what I didn't hear from you is I keep trying to make time and they keep.Canceling.  No, it's not that. It's just, yeah. Yeah. The times just don't work. So I think that's really good. Like, I think that's a good sign. Cause that's what I was expecting to hear. I was expecting to hear that you were truly chasing this person. Like they want nothing to do with you and you just keep chasing them, but it doesn't sound like that.So I just want to say, that's great. Sounds like this is a really good friendship. And it sounds like if we can just get to a place where you can like be really excited when you get with them. And just accept that that's the time that you have that emotional connection.  That's what you get.  So, cause then that's just the acceptance.There would be ways in which we can start communicating later, and maybe we can talk about that another day, but for right now, just since it's the trigger, we have to first get to a level of acceptance before we can even start,  you know, asking for change or doing all this kind of stuff. Okay. So we have that.So then the last question, I mean, the last part of this piece is. If you're only getting this met twice a year, what are you doing for the rest of the time? Right?  I know. I know. So what do you think? Like, what, how do you think? So if this person just can't do it, it sounds like you've been friends with this person for a long time.Is that right?  So long enough to where you know them.  This isn't like a new friend you met. It's like four months old. And maybe we could work with this and you can get them to start opening up on the phone. Like how many years would you say, you know, this person like a year and a half, right? Yeah. So a year and a half.So, you know, this person for a year and a half, it's a good long time. Like you kind of know who they are by now. Yeah. And if you've been hitting the same wall over and over again, this is just who they are. So let's work. Let's first look at it as the positive for the whole, like last half full concept.Right. Which I know is like kind of silly, but You have a friend who you get to have Depp's connection with twice a year. That's amazing!  What if you didn't have that at all?  That's true. Yeah. Right. So that's a really great thing. So we're going to take that feeling, what it feels like when you're with them, what it feels like when you're having those conversations, what it feels like not to be judged, what it feels like to be heard, to be seen, and we're going to start figuring out ways in which you can get that met in other places.And you actually kind of came up with a little bit of a thing. You do have other friends.  And you said, you said it in a way of like, maybe I'm reinforcing this, except what I see is potential of, I mean, you're not wrong completely of. Maybe you could bring depth into those friendships more. Yeah, I feel like there's a, I keep saying I feel and every time I say I feel, I realize I'm not saying and I feel statement. I think I'm scared and I don't know what that hesitancy is about because these, these other 2 friendship. There's 2 in particular that I can think of. I probably have, like, maybe a core, like, 5 friends and out of the 2 of them  I've known for. Okay.  One of them, one of them is, is my cousin. So I've known them my entire life.We're the same age and we grew up together. The other one I've known for over 20 years since I was a teenager, 17 or 18. I'm giving my age away.  Um, so for a long time I have known them and  I don't know, I don't know what happened along the way. Maybe, maybe just moving like our, our space being, cause we used to live close together, maybe that space. Well, is is what it is for me.  I don't know. I guess I'm just scared a little bit and I don't know why because we used to have that and it was great, but I don't know what I'm what I'm scared of now. Okay, so if we dive into that real quick, just for time, we may not we may or may not see what we get here, but let's like, let's just see what happens because what you're showcasing here is exactly what is hard about healing is.It's like, great. I figured out what's up. I just need more depth connection. I need to be seen. I need to be heard. And I need to feel safe in a relationship. Great. So I'm just going to go get more of it.  But needs come from a place where we have to ask for them or we have to seek them out. And then what ends up happening is another wall comes up, another fear, another hole in one of our needs buckets happens.And so we can't get this need met. Because we're afraid to do it over here. And so as a result, we kind of have this expectation onto other people who's already kind of giving us a little bit of it to do it all now, right? Because of our fear over here. I think that's, I just want to say very normal. And really, I'm so happy that we're getting to talk about this because I don't think it gets talked about enough how all of these needs and boundaries and wounds are just almost like the cycle.And it's like, you just have to keep pulling away from the different weeds to get to the next one. And then get to the next one and it's exhausting. I know, but let's get to. So we pulled something out. We pulled a weed out. This is great. We see that, you know, you had a little bit of a wounding going on around the story about feeling bad about making time, but already, I think you've found the evidence, you know, not to do that.So you're not going to seek into there anymore. So that was just a nice, easy weed to pull. We see the fact of like, okay, this is what you need from her. And this is what you get from her. And that was one of your original questions. Like, why do you even want this? We see why you want it. In fact, it's great.I love that you have that for yourself. And the next one is why can't we get that met anywhere else?  And there's a fear. So if you picture yourself having a deep conversation with one of your friends or your cousins or something like that,  what's going on? Has there been a time in the past where you tried and they're like shutting it down?Has there been any sort of situations going on? Like, is there anything coming up for you here? I think  with 1, it's the, it's the.  The vulnerability, maybe, maybe a little bit of the judgment.  Yeah, those are the two things that are coming up for me. Okay. And so are you now, let me ask this. This is the hard part about fears and wounds and things.Are these friends, do they tend to judge you? Is it true?  And they might know the thing is, is they, Oh, they don't. I was going to say, cause it is a high chance that they do. And so it's like, actually, I think it's great that you don't then like get vulnerable with people. Like what a beautiful boundary. But if you're saying.That they really don't judge you, then I wonder what's going on. I think, I think, honestly, I think it's just me. I think I have just clammed up with my emotions and my feelings  that I'm to the point where I am afraid to let my true feelings and emotions  be heard and be seen. Why do you think you're, I think it's, I don't know.So what are you, what is the fear of being seen? I honestly, I, I'm not sure. I just recognize that in speaking with you. So that's good. We're going to keep going then. Because this is yeah.  And again, if we don't get it here, um, that's fine. But  what would happen? So, if you picture yourself really opening up and being seen, what is the worst thing that could happen? With, with these two particular people, I don't, I don't see anything bad happening. I feel like they would support me. I don't think,  I don't think there would be judgment,  you know, they might disagree. And I, I feel that we're close enough that they would tell me, Hey, I don't disagree with this, but I support you as a friend and,  and so I don't know what my hesitation is.I think it's just, it's just me. Like I'm. Mm hmm. Yeah, I don't know. I think maybe just the self reliance and,  you know, maybe that independence thing that I can do everything on my own, but maybe I'm to a point where I'm realizing that I can't, but now I've clammed up for so long that I'm afraid to, like, kind of come out.Yeah, but it's interesting because you have come out, but you've just come out to this one friend.  And so this fear that you have, and that's beautiful, what a beautiful friend that has allowed you to feel this safe space of just being completely and open in yourself and you don't have to clam up around them like again, amazing, like what a blessing, like what, how cool is that to have a friend that way.Yeah, they have given you so much safety in this that it's like, great, now I will just get everything here. It's like you go to a restaurant and they make, you know, you love sushi or something. I don't know. What's your favorite food? I like sushi. We can go to sushi. Like, you know, you can get sushi anywhere.You can get like grocery store sushi, you know, you can go get sushi from like the cheap place, like get sushi from a truck. But you found a place that does sushi exactly the way you want it. And it is like they can read your mind and it is just like stunning and you love it when you're there. And then you keep trying to order it door dash it or something like that.But every time it comes to you in door dash, it doesn't come the way you like it only tastes good when it's fresh and in person and you start getting upset because you want it exactly that way because every other single place you have just decided to stop going to that sushi. And so now you're only relying on getting sushi from this one location. It is only, they only know how to do it fresh. Cause for some reason, just their chefs, they're not very good at delivering it, you know, but  I don't know why, and it would be amazing if they can be perfect, but they're not.  Yeah. And so in order to really receive and appreciate that sushi, when you go out to get it, I think we just need to start opening up the doors to other sushi restaurants. And just see, like, there's other places here and really love and respect and receive the moments you do get that delicious sushi. Just like again with ice cream, you know, we're not eating it for, it'd be amazing if we could have it every day. But if when we're eating the ice cream, we're constantly just thinking about the next time we can get ice cream or the way the last time we had the ice cream wasn't good enough or all of this kind of stuff.We're not enjoying the ice cream in the moment.  Yeah. And so that's what I would want to encourage you. If we finish up and we wrap up here now, I would love to encourage you to embrace and engage with this friend and meet them where they are  because it feels like they do give you a lot of life. Like, I really like to see when you talk about them.So I think you light up a lot. And even where we started from like.  I feel like it's completely gone down a different direction. It's like, I don't think that you're chasing after them. I don't think that this is actually where I thought this was going. And I think we see exactly what the needs are that they're meeting for you.I think it just comes from more of a level of great. Now let's figure out how to pull more of that in. Can you get it in your relationship? Can you get it with the friends that you have? Is it time to start making new friends? That could be part of it, too, because remember, sometimes when we heal, I know, I know, but see that scaling  is that is that thing.What is the self soothing for you? It's interesting because people think when we meet our needs, when I, when I say, or anyone says, like, you have to go and self soothe or meet them on your own. I'm not even asking you to do this on your own. I'm just asking you to go find someone else other than this 1 friend all the time.Right? So you don't even have to do this on your own. It's just like working through that fear of what's going on and try it. Just try to be vulnerable. How does it feel when you're vulnerable with this friend? If we had more time, I would take you through a visualization. Maybe I'll have you back on again.Sometime we'll see, maybe in like a month's time, we'll check in and see how this is going, but okay. That'd be great. Yeah. But if you, if you were to really sit and think, how do I feel when I'm with this friend, what traits do they bring? What makes me happy? What lights me up when I'm with them? What am I looking for more of?What am I craving from them? Write all of that down in a journal somewhere really figure that out and really write it down because it helps you get like rooted in reality with that, then I want you to start looking at  not putting it all on one friend, right? Because this one particular friend, like I said, they have a knack for making sushi exactly how you like it.No one else will do it that way. No one else will.  But you can see I really like their salmon. Oh, I have this other restaurant over here who does salmon like that. I'll go get my salmon from them. I'll go get my tuna from this other place. And I'll go get my, you know,  I'm running California rolls. I'm running out of sushi. You get what I'm trying to say, though, right? Once we break down the needs that 1 person is meeting, it is just for some reason, they have figured out the like. Like  passcode to unlock Jessica's heart when it comes to like depth connection and unfortunately not like that just won't happen again, right?It's, it's rare and it's an amazing find. And so you're going to break that down and then you're going to go figure out ways to get other parts of that met in other places. You're going to go be seen somewhere else. You're going to be heard somewhere else. You're going to have depth connection with someone else. And you're going to start really figuring that out. And that's going to come up, that's going to fill those needs buckets. So when you're with this friend, you're in bright, like that's how we live in the moment and embrace the friendship that we have, because I could just say, just appreciate your friend.Okay. We're done. But like that doesn't happen  because we can't appreciate when our buckets are empty. And so the goal here is go get them filled up over here and then. When this friend starts filling into your bucket, it's going to feel good and it's not going to feel like it's coming from a place of lack. Does that make sense?  Yeah, it does. Great. So as we finish up here, tell me, um, like any takeaways that you have or what you've been hearing me say, or any aha moments, like any golden nuggets that you really want to take away from this for today. Oh, definitely to kind of embrace the relationship for what it is  and to really try to be a little bit more open and vulnerable with my other longterm friends. Yeah. And I think just.  Really confirming the needs  for that relationship.  Yeah. Yeah. And how will you confirm the needs? I just want to hear that again. Oh, I think I think. I think maybe you just saying,  like, reinforcing what I was saying,  basically, I don't want to say telling me, but saying, well, it's clear what the needs are when, for me, I was like, I don't know what the needs are.And you were just like, it's clear what the need, like, these are your needs. So that was like, oh, okay, I can see what the need is. So now I can try and work on that. Do you think it might help you to try to. Journal out what these needs are later. Like, remind Megan, are you a journaler? Sometimes. Okay.Sometimes I don't. I don't do it daily. I probably should, but I, I don't even wanna it daily. I forget. Or just for this one thing. Yeah. As I'm not a daily journaler. In fact, it's too much for me. Yeah. And it overwhelms me. Before this, I just wanna encourage you, you've done so much. Mm-Hmm, that I think that some of this will get washed away, like.But if after this or sometime later on tonight, if you could just get it done tonight, write down those needs that like they are meeting for you. I really would highly encourage that. It's going to take it from the subconscious level, because even now you're still like, I'm just going to confirm. And that's why I wanted to ask, how will you confirm?Because I'm really holding your subconscious to it right now. I think, like you said, just journal out what the needs are and then, like, how, like, specific examples of, like, what, how that's getting met. Gorgeous. And then I can refer back to it and figure out other ways to meet it. Yeah, that's perfect.That's exactly it. You'll just refer back to it. And once you get it out there, then you'll always have it there. And I think that'll be correct. And at some point in time, you can even re listen back to this and it would be really fun learning for you to see where you've come. So I think that's great.Yeah. Is there anything else that you need today, Jessica, or how are you feeling right now? I feel, I feel good. I feel I can't think of the right word,  but clear. My head feels clear. Um,  like I have a path forward.  I love that. I love that for you so much. Thank you so much for coming on and for opening up vulnerably.And I really would love to catch back up with you and like a month or 2 and kind of see where we are with this. I think that's like a really fun thing to see how we develop. And so, yeah, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and I will talk to you later. Thank you. Great. So that was my episode with Jessica. And as you can see, this definitely took a direction that she wasn't quite expecting. And sometimes that can happen when we're having these coaching sessions. If you would like to let me know what you think of the podcast, I would love for you to leave a review as well as joining our Facebook group.We have a free Facebook group. All for women in order to come and start healing their attachments and relationships. It's called Speak Honest attachment slash relationship healing and coaching for women. All of that information will be in the show notes. So don't worry about remembering anything and I'll make sure everything's there.If you want to schedule a call with me, I offer free 20 minute coaching calls where you can jump on a call with me and we can work through a quick situation together so you can get an idea what it's like to get coached by me. In addition to that, if you want to be on the podcast, oh, that would mean so much to me as I'm looking for new guests right now, so you can have a full hour with me on the podcast.We go anywhere from 20 minutes to 60 minutes, and we'll talk about your whole situation. Please just reach out at info at speak honest. com to inquire about being on the podcast. And again, that information is in the show notes as well, but for right now, I just want to say, thank you so much for being a part of this first podcast and I cannot wait for more to come. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination, and it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, Be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there.And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.